Came out to my wife last night!

[jae bear]

Oh My Goodness! I didn’ t mean to come out to her, but we were talking really late at I had emptied half a bottle of merlot... I just planned to tell her about my more recent sharing of her clothes, but it led to her asking if I was taking hormones. I froze, if asked to shelve it, but I was caught, so I splilled it and cried. She’ not going to leave, she was so quiet at first, I am still insecure and scared, but the truth is out and there is no real way to put it back in... ripped my bear suit pretty bad, no hiding it now. I don’t want to overwhelm her, I think I need to give it some time. She is willing to go to counseling with me, I’m not sure if we should go together from the start, or if I should bring her in after talking with the therapist a bit on my own first... It’s all so surreal, like a bunny cornering a bear and scaring his skin off.

hugs to all - nervous as heck,

Jae

[Guest Rachel Gia]

Hi Jae,

You seem to be on the fast track with this so I would say that doing as much possible with her would be a grand idea!!!

I almost never give advice but I think you should start buying your own clothes and owning who you are/

Getting your own makeup etc.

Its what I told my daughter when she told me her previous boyfriend was thinking about hormones.

My last piece of unwanted advice is when you buy makeup , be sure its not the tester as that will cause you unwanted attention.

Most places have self check out so its not an issue of privacy. Testers still are a pain even in this situation.

Don't be afraid to ask for advice as the cosmetic sales woman have to deal with cis women all day if you get my drift.

Much Love and I think it's awesome she's open!

Rachel

[BrandiBri]

Sound's like it went better than you thought it would! I'm glad that she's not going to leave you. I also sure that it's going to be a bumpy road, but it sound's like you will make it. I imagine that you have a sense of relief now that she knows. I know I did when I came out. Best of luck lady.

Many hugs and kisses,

 

Brandi

[jae bear]

Thank you Rachel, she asked me to do that this morning, wanted to know if I needed help buying clothes... I think I’m still in bit of shock, I didn’t know how to answer. She’s a medical person so she’s worried about the risks...

hugs,

Jae

[bobbisue]

43 minutes ago, jae bear said:

Thank you Rachel, she asked me to do that this morning, wanted to know if I needed help buying clothes... I think I’m still in bit of shock, I didn’t know how to answer. She’s a medical person so she’s worried about the risks...

hugs,

Jae

     My answer would be a resounding yes and a big hug but this is your decision I am very happy for you I imagine this is a great weight off of you, be sure to tell your little bunny how wonderful she is for standing by you from yourself and from me  ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to both of you

 

     bobbisue

[BrandiBri]

Jae, I'm so happy for you! You have a wonderful woman who is willing to stand by you and that's really great. Have a great time shopping!

 

Love, Brandi 

[jae bear]

I’ve been telling her how amazing she is since the moment I woke up I think it’s getting on her nerves, I really have to give her some space and a little time and hope things work out right now she’s so quiet it makes me nervous...

hugs,

Jae

[jae bear]

Hi Bobby and Brandi I’m sorry I’m just a little freaked out I had no intention of spilling everything last night, just kind happened and things here could get little bumpy... I’m pretty sure she’s going to stay I sure hope she doesn’t leave me. I’m so anxious I can hardly sit still keep going through bouts of trembling and worrying I love her so much I don’t know what I could do if she left... I would just beg at her feet I think.

hugs,

Jae

[jae bear]

 Dang it sorry for the misspelled names girls,  using auto Text, my fingers are too nervous and are not hitting the right keys I’m not thinking quite straight.

[BrandiBri]

Jae,

Sister, I can't imagine whats going through you're head now, but you know we are all here for you. You took a big step, although not intentional, but a big one never the less. Give you wife time to adjust to this development. It sounds that she wants to support you, but she needs time to figure out her own feelings. Stay strong, girl!

 

Big Hug,

 

Brandi

[bobbisue]

     Jae don;t worry about the spelling I spelled it wrong for over 50 years  and my parents forgot to put the a at the end of Roberta  on a more serious note spouses can take a while to adjust give her time we had a big head start dealing with this some come aboard fast others take a long time after 3 years my wife is only now really accepting this is real but she is still here 

 

     bobbisue

[tamt]

3 hours ago, jae bear said:

I’ve been telling her how amazing she is since the moment I woke up I think it’s getting on her nerves, I really have to give her some space and a little time and hope things work out right now she’s so quiet it makes me nervous...

 

 

You are very wise and kind to do this.  People need (lots of) time to process something like this. Everyone processes in a different way - some get angry on occasion, some are very quiet - some a bit of both.

 

Just show them the you that everyone here appreciates so much.  Hard for *anyone* to not like you.  You'll win them over eventually.  

