Introduction

[Guest AquariusFae]

Hi all. I'm here lurking hoping to learn more about Gender Identity Disorder and more specifically how it applies to young children.

My 5 year old step son is (and has been for a over a year now) been showing signs of gender identity disorder. It's a long story but we've tried to be supportive of his female persona. He's allowed to wear dresses at our home and we try to call him by his female persona name. This started around the time of his 4th birthday. It subsided and went away so we thought perhaps it was just a phase as everyone told us it was.

However he has recently become suicidal and talking about mutilating his body because he thinks his genitalia are ugly. When asked about it he finally opened up and started talking about how he wants to be a girl AND a boy, and that he calls himself "Leah" when he plays by himself. Now I'm almost positive that this is more than just a phase. As Leah she is happy, carefree, bubbly and a totally different child. As Dylan he is moody, emotionally volatile, aggressive & lashes out.

Add to all this that my husband has joint custody of Dylan/Leah. He spends one week with us and one with his mom. The bouncing back and forth is very stressful for Dylan. He has told me he worries he'll wake up in the "wrong" house. As if that's not bad enough add to it that at his mom's house they live with his grandparents who are very traditional Hispanic & huge homophobes. The last time Dylan was comfortable being a female his grandfather put the fear of God in him and told him he was a boy and that's final.

He was in counseling for awhile and the counselor told us there is nothing wrong with him. So out of desperation and fear that he may end up hurting himself ... here I am. Looking for anyone that may have experience in dealing with a 5 year old transsexual (and please forgive me if I'm using the wrong terms).

Anyhow I'd be grateful for any resources or just general support .... TIA

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Welcome, AquariusFae! It's always good to hear from a supportive parent.

I personally don't have any experience with 5 year old transgender kids other than having been one myself (I'm FTM). My parents definitely didn't do everything right, but they did the best they knew how. Up until recently, I don't think they even really knew what it meant to be transgender. In fact, I didn't know what it was myself. As such, I'm not too skilled with the terminology myself. Laura has a list of terms and definitions on the site though. I think transgender is an umbrella term. Transsexual is someone who specifically takes steps to change their sex and is seeking or has had GRS. I guess I fall into the transsexual category because I've had some surgery and am on testosterone.

Here's a link to Laura's FAQ:

http://pub11.bravenet.com/faq/show.php?usernum=940797647

There's also a page for parents or guardians of transgender children:

http://www.lauras-playground.com/transgend...al_children.htm

We have a forum for parents too. Hopefully you can meet and talk to others who have more useful advice than I can offer.

Just speaking from experience, acceptance and support are two of the most important things you can offer to Leah. Children are very sensitive. If they get the idea that you disapprove or think what they are doing is "wrong", they will pick up on it and possibly make them anxious. That's how I felt sometimes. When I had "gender variant" behaviors, I could feel that it "wasn't okay", felt ashamed, and wanted to hide. I kept hiding until I was 30.

I'm not angry at my parents. The did do a lot of things right. One of the reasons I have been as well adjusted as I am is because they did give me a lot of room to express my gender identity, probably a lot more than some people on here. They didn't give me trouble about having all male friends. They bought me the toys I asked for at Christmas (G.I. Joe, Transformers, etc...). They let me wear pants to church most of the time because we went to a pretty modern, progressive church. We did have our clashes too. Even though our church was "progressive", my uniqueness didn't go over so well at times. My mom didn't understand how deep my feelings went. She really just wanted what was best for me. I don't blame her though. I didn't talk to her, there was no way she could have known. When I was a kid there weren't good resources for her. She didn't even know where to start!

Oh...and I grew up getting bounced back and forth between parents too. It is stressful. As long as your child feels loved and accepted, that at least helps buffer the stress.

Anyway...welcome! Don't be shy about posting and reading around. We're a friendly bunch and are always willing to help out a little sister or brother.

