Came out to a good friend last night

[Lauryn Michelle]

Came out to my best friend. The same friend that was the first to know my deepest secrets when i started recovery from alcolism 8 years ago. Its great to have this person in my life, my heart is filled with gratitude. She accepts me, validates, and helps me.

 

Now i have someone that can help me be safe. If i meet someone online, I can let her know my whereabouts, and not be solo. If something happens to me, I have back up. 

 

My support is growing. I have you all here, my best friend, a couple of sponsors in recovery, a counselor and soon i will check out the billy de frank center downtown. They have a bi weekly group where maybe i can meet some healthy models, and maybe make a friend or 2? 

 

I am glad to live in the era that i do. There is support.

 

This wasnt really a question, but it may spark discussion 

 

Namaste

 

Clara Bell

[Jani]

Congratulations Clara. Its so nice to have a friend like that.  

 

4 hours ago, Clara Bell said:

I am glad to live in the era that i do. There is support.

You're right.

 

Jani

[Alessa]

This can be quite the stressful thing to do, but I'm so happy for you that it turned out well! Go you! You should be proud.

[Gwen]

Sounds like a marvelous moment, Clara Bell. So happy for you. I'm sure many of us would agree that trusted supports are invaluable, and necessary. We're blessed if life provides just a few. I also liked that you used the word "safe." It's one of my words, as I don't feel safe with everyone because of my past.

 

Gwen

[gennee]

It's wonderful that you have the support of a friend. It goes a long way as you proceed ahead.

 

[Lauryn Michelle]

Came out to my brother, first family member. He was accepting, but kind of irritated me, haha!

I told him what i had to say wasnt life and death, that i was ok. I also let him know that his wife could not know do to the nature of our mutual friends at my place of employment. With that he chose to know. The next day he spoke condescendingly to me that i didnt understand marriage, but one day i will. That its going to cause problems for him and his wife for kerping it secret. I let him know that it wasnt my fault that he knows, i told him the ramifications, and let him know that i did consider their marriage, and it was he who decided to "know". Pain in the ass, i let him off the hook out of guilt that i didnt need to own. Gave him permission to tell his wife. Where is his accountability? Get to know the secret, and get to tell it cause it was too tuogh to keep, and make me feel bad about it.  I have to worry about this getting out at work. Is there any such thing as slowly coming out? Or if i want it on my terms i just gotta hit the world hard and fast?! This is stressing me out!!

 

On a good note, I went out into the daylight as me for the first time 3 days ago ????

I went to SF, i got to practice, walking standing and talking. I was alone and just doing my thing. I didnt feel self concious, my anxiety was gone! Funny, i think i am more self concious when pretending to be a man. That makes sense, since I am a woman ? no pain in my chest either. Museum, beach by golden gate bridge, dinner on haight, nice people all around. So much gratitude ????

I realized how defensive i was before, now i was letting go of control, deffering space, and not puffing my chest for my man-zone that you had better respect. Women stood right next to me at exhibits, haha! What a trip. Its amazing the difference. So much to learn, so much to experience! 

Anybody, tips on coming out? Am i screwed in our digital tribe that regards the sacred as something to desecrate?

[Jani]

Clara that is so nice that you were able to go out and be comfortable with yourself.   As to your brother, I find it odd that he could not keep your secret even if for a short time.  Eventually you will come out and all will be aware.  But there is time for that.  He should have realized you weren't asking him to keep a secret about an unlawful event, just a personal one.   Unfortunately you may be correct about the nature of the digital tribe, but I think it may be more about what tribe you are in.  I limit my exposure online, but that may not be an option for you at this point.  I think you can come out slowly to a select few but then the ball get rolling and its out of your control.  Assume everyone you tell will leak the news. 

 

Jani

[Charlize]

I'm glad you had such a positive day out!  Simply being comfortable in the world was a wonderful experience for me after years of feeling ashamed and fearful.

I wouldn't worry about your brother even though he is wrong in what he is doing.  Sometimes simply knowing our secret may leak is what we need to start a process that we've been putting off.  I was seen at a gas station and got serious about doing the inevitable.  It was a good thing for me.......hopefully it will all work out well for you.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Lauryn Michelle]

Thank you ladies ? i believe you are right, its getting time to assume that more people know, and if i want to stay ahead of It i may need to start coming out a lot more. Plus the anxiety and pain that i feel in my "man suit" is really wearing on me. The pain, sorrow, anguish of not being myself plus worrying about coming out is torture that i dont think i can keep up. Ideally i would come out slowly, i would slowly do the covert things to be my true self. I would get my walk and mannerisms down, have a lot of money saved for possible treatments. Shoot, have a decent wardrobe at least. This dysphoria just is not being patient with me though. Its saying, SORRY, DONT CARE HOW MUCH YOU SWEET TALK ME, ACKNOWLEDGE ME,  AND ASK ME TO GIVE YOU TIME, I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU HURT UNTIL I AM AUTHENTICALLY PRESENTED AND KNOWN, YOU CANT HIDE ME ANYMORE.

 

My brother, i love him, but bad taste in my mouth. I am going to find out a lot more about peoole in this process, fir better or worse. This has been mostly positive though.

 

I saw a beautiful young transwoman tonight, and i fell in love, but i had to pull my eyes away, because no one knows thats my preference and identity. I am so sick of this, but i have hope and know it will all be ok. One day I will be more congruent. 

The Greeks call the "truth", "the river of life". One day i will be taking a full dip in its radiance.

[Guest Rachel Gia]

As you come out you will perhaps find the most annoying thing thing is having to give the Trans 101 introductory lecture to well meaning listeners.

Its great to talk about your journey at first with straight people but after a while it becomes tiresome , but be gracious and indulge their interest within your comfort zone. The opposite can be more infuriating when they either don't want to discuss it or continue the conversation as if you have said nothing. In those cases the feeling of invalidation can be quite pointed.

As far as congruent . there is no rule book for that thankfully and we just have to make it up as we go along like the rest of the world.

Just stay safe and keep writing!

Rachel.

Sorry about the name confusion but I can't seem to change my profile name.

[Lauryn Michelle]

The big one. The ine that i cried over everyday. My parents. I came out to them today, and they gave me "unconditiinal love". I feel lighter, and even more feminine even though i have been presenting as male all day. Its as if my boy clothes draped on me like my womens clothing. I feel sooo good! But also exhausted! Haha! I am truly blessed. Grandmah and sister know as well now. Last big one "work". Not sure when that will hapoen, but they can start guessing when they start seeing waxed brows and arms, earings, and fuller lashes. First full body waxing tomorrow!

The city with friends on Sunday. I am the luckiest girl alive right now!

[Charlize]

It sounds like you are experiencing what a dear friend called "dropping the rock".  We are somehow reborn when we drop the rock of shame and guilt.  Best of luck at work and in the meantime enjoy the freedom you feel.  I've found that freedom still feels good years later.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize