I'm at a loss...

[Dakota16]

Now that we've told my parents and sister about my transition, it's time to expand it to immediate aunts, uncles, and cousins. I'm not planning to tell any great aunts, 2nd cousins, and so on mainly because I can count the number of times I've seen them in the last decade on one hand with digits to spare. So that just leaves my parents' brothers and sisters and cousins in my generation. My wife and I have talked a few times about the best way to tell them, eventually deciding on email since contact with that group of people is at least limited. One side gets together maybe 5 or 6 times per year, the other only once between Thanksgiving and Christmas (and that's probably no longer happening since we're now very spread out).

Today I contact my parents to get an email address I'm missing. While talking to my mom, my dad offers his opinion: it's a bad idea. When my mom tries to find out why or ask what else I should do, he just says "nothing" over and over.

Then it hits me.

In another thread, I mentioned that my mom has been a little vocal about my transition as well as giving clues she't not happy about what I'm doing. Well, listening to my dad over the phone it hits that he's doing exactly what I do when I have a problem and don't want to talk about it...keep repeating "nothing" until the subject drops. So now I know both my parents have problems with it.

I'm not sure what to do about coming out to family anymore. The one side is getting together in a couple of days and they're celebrating birthdays and mother's day, so it isn't the best time to make an announcement to everyone at the same time. I don't see them often enough to worry about their reactions. I've missed numerous gatherings either from working or something for my kids, not going to another one really wouldn't affect me much. The other side is drifting further and further apart every day and is now so spread out odds are we'll never get together in the foreseeable future. I'm still leaning towards email, but now I'm hearing it may cause more harm than good.

Ugh!

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Dakota,

What ever works best for you is what I would suggest doing.

When I came out to my siblings, I did so via email. It turned out fine. An advantage to email instead of f2f or over the phone is that you can work on it until it says exactly what you want to say. Even with email, following up with a f2f or phone conversation might be beneficial as well, if they so desire.

 

I wrote an email to each of my 3 siblings individually and each at a separate time. This way I didn't risk being flooded with 3 sets of questions at once, or them ganging up on me if it didn't go so smoothly. It also avoided sending it as a form letter. Do as you think best. 

 

That is the way I approached it anyway. Good luck with how ever you choose to do it.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?????

[DenimAndLace]

Obviously there's no right or wrong, good, better or best way of telling people.  It's awkward. It's messy. If you tell f2f, it might end up a debate. If you write it down there's no guarantee it will be understood as you intended no matter how meticulous or articulate you are. I think ya just gotta do it and deal with the aftermath when the smoke clears.  I did some of each and both had pros and cons. I think I could have done it exactly the opposite and had the same net outcomes. Best wishes as you decide and disclose.

[tracy_j]

I have no real experience to compare all the methods of telling people, but am of the opinion of keeping all communication lines open and just feeding information in as it fits. I think though that the thing to avoid is an impasse,  argument and resultant standoff. That is when it gets difficult to progress at all. For many people who I know (including family) I have not come out in any way but do dress and look female most of the time. I know there were reservations early on, but mostly these days it is just accepted. I am sitting here wondering, as I write this, what would be said if I officially changed my gender but I think many may well just accept it as something they expect.

Tracy

[Dakota16]

I'm still at a loss. I had an email all set to go that a Facebook friend proofread for me (she's totally on board with me transitioning and we still talk 7+ months later), but needed one address before I had everyone covered. I contacted my parents who pretty much shot down the idea of sending an email. I asked what would be better, but that's where the conversation stopped. It was still on me to tell everyone, but the only advice I could get from them was "not over email."

 

So now it's almost Christmas, and the self-conscious trans-woman with high anxiety who doesn't want the spotlight and will avoid conflict at all costs still hasn't told her extended family...or friends (other than the one who proofread my email). On one hand, waiting is good since there'd be no drama during the holidays. On the other, I once again go into guy mode for an extended family gathering.

 

I probably should just bite the bullet after the first of the year and send that email.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Dakota,

Go with what your heart tells you.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Jani]

Well you know the old saying about the best time to plant a tree, (paraphrasing) either in May or now.  But I understand your concern with the holidays and wanting to avoid conflict as well as not having the focus of attention be on you when it should be on the holiday celebration.  So I would suggest you hold your email until the first week of the new year and let it fly.   

 

I know its hard, but its time to give up the fear and get on with it.  It will be all right.  

 

Hugs, 

Jani

[Charlize]

I like Jani's idea.  Wait until after the holidays and then let it fly.  Unfortunately i also faced a family that didn't want me to transition.  I don't know if anyone actually felt happy when i came out except for one lesbian cousin who thought i should have told her first.  Perhaps that is simply something we have to accept as being the norm.  Over the years i have found tolerance at the least and a respect of me as myself.  The happiness i wish they  could have felt never happened but i've found peace with myself which is why i transitioned in the first place.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Rachael]

The only thing I can say is do what is best for you it's a tough decision any way you go. Best wishes and merry Christmas. 

[Gwen]

Hi Dakota. I think I can agree with Jani and Charlize. There's plenty of stress, confusion and social anxiety during the holidays, and a full coming out could put the spotlight on you and your life. And the light would be intense. I'd wait until after the new year. Others will have more time to absorb the information and they can always contact you if they have questions.

 

I hope you can find a way to make a decision that feels right for you.

 

Big hugs

Gwen

[Guest Rachel Gia]

I agree with the 'need to know' thing and in short, people knowing I am Trans is enough.

If they ask more I will tell them about HRT or Hair Removal but Surgery is my bizz.

Do whats right for you is the track that i agree go with.

 

AA saying

"Pause when agitated or doubtful."