[Guest Melanieshaman]

Welcome, and please continue to nurture him... I WISH some one had done so when i was young, i'd probably be a well adjusted woman by now, and now just getting started on my transition.

[Sally]

Welcome to the forums, you have been working so hard for you young one, you deserve a little break.

Come on into the members lounge and sit down, I'll bring you some hot coco and cookies - they always make me feel better.

We will have a lot of people come by before too long - when they smell the fresh baked cookies they know that someone new is here.

love ya,

Sally

[Guest DanM]

Hmmmmm fresh baked cookies thanks Sally.

Welcome to the playground AquariusFae,

Kids have the hardest, I know I was one.LOL

You might want to talk to your husband about getting your dear child into see a Gender Therapists and have some tests ran. The sooner the better. Leah will be able to express herself much more there than with a regular counselor.

I am so glad she has someone who is so understanding and willing to try to find some kind of help. If more parents were like you. WTG Mom and Dad.

[Guest Eth]

It's great to see how caring and accepting you are of your child's gender identity. If my parents were as supportive as you are, things would be sooooooooooo much easier.

Let me state that, when I was very young, apparently I stated that I thought I was both male and female too. I don't recall this myself, but enough of my relatives just love to taunt me with it that I'm pretty sure it happened. As you can see with me... the feelings most certainly didn't go away.

A Gender Therapist is definitely a good idea. If your child is transgender, then finding out early on will be a huge help to him/her. There is so much more that hormones can do for your body at a young age if you have all the information and really want to go through with it. With a Gender Therapist, your child would have access to all of this information and would be able to make a well-educated decision when the time comes for that. A regular therapist might help, but most of them are not trained in dealing with transgendered people and may even have negative reactions and "treatments" for it in worst case scenarios. Going with a specialist is your best bet.

-ETH

[Guest Selkia]

Hello

Though I do not have any exprenice with transgendered Youth under the age of 10..all I can say is That it is great to see supportive parents my parents are far from that..they still conisder it a phase..which is sad..my Advice is to let leah be herself..if she wants to wear a dress let her...don't force her to be male..It can be very hurtful..and make the child even more depressed..Continue talking to leah about this and hopefully she will feel safe telling you everthing..and as time goes on if she is competely sure of it...when puberty comes Leah can start Estrogen and use Hormone blockers to stop testrone..and if she isn't sure then she can be on hormone blockers..till she is sure..because Testrone is a very strong hormone..My number one consern is the grandparents...being old fasion..and they may try to force Leah to be male..which can scarr the child..not to meantion in their time..they were able to beat children...though I hope that is not the case and hopefully it will never be the case saddly leah has to go through the joint custody unless it is possible to get full custody if leah doesn't feel safe or doesn't like his mother..then it is best to get full custody so leah can live a happier full life...

I am pretty sure others will be by to give you much more helpful info on transgendered Youth

and I hope the best of luck to you and leah

sel

[Guest Leigh]

welcome to the forums, my sympathy and love go out to you.

i hope that you are able to find some good advice here (i know i have). the only suggestion i can give you is that you find a gender therapist for your child. best of luck.

peace&love

[Guest Frank67]

Hi AquariusFae,

welcome to Laura's. I have to see if there is a post in the parents forum if yes I look forward to read it. I am not a parent, but I am trying my best to support a little 6 year old girl (mtf). I know it is really hard to fight against all the narrow minded persons out there, but to see a little child happy again it is worth it.

Hugs

Frank

[Guest AquariusFae]

Thanks for the warm welcome

The bombshell of everything came last Sunday, so I've spent most of the week researching what insurance will and won't pay for. Sadly any type of counseling there is a limit on how many times per year we can see a counselor.

I've looked at the page on this site that lists gender therapists most of them are 40+ miles from us. My work is paying for 5 counseling sessions for each of us through an Employee Assistance Plan. I explained the details to them and requested someone that has experience dealing with these issues. They seemed eager to help and are researching therapists in the area. With any luck we'll be able to at least get started in the right direction.

Dylan spent most of this week as Leah, and has been the happiest I've ever seen the child. But I know he/she dreads going back to his/her mother's house come Sunday. So I've done everything I can to reassure Leah that she can still be herself just has to wear boy clothes when she's at mom's house.

There's been no more talk this week about hurting herself, and she told me yesterday that she loves her life now. So even though it's heart breaking that she's going through this chaos, I at least feel like we're moving in the right direction.

Oddly it makes me feel better knowing that some of you have dealt with these issues at around the same age as Leah. It comforts me to know that it's "normal" so to speak. I still think she's too young to have to deal with this stuff. 5 year olds should be enjoying life not fighting to stay alive

And I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. It's been an emotionally draining week and I have a tendency to ramble even on good days )

[Guest DanM]

So glad that counseling of some kind is being considered, you're right Leah should be just a happy child with no worries and just be like any other kid. Reality though is even in the back of her mind it will dwell who and what am I. And the constant back and forth between your place and moms place is going to eventually take its toll, when she needs to be stealthy as we call it. Right now she needs to feel comfortable with being who she is and not hurting herself. It sounds to me when at moms this might be a problem that really needs to be addressed, if only for Leah's own safety.

[Guest Eth]

Eh, don't worry too much. I know all about what it's like to see stuff like this from the child's perspective. If I'd of had someone like you to listen, support and accept me, everything would have been so much better.

Just keep being supportive of Leah and help her through all of this as much as you can. Don't feel too bad about the things she does have to go through, because you're already doing more than almost any parent of anyone using these boards has done or would do. And also don't worry about "rambling"- we're all here to listen and give advice, and we're thrilled to have the opportunity to help a parent out who's doing the best for their child regardless of the child's gender identity. If you ever have anything you need to say or ask, just do it here. We'll all try to answer and help out as best we can.

-ETH

[Guest brenda lee]

Hi all. I'm here lurking hoping to learn more about Gender Identity Disorder and more specifically how it applies to young children.

My 5 year old step son is (and has been for a over a year now) been showing signs of gender identity disorder. It's a long story but we've tried to be supportive of his female persona. He's allowed to wear dresses at our home and we try to call him by his female persona name. This started around the time of his 4th birthday. It subsided and went away so we thought perhaps it was just a phase as everyone told us it was.

However he has recently become suicidal and talking about mutilating his body because he thinks his genitalia are ugly. When asked about it he finally opened up and started talking about how he wants to be a girl AND a boy, and that he calls himself "Leah" when he plays by himself. Now I'm almost positive that this is more than just a phase. As Leah she is happy, carefree, bubbly and a totally different child. As Dylan he is moody, emotionally volatile, aggressive & lashes out.

Add to all this that my husband has joint custody of Dylan/Leah. He spends one week with us and one with his mom. The bouncing back and forth is very stressful for Dylan. He has told me he worries he'll wake up in the "wrong" house. As if that's not bad enough add to it that at his mom's house they live with his grandparents who are very traditional Hispanic & huge homophobes. The last time Dylan was comfortable being a female his grandfather put the fear of God in him and told him he was a boy and that's final.

He was in counseling for awhile and the counselor told us there is nothing wrong with him. So out of desperation and fear that he may end up hurting himself ... here I am. Looking for anyone that may have experience in dealing with a 5 year old transsexual (and please forgive me if I'm using the wrong terms).

Anyhow I'd be grateful for any resources or just general support .... TIA

Sweetie ,I don't think it is a phase . When I was a little older than that ,about 6 I knew that I wanted yo be a girl. I would wear some old clothes that my mom left in the basement . When she caught me ,she never told my dad , I use to always want to play as a girl.When in my early teens I seriosly wanted so bad to cross dress. All I can say is let him be himself. Love Brenda Lee

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I was out of town last week so I missed your initial posting. I do want to say

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

And you have had so excellant people to give you some very good advice. So to just add a bit here...