[jae bear]

Thank you so much for your kind words I truly think it’ll all be OK but my nerves are shot. We went to the movies and had a nice time... she had a bit of a headache but I enjoyed spending time together I think it’ll all work itself out but time will be the key I just need not to rattle her nerves with all of my worries and insecurities every single moment of the day. I really appreciated your message it means quite a great deal to me.

hugs,

Jae

[Terry]

Hi Jae,

 

There's not much I am able to contribute, because I haven't been (yet?) in your situation. But it seems to me this has gone amazingly well! I find it particularly sweet that she's concerned about the risks (rather than, for instance, what the neighbours might think), which seems to me a clear sign that she genuinely cares about you. And the fact that she is being a bit quiet should not worry you too much. She will be thinking about many things, just like you do yourself.

 

May I suggest to accept her offer to help you buy clothes? It looks like a very positive, possibly even fun, way of keeping her involved. With other things to discuss it might be good to let her bring things up when she's ready (or finds it even necessary).

 

I really think you're very lucky with your wife. Congrats!

 

Big hug,

Terry

[Gwen]

Hello Jae!

 

This was wonderful news to share, especially when we hear so often how these moments can end badly. I agree with Terry. Your wife's response seems so positive and helpful, and reveal that her care and concern is her true motivation. It may be awkward taking her clothes shopping, but why not? Something fun could help ease the initial tension with this monumental shift in your marriage, and it might allow you to open up more to her. In time, you'll have plenty of opportunities to understand your new self, and how she/you wants to present to the world, but the present is the present and it seems to be a golden time to share.

 

I hope this continues to unfold with happiness, love and support

 

Gwen

 

 

[jae bear]

Thanks for all of your love and support!

I'm feeling a bit better today, still very insecure, my wife just texted me at work and had nice loving words to share, that felt so nice... The good news is that the Lane Bryant she shops at always lets me go into the dressing room with her, they think nothing of it and I have always loved to help her try on new clothes, wonder why?! She asked about shopping for me yesterday, and I was just frozen in my tracks I don't even remember what I said. I would love to go get our nails done, I'm sure she would do it, but the little asian nail salon girls would get a good laugh at the big bearded flannel clad man getting sparkly lavender nail gel done with his wife, we'd just laugh it off and remove mine later before seeing family or returning to work. I guess my little slip wasn't so bad, she even told me she had a boyfriend in her 20's that was a cross-dresser, they used to get dressed up and drive around Florida in his convertible, never knew much about that till now. Her first boyfriend in highschool is a very interesting gay man now, she still hates him for cheating on her though, and the last boyfriend she had right before me also came out to her about being gay, and he was the flippin love of her life (so glad I caught her before he did), so I am starting to see her a little differently now, in a good way. I so rarely drink, that the Merlot really loosened me up, half a bottle is easy to knock out but she's one smart cookie and had me pegged in the first 20 minutes of conversation, talk about deer in the headlights! Or I guess Bear in headlights... She is still quiet and processing, but she is not mad, so I would say that is progress. If it weren't for all the love and support I found here I would never have been able to find my voice, I thank all of you for that.

 

The most interesting Woman in the world says:

" I don't often drink, but when I do, I come out to my wife and tell her I want to be a girl." 

 

Huge squishy hugs,

Jae

[jae bear]

Oh my goodness... Wife just texted me... sent me the lyrics to the song "if we're honest"

Hit me like a ton of bricks, have to hide in bathroom at work and cry a little bit... She said she understands why I am insecure, I love her so much...

 

I think things are going to be okay in the end...

Love to all,

Jae 

 

I'd post the lyrics here, but I don't know if that is ok since it is copyrighted material-

[BrandiBri]

Jae, 

 

You are so lucky to have a wife that is willing to do things like shopping. I wish I  had someone to shop with, that sounds like so much fun. I just listened to that song and it brought me to tears. That song really rings true. I truly hope things will continue to go smoothly for both you and your wife.

 

Love and hugs,

 

Brandi

[jae bear]

Thank you Brandi, I couldn’t stop crying for a while, luckily no one else came to use the bathroom during my little hideout. I love her so much, Forgot to mention that she broached the topic of SRS, I wasn’t expecting that at all, I might have far more support than I realized... I am still quietly optimistic but I feel at the moment she still loves me. I’m just taking it one day at a time right now, and trying not to be too needy or visibly insecure.

squishy hugs,

Jae

[jae bear]

I was just asking her about the shopping offer, now she says she did not offer that, maybe she said something else and I just heard what I wanted to hear... Makes me nervous again thinking I am misreading her so bad... I think she might be pulling back a bit as this all sinks in, I can’t really blame her, but at least she promised me I would not come home to find my bags packed for me. I am also getting the hunch that she doesn’t want to go with me to therapy now, I don’t want to push my luck so I’m just going to lay low tonight...

hugs,

Jae

[jae bear]

