First post (hello)

[ErinJade]

Hi all.

 

So... I'm not new to this whole situation, but I've been stuck for some time without being able to do anything about it. The feelings have only got worse over time, and my dreams at night make things worse.

I don't know what I am specifically, but I definitely know that my body feels wrong at a very deep level. I believe I'm probably M2F, but something makes me feel like it's more complicated than that. I hate looking in the mirror some days. The longer I do nothing about it, the more I feel like I'm losing time, or falling farther into irreversible change territory.

 

I don't know what I'm really looking for by posting on here, exactly. I haven't been able to see a therapist for some time, nor have I been able to do anything medical, partially due to fear but mostly due to financial burdens. I guess I just want to talk about it to anybody who will listen, who may also have some life experience, or something.

 

I attempted to come out to a few people, to mixed results. Luckily it's mostly positive, though admittedly I'm very, very selective over who I've told. I did try telling my parents before, and some furniture became broken. (they have reverted to thinking I have never told them this I think. I'm not sure. They don't mention it anymore)

 

I currently don't have a job, and am in school again, online, trying to get a degree and certifications so I can have a steady income. Money is incredibly tight. I'm scared about the future all the time, not only because of job and trans issues, but also because... of how the world is right now. I can't live with my parents anymore, and I'm rapidly approaching the point where my student loans won't cover living expenses. I'm trying to get work via freelance sites like UpWork, and hopefully that fixes some issues, but nothing has broken yet, and I've been unemployed for over a year.

 

I guess that's my story really. Again, I'm not... really sure what I'm expecting to get out of this site, but I suppose I just really needed to talk about this stuff. Thank you, all.

[MaryEllen]

Hello ErinJade,

 

Welcome to TransPulse. Thank you for sharing with us. Feel free to talk about anything that you want. We'll try to offer support.

 

MaryEllen

[ErinJade]

I'm still a bit nervous about talking about it, I hope I can maybe make friends or something while here, and feel a bit better about the situation. Thank you for the welcome

 

 

[Jani]

Hi ErinJade and welcome.  

2 hours ago, ErinJade said:

I don't know what I'm really looking for by posting on here, exactly

Well, maybe you do, as you say you just need to talk.  That's fine.  We're here for that as we've all been there at some point.  

 

Your comment about falling into irreversible change territory makes me think you are maybe somewhere in your 20's?  Don't worry about that right now as you're not in a position to do anything about it and its not too late.  As far as knowing where you are on the gender spectrum, this is something we've all had to work out.  It doesn't always appear to be obvious but as you experiment and move about in the world as the "real you" things will sort themselves out.  

From your description it appears you have a plan to move forward in life, by doing what you can to work and by continuing your education.  This is good as everything in the future will depend upon a steady income flow.  While seeing a therapist may be beneficial, understanding the impact to your financial situation is wise.   It's easy to look around and be afraid of the future but it's really not all as bad as it appears.  There have been some bad times in the country and we've survived.  Look for the good things in life.  Plus while there are seemingly endless transgender  stories in the news, this is not a bad thing.  There is more support, social and medical, then there seems to ever have been.  I am certainly thankful for this.  

 

I'm sorry your parents were not as accepting as you had hoped.  Once you are firmly on your feet and can move forward on this journey hopefully they will see things differently.  If not, so be it as you must live your life as they have lived theirs.    

 

So, it was good to hear from you and I hope we can be of assistance on your journey.   We're here!

 

Jani 

[Charlize]

Welcome Erin Jade.  I was as uncertain as you sound when i first found this site.  I knew i had issues but didn't understand and felt terribly alone and i hate to say it ...like a freak.  Simply knowing i am not alone and finding others who have gone through the same feelings helped me find some acceptance and the strength to find  some peace with myself.  

I hope you find the same support i found here and that things begin to work out better in your life.  It's easier if we're not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Hi ErinJade

 

Welcome

 

It is good to find somewhere that you can relax amongst friends. This is such a place

 

Tracy x

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Eric Jade.  I hope you find here what you need and find friendship, as well.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[MarcieMarie12]

Welcome Erin to transpulse! 

 

Hugs,

Marcie

[ErinJade]

Thank you all