Unintentional outing of myself, and surprises!

[SandraG]

Hi all!

I wanted to share with you something that's happened to me in the last couple days, which has kinda thrown me for a major loop.

I've always had a strong LGBTQ ally sharing tendency on FB, but apparently it's been stronger the last few months (surprise, surprise!). I figured this out when an ex of mine (who I had an amicable breakup with, and the only reason that we're not closer friends is because my wife considers her a threat to our relationship... not the case at all, but I can understand why) came out and asked me if I was finally transitioning!

Needless to say, this was a shock. I didn't even have a hint of being trans* in my head when we were together, even though I was a stay-at-home partner to her for over a year, and fulfilled all the stay-at-home duties for her in our relationship. I mean, there were some times that I would wear her work pants, but that's because we had the same pant size and I didn't have any heavy duty work pants at the time. Talking with her online, though, apparently she'd suggested that I start dressing when we were together, and I'd said no. I don't remember this, but my brain is full of holes about that time in my life (I blame alcohol and immature inattentiveness). Talking to her (before my current relationship, she was a friend that we could dive right back into conversations after years of not talking), I've seriously started to wonder how much I was hiding from myself and why I waited so long, especially since it sounds like she was ENCOURAGING me to transition almost a decade ago! 

 

OMG, I'm so confused. How did I miss this for so long? How many of my other ex's (way too many of them) will respond with "wait, how did you NOT know this?" when I come out of the closet? Are my parents and family going to have the same reaction (after all, they raised me to believe that gender norms are BS, but that having an LGBT lifestyle was something that was completely acceptable in our family)?

 

It does make me more comfortable coming out, even if that's still a ways away (my parents and family need to know, face to face wherever possible, before I come out to the public). I'm just shocked that this happened. No downsides here from my perspective, but hopefully one of the taller upsides is being able to get them talking to each other. As a boy, my ex's being friends was a source of worry and fear, but now... I really think that they'll be good friends (if my wife gets over her jealousy of my ex, the ironic thing is that they both are saying the same thing about the other one: my ex thinks that my wife is SO MUCH BETTER a match, which I generally agree with, and my wife thinks that my ex is one of the few people I'd think was a better match - not true, but understandable why she'd think that), and I'm really hoping that they actually do become friends - even if they gang up on me!

 

Has anyone else run into this? I've had gay friends this has happened to, but... wow. Just wow.

[Dev]

My experience wasn't with someone as close to me as yours was, but something similar did happen with me.  Before it ever occurred to me that I was trans - and wow, did I miss some pretty blatant signs - some friends in Minneapolis introduced me to a friend of theirs who happened to be a trans woman.  She pegged me the second she met me.

 

I still remember the first thing she said after we were introduced.  "So you're she/her, right?"

 

Cue me backpedaling, not because I was afraid to be "mistaken" for trans, just because I was clueless.  I ended up telling her I was very much male, but if I ever managed to piss her off I preferred "bitch" to "bastard" for an epithet.  (See?  Blatant.)

 

She introduced me to more trans people, and about six months later it all hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was almost 30 at the time, was fully aware and supportive of the trans community, and beyond oblivious to my own role in it.

[DaHudie Biz]

I just think you have got to be yourself. Don't be surprised by aanything, and by the way I love your hair.

 

DaHudie

[Cthorne]

1 hour ago, Dev said:

She introduced me to more trans people, and about six months later it all hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was almost 30 at the time, was fully aware and supportive of the trans community, and beyond oblivious to my own role in it.

 

 You were almost 30?... like me.... I'm 30 this year... I don't know why but this makes me feel better about being late to the party  

[Dev]

Just now, Cthorne said:

I don't know why but this makes me feel better about being late to the party

 

I'm glad it does!  I've always been very observant and helpful in giving advice to other people.  Up until the last several years, though, my self-awareness was seriously lacking.  

[Jani]

There are so many things we tend to be oblivious about!  Thinking back I am sure I had a number of people scratching their heads about me when I was younger.  Despite being able to laser focus on many things, there are too many that were/are beyond my grasp.?

7 minutes ago, Dev said:

I've always been very observant and helpful in giving advice to other people.  Up until the last several years, though, my self-awareness was seriously lacking.

Me too!  It's funny to look back on now.

 

Sandra you'll be fine.   Now if you can only figure a way for your wife to befriend your "other" friend.  (hint: stop saying Ex.)