I knew at age four I was in the wrong gender, so it can be an early thing. I allowed my mother to convince me I had no choice, so I resolved to just be a girl in a male body. She said I would grow up to be like my daddy, not like her. It seemed so terribly wrong - and I hated every year of it, getting more and more unhappy as I matured - and 'things' started changing, taking me farther and farther from what I really was.

So I grew up angry at the world. I started trying to dress like my sisters - age eight. BUT that was so 'evil' it seemed. I thought I was the only one in the world who was a girl, but lived in a boys body. I secretely dressed as a girl, then as a youg woman, then as a mature woman - all hidden away. This went on for 50 plus years. I am now age 61 - and transsexual - diagnosed by a gender specialist therapist, in transition, on hormones, having my face cleared of my sparce beard, and living full time at home as the woman I have always been. I never thought I could do that! Peace at last...

Why all this?

(1) five years old - not unusual

(2) happier as a girl - of course

(3) Insurance will usually NOT pay for much

(4) having a split residence? A recipe for diaster like that grandfather who told her she was a boy and to deal with it

(5) It is not a phase - it will only get more intense and your daughter will only get more desperate to live her life as she believes she should

(6) You are an exception - supporting her, wanting to help - Bless you!

(7) If diagnosed, the best you can hope for is for her to get on testosterone blockers at about age 10-12. After puberty, most physicians WILL proceed to a gender reassignment. That's today's thinking, it may change.

(8) Be cautious - without support she will become self distructive - possibly suicidal. She has a good chance of ending her life before age twenty, statistically speaking

(9) Transitioning young is a hugely successful option - but the process sometimes produces a certain Socialization Anxiety Disorder, depending upon how supportive school and the community is.

(10) You have a unique chance to save her - to keep her from self distruction and to make her life livable... and it will be difficult - we will be here for you...

(11) This condition is slowly becoming more recognized - perhaps it will be easier when she fully transitions in about 12-15 years... best wishes

(12) oh yes - most importantly YOU ARE A SAINT!

Lizzy

[Guest mia 1]

A thought a contrarian thought. Example.. My neighbor has a son who is now 14 yrs old, and plays football for the freshman team and wants to be an Green Bay Packer..in my neighborhood there were no boys for him to play with and when he was 5 yrs old he put on a little sailors dress and the girls made fun of him and he cried and his "daddy" came out to see what was wrong the girls ran away and dad took the little boy in his arms and held him and told him not to worry he could dress any way he felt like it and he would still be his daddy's child,,the boy stopped crying and played with the girls in his sailor's dress and the next day he was in boy's clothes....so maybe the therapist is right and little Dylan will be O.K. as a boy and maybe not . The point of telling you this is to seek more advice,get another opinion and most important keep Dylan away from granddad My thoughts certainly not professionall..May the force be with you and your family.....Mia

[Guest joe0117]

Hi,

I applaud you trying to help Leah and allowing her to feel comfortable, supported, and loved. I knew that I was a boy by age four. My mother used to drag me to church and be lectured by the priest about how that was a sin and I would burn in hell. Honestly, I was four and being told I was going to hell. My first suicide attempt was at 6. I drank bleach and ended up in Children's Hospital on a respirator. I still have problems today from it. My second suicide attempt was at 8. I overdosed on Tylenol and ended up in the hospital with liver damage. It sounds like you are, but please take her suicidal ideation seriously. She should definitely see a therapist. Most insurances only cover so many visits, however, a therapist can contact the insurance company and petition more visits. Especially if she is suicidal, they have an obligation to grant the petition for safety concerns. Keep supporting and loving her. Maybe she can call you when she is with her mother. You can talk to her aboutanything that might have upset her and deal with immediately instead of ruminating in her head. Also, she could have your reassurance and love to hold her until she comes back to you. Please keep coming back her and updating us about how you are both doing. You are in my thoughts.

Joe