So I came out to my family and...

[Cthorne]

(Sorry not sure where to post this.)

 

I have always been the quiet one, I keep everything close to my chest and never ever rock the boat. The walls are up and I keep everything that is 'me' contained in this tiny little box, so that no one has to worry about me and I don't cause any problems for anyone else.

 

That being said I recently came out to my family and at first they were super supportive and everything, they listened and asked questions and said they would stay by my side not matter what, they just wanted me to be happy.

 

Jump to a week later and I've started to notice moments. When ever I bring up the subject, they give me this look and are questioning me like they don't believe me. I try to move the process on because I feel good and free about the whole thing but then they reluctantly agree with me. I gave them information to better explain how I'm feeling and they argue that it doesn't fit with me and how I was growing up.

 

A part of me is wondering.... Should I stop mentioning it.... Should I slowly crawl back into that dark lonely closet and accept that I will be stuck that way for the rest of my life. (I gotta be honest.... I'm not sure how long my life would be if I did this, some dark thoughts have popped into my head a few times and right now, its scary because I don't have anything else to lose, they seem like an actually possibility.)

 

Advice please if you can give it but if not that's okay.... I need to get these thoughts/feelings out there in the world ;'( 

[jae bear]

 Oh my gosh you are so brave, I’m a complete coward so I’m always amazed by anyone that has the Courage to speak especially towards family, what a hard thing to do. I’m so happy that they’re being somewhat acceptable and at least listening to a degree that is very encouraging. I find that even with all of my legitimate daily problems my family gets tired of hearing me, so I try to temper what I say with mixed topics, but I just Want to be myself at the end of the day so I can understand your need to discuss this with your family. The only advice  I really have is to give them time you don’t need to hide yourself you don’t need to go to a dark space, live in the bright, live in the light, enjoy yourself and find fun things to talk about with your family occasionally, there will be time you can discuss the heavy emotional problems that are associated with the things that we love. But in the end you had a great start with an accepting family, there’s no reason you couldn’t cultivate that into a lifetime of love.

squishy hugs,

Jae

[BrandiBri]

I agree with Jae, but I would add give them some time to adjust. In their eyes you dropped a bombshell and they need time to digest this information. Let them initiate any future conversations. I'm sure there will be questions and you can address any concerns at that time.

 

Brandi

[jae bear]

Yes, I totally agree with you on this Brandi, well said!

Hugs,

Jae

[Cthorne]

I get what you're saying but it's making me seriously question myself.... Am I transgender? Did I do the right thing by telling my family? Should I have waited? 

 

The second I connected all the dots and found there was a way where I didn't have to hate myself I went for it. 

 

I don't want to feel ashamed of myself anymore... Can anyone relate?

[Jani]

Hello Cthorne and Welcome!  What you are seeing with your family being supportive at first then reacting in other ways is common.  Family and friends do not seem to grasp the concept when we first come out to them.  They smile and say they support us and want us to be happy but then reality strikes and they see we are serious and this isn't what they expect at all.  Some look at it from their point of perspective thinking how this will affect their lives, and what will the neighbors think!  

 

I would hold off actively bringing up the subject and just get on with your life.  When you see something on the TV, or a movie or in the press that can educate or reinforce your new direction, then you might bring it up.  Otherwise they might feel you are cramming it down their throats and come to resent you and the whole idea of your transition.  You can wait for them to approach you with questions if you want.

 

As to how this doesn't fit in with how they've seen you as you grew; we all become adept at hiding our true feelings in an effort to fit in to the norms family and society dictate.   Tell them you're just being honest with yourself and them.  You have one life and they have theirs.  They will say it will be hard and fraught with peril, and this is true.  In all the extremely difficult things I've faced, this is right up there on top, yet I couldn't have made a better choice for myself.  

 

Of course you will have times, especially early on when you have doubts.  This is normal regardless of the life change we go through, and this is a big life change.  Get a counselor / therapist to help guide you along.  A good one is invaluable.

 

I look forward to seeing you around the site.

 

Cheers,

Jani  

[jae bear]

Hi Cthorne,

 I can completely relate... I hated myself for 35 years, and I finally stopped. I can't wait to talk to a therapist, I have so much to spill! I was so dishonest with myself for years and years, funny how you can't really hide from yourself even if it doesn't stop you from trying. There is no reason to beat yourself up, stop hating yourself and find happiness, your family will deal eventually, give them time...

squishy hugs,

Jae

[BrandiBri]

Hi Cthorne,

I agree with everything that's been said. i remember agonizing about how to to tell my kids and worrying about how they would react, but I found that all four accept me and I know that three of them support my decision to identify as Brandi. They were all shocked and i left two of them speechless! But after the initial shock wore off, they just look at me as if I were a woman all my life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as your family begins to accept this they will eventually accept you for who you are.

 

Take care,

Brandi

[DenimAndLace]

20 hours ago, Cthorne said:

I get what you're saying but it's making me seriously question myself.... Am I transgender? Did I do the right thing by telling my family? Should I have waited?

 

I don't want to feel ashamed of myself anymore... Can anyone relate?