 

Jani

[SandraG]

I'm 34,  didn't figure out until late in my 33rd year... so I'm another late bloomer.

 

2 hours ago, Dev said:

wow, did I miss some pretty blatant signs

 

Yeah... looking back, I feel like a real idiot on occasion.

 

1 hour ago, DaHudie Biz said:

I just think you have got to be yourself. Don't be surprised by aanything

 

That's what I've been discovering... And thank you on the hair. It's a cheapo wig, but basically in the same style and color as a lace-front human hair wig I've got my eye on (just waiting for it to go on sale!), so I can get used to not being mostly bald with short hair!

 

16 minutes ago, Dev said:

I've always been very observant and helpful in giving advice to other people.  Up until the last several years, though, my self-awareness was seriously lacking.  

 

Yeah, I feel largely the same way...

 

Just now, Jani said:

Now if you can only figure a way for your wife to befriend your "other" friend.  (hint: stop saying Ex.)

 

Yep. I don't around her. However, she knew J as my friend first, then got pissed when she found out that we'd lived together for close to 2 years... 

[Jani]

But you can stress that you married her (your wife) because you loved her.  J was and is a friend.  I understand that your wife was upset at that news but sometimes we don't gain anything be coming completely clean when its not needed.  Obviously your wife knows now so it eventually came out.  I hope you can all be friends, if that is a possibility.  Otherwise stick with your wife as your number one and only.

 

Jani

[SandraG]

1 hour ago, Jani said:

I hope you can all be friends, if that is a possibility.  Otherwise stick with your wife as your number one and only.

 

I hope so, too, and I really think that they would be really good friends.

 

My wife just has a hard time believing that she's the woman of my dreams. It's frustrating, because she seems to focus on her flaws, whereas I look at them and see more reasons to be madly in love with her! She really is the only one I want to be with... I just hope some day she can see that!

[Kirsten]

Hi Sandra, 

I have a similar situation with my wife and my ex. My ex and I have a 12 year old child together, so we have a connection that needs to be maintained. And since I’ve started coming out to the people in my life she has become one of my biggest supporters. But she is a hard woman to deal with at times. They have actually known each other for 30 years too. My ex actually set my wife and I up with each other. And I do wish that they could be friends again. But I think that it creates jealousy, at least in my situation. I think it comes down to the fact that my transition is much easier for my ex to deal with. She is not scared to loose her husband like my wife is. (She won’t by the way. She is my world.) But it is easier for my friend to be supportive. And that hurts my wife I think. It’s a delicate dance. But like Jani said, your wife comes first. And I think it’s important to keep that clear. I haven’t figured out how to do that yet, but I’m trying. 

I hope that it all works out for you all. 

Kirsten 

[SandraG]

1 minute ago, Kirsten said:

I think it comes down to the fact that my transition is much easier for my ex to deal with. She is not scared to loose her husband like my wife is. (She won’t by the way. She is my world.) But it is easier for my friend to be supportive. And that hurts my wife I think. It’s a delicate dance. But like Jani said, your wife comes first. And I think it’s important to keep that clear. I haven’t figured out how to do that yet, but I’m trying.

 

This is so true for me, as well. One of the surprises that came out in our conversation is that my ex is now openly pansexual, rather than just saying she's bi. So, of course she's very supportive, but I'm worried that this will make the stress on my wife worse. 

The thing, as you and Jani both have said, is that my wife is the love of my life, the center of my universe, and everything else can go to hell if it makes her happy. I need to be myself, I need this transition to happen, and she understands that and is supportive.The most pain I've seen her in since I came out was when we had the conversation that led to me deciding to put off HRT. It was her suggestion, to make us having a child affordable, and it's the right one, but... God, the pain in her eyes when she suggested it broke my heart. In fact, she has a faster transition timeline in her head than I do! So I'm not worried about her getting in the way of my transition, and I think she believes that it'll result in a better relationship for us.

If you figure it out, let me know, and I promise to do the same!

 

Now, I'm off to my GD therapy session! We'll see how much of it is transition logistics (the plan), and how much of it is therapy (probably more helpful today, TBH).

 

Hugs!
Sandra

[Kirsten]

1 hour ago, SandraG said:

If you figure it out, let me know, and I promise to do the same!

Haha. I will. But don’t hold your breath.