I am bit worried now, a swift chill just blew though last night, my wife is very concerned about a lot of things and very uncertain I'm being truthful about others. I totally get that none of these pieces of me seem to fit together, but I am not lying to her one little bit now. I do still have my guard up when I should not but it's a hard reflex to eliminate all at once, It takes me a moment or two to correct my self or back up a space and tell her the honest truth, unfortunately her questions get answers that bounce back and forth between reality and fantasy... I do my best to be clear about what is what and that I don't what to overwhelm her but I don't fully understand all of it myself, I just know that I have always been this way. She's super worried that I have cheated, or that I want to have men in my life, neither of which are true, I myself, in my core, am just a big chubby lesbian that wished she were cuter on the outside (so she could wear cute clothes) but those elements of reality and fantasy get mixed all in the same sentence. My flannels are unisex, everyone wears jeans and I like my purple shirts (somehow my favorite color switched from green to purple, can quite explain that one). I am worried that I threw our dynamic out of wack, but to be honest, we have not been good to each other for a long time, mostly my fault for being a raging angry jerk all the time, but it was without question a large part of how I covered my tracks. I am super excited to talk with the therapist, I hope she will go with me at some point and he can help explain things about me that I struggle to understand, it might be good for us both. But for the moment I want to let her digest this huge thing that just happened, I never meant to let the dam burst all at once, she probably feels like she's drowning in it all.

squishy hugs,

Jae

[Terry]

Hi Jae,

 

This still doesn't look worrying to me. Just think of it this way - she has a lot of things going through her head right now, just like you. There's a lot to process and that takes time. Maybe it's even a bit early to talk in big depth, for both of you, because you need to get things clear.

 

But it seems to me that what you both can do with is some comforting. So maybe just focus on spending quality time together, even if it is just some dull everyday things like watching a film together. It's really about enjoying each other's company and appreciating each other. Another aspect is to make sure that you talk about things that are on her mind to an equal extent as you talk about yours. Even if the changes going on with you are quite significant at the moment, to make a relationship work I think it should always be about both.

 

These are just some ideas to think about, hopefully some of them are helpful.

 

Big hug,

Terry

[Charlize]

Jae please don't expect your wife to accept all at once.  I found for my wife that she went through what was almost a grieving process.  It took time and to this day i know that she would prefer that i had never had a gender issue.  Over the years that has faded into the background but it will always be a part of our relationship.  I simply can't change that which has taken me time to accept as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Briana]

Hi Jae,

 

What you describe above is something I'm sure many of us have read/heard before when a spouse/SO comes out to the other.  At first what seems to be acceptance and then the seeming change in attitude or demeanor.  I think it's important to give your SO time to absorb put it and begin to try and put it all together.  Try and put yourself in her spot.  What does it all mean for us?  What will it look like going forward?  What will I have to deal with/endure with friends and family etc.?  There's a LOT for her to think about.  Charlize's comment about a SO going through a type of grieving process is very spot on to me.

 

It's a lot to take in.  Give her time, love, understanding, and support.  What worked for me with my spouse (and girlfriend before) was short session of Q&A with any and everything fair game.  Not only did it provide me with an opportunity to be open and honest with her, it also helped me. 

 

Best of luck and don't get discouraged.

[jae bear]

Oh my gosh! You are all the best, like my own little circle of friends lifting me back up when I fall down, don't know what I would do without all of you! My Bunny and I had a great talk last night, I was just going to lay low and let her rest, give her more time to think and just be together in our comfortable environment... She surprised me by talking and asking more questions, so I answered them all the best I could, open, honest, no lies, it was tough... I wish I understood myself more, it would help to articulate my thoughts better, but with all your help I was able to get my thoughts lined up a little better this time. I felt like we really connected, in a way we have not in so many years, she is so very much my entire world, I don't want to get kicked out of Bunnyland! She' still confused about the way my pieces don't fit right, but then again so am I, she is worried about infidelity and I get it, we both came from previous cheating spouses, nothing wrecks your trust like that. I have to say last night was, well, it's hard to describe, just awesome... We both laughed so hard we woke up the kid, she had me crying and having a cramp in my side from the uncontrollable shear joy of it all. She's so funny, I forgot she was like that, she read my latest poem and understood me just a tiny bit more, it was really good for both of us. I wish I could dispel her fidelity doubts, but all I can do is tell her what's in my heart and slowly rebuild the trust I hurt by coming out and showing her all my hidden lies, then again healing is a long process and stings for a long time too. I am so happy today, I really feel like she's willing to stick it out and let us heal together. Part of me hopes she calls me rabbit instead of bear someday, it would feel really good to have her acceptance like that, I know it's a long way off, but since we mostly only call each of by our pet names [well, maybe me more than her] it would feel so good to hear it. Special apology to Rabbit here on the forum, I feel like I am co-opting your awesome name, but Jae Rabbit has a nice ring to it! Then again I have a long way to go before that name would fit...

 

I also got my appointment set with my therapist review tomorrow, I am so excited to see him!

 

HUGE group squishy hug!

Jae