 

I am 5 years out from the moment I first confessed to someone that I thought I was transgender.  I've "known" I was transgender since I first became self aware as a child but I hid it until I couldn't live any longer as the person everyone thought I was.  ...I have doubts to this day!!!  You have half the worlds population telling you that you're NOT transgender - many of them screaming it at you.  But YOU know who you are.  Hang on to what you know with all your might.

 

One thing that really helped me was to make some lists.  Answer these questions IN WRITING:

Write down all the reasons you KNOW what your true gender is.  I know my gender is _____ because 1. 2. 3. 4. etc

Write down all the reasons why you need people to know your gender.  I need "you" to know my gender is _____ because 1. 2. 3. 4. etc

Write down all the reasons you are coming out of the closet.  It's important to me to be known as _____ because 1. 2. 3. 4. etc

Write down all the reasons you are doing something about it.  I'm taking these steps to become my true gender because 1. 2. 3. 4. etc

 

These lists will be for YOU.  When you have doubts, read them to yourself and add to them each time you think of another reason.  They will become your voice of encouragement when you have doubts.

[Charlize]

Welcome Cthorne,

When i first came out to my family it was simply because i knew i had to change.  I was living as myself outside of the home as much as possible to the extent of dressing in the car at the end of the driveway and changing back to male mode reluctantly when i got home.  Yuck.  It drove me crazy.  When i came out i started therapy and shortly afterwards went full time.  My therapist helped me in that process.

How does this relate to your story?  I can only say that my family had to accept me or not.  I was as kind and understanding as i could be but after making the decision i simply never turned back.  I simply let go of other priorities and did what was necessary for me to find peace with myself.

Being here and seeing my therapist helped a great deal.

Please understand that you are not alone in this difficult decision.  many here understand completely.

Have i had doubts? of course.....any who say they never had any doubt are hard to believe but i also know i had to give it a shot and am glad i did.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize.

[Cthorne]

Thank you everyone  You guys are amazing!! I don't feel quite so alone anymore I wish I could hug each and everyone of you!!

 

I've already got in touch with my local lgbt+ centre and set up a meeting so I can chat to someone face to face, I'm a little nervous but also excited  I do get the feeling that my mother is hoping that they will talk me out of it, today I mentioned getting my hair cut (Totally androgynous style and I've shown her a pic of a woman with said hair cut) and maybe doing a little clothes shopping (I'm not going to go mad just maybe a few new tops :D Guy tops!! and I agreed that I would only wear obvious guy clothes when at home and no one was visiting us.) but she was very sort of... "Maybe you should wait until after you've been to your meeting...."

 

I'm not angry with her about it, I know this is a big change but I also wanna get away from being the old me as soon as possible but I'm going to listen to you guys and just let them come to me but I refuse to ignore it completely. I finally feel like I haven't got this big secret (one that I didn't even know I had) weighing on me and the idea of going back now makes me feel a thousand times worse. I've had a taste of freedom and I don't wanna give it up.

 

Sorry if this got ranty but anyways I am soooo happy I found this forum and I plan on bugging all of you with loads of questions!!  

[Jani]

Never be concerned about being "ranty" because we've all been there and therefore we are here to listen and provide support.  I'm glad you found us. 

 

BTW: I bet your mother will come around. 

 

Jani

[tamt]

On 2/22/2018 at 7:33 AM, Cthorne said:

Jump to a week later and I've started to notice moments. When ever I bring up the subject, they give me this look and are questioning me like they don't believe me. I try to move the process on because I feel good and free about the whole thing but then they reluctantly agree with me. I gave them information to better explain how I'm feeling and they argue that it doesn't fit with me and how I was growing up.

 

+1 to what others have said.

 

You've been dealing with these feelings for a very long time.  

 

They've just been exposed to them.  People need time to turn their good reaction into a good feeling.  Be as patient as you can with them while making sure to take care of yourself, and know that any negative actions they show in the see-saw of emotions they are going through is them, and not a reflection of any issue with you.

[Cthorne]

Yeah we actually talked about it tonight  She said that they would need some more time to deal with the news and I told her how her reactions have been making me feel like she wants me to take it all back and she said that wasn't true at all. (Luckily this time there weren't any tears lol)

 

I explained that sometimes I might not be able to help myself, especially if I get excited about something and she understand and we've both agreed not to pressure each other.

[BrandiBri]

That's great!       Sounds like you're making progress, I hope that things will work out for both of you.

Brandi

[Cthorne]

I can't stop grinning!! My amazing little brother just calmly without me needing to say anything was just like "Thanks sister... or brother or whatever you are now..." and I was like  and then I said "Was that weird for you?" and he said "Not really this is who you are and I'm ok with it.... but stop grinning so much you look a little crazy" 

[BrandiBri]

Cthorne, 

I'm so happy for you! sounds like the doors are opening and things are working out for you.

Hugs, Brandi

[jae bear]

Hi Cthorne,

 No reason to stop grinning, be who you are and wear a smile, I myself love to hang out with my fellow nerd-herd and we always focus on laughter and happy things. I am so happy for you, this is all shaping up nicely, there will be bumps in the road now and then but if you can laugh at them as you move along you will have a superpower no one could strip away from you.

Love & hugs,

Jae