Got outted at work and asked for a divorce, what a day!

[jae bear]

today was a train wreck, —- crap I need a break! 

Well, here goes post #350...

.

Soooooooo.......

.

I got outted at work today,

the shipping supervisor came down on me and forced the issue, smart guy, saw right through me... 

I believe everyone that said they support me, but no one will look directly at me or in my eyes at all now... dam-it!

Tomorrows going to be weird, but at least it’s Friday. My wife is in no mood to handle it right now since only two days ago she asked for a divorce, so I don’t feel like I can bring it up tonight without stirring up trouble. Thankfully we patched it up within 24 hours ending with 2 hours of straight crying (both of us). I feel like hiding under a rock.

. 

The head machinist at work always jokes that I should hire a shop assistant with big boobs, so now the joke is that I will be filling that position. I would probably find that funny if it was not at my expense, I guess he should have been more careful what he wished for (or at least more specific)

.

I’ve got tons of time sensitive tax paperwork to finish tonight and get over to the attorneys office or I would be writing the longest “poor me” post ever... Probably for the best I don’t have time.

.

Here’s what I know, I will get through this, I will own this, I will be the best darn triple D endowed shop assistant this company ever had. My wife will not be leaving me, for now. This all sucks so bad I don’t even feel like stress eating...

. Although I do still have a jar of pickled beets.

Hugs,

Jae

[Dev]

Oh, Jae...  I know we normally say this about painful, self-injurious behavior, but... Pickled beets are not the answer.

 

If you're comfortable saying, why did your wife bring up the idea of divorce?

 

The good news is, you're in California, so if anyone at work becomes a problem you have a bit more law on your side than you might if you lived elsewhere.  That doesn't make the stress of being forced out of the closet any easier, I know, but it's something to keep in mind depending on how they treat you going forward.

 

 

[jae bear]

“Put down the pickled beets and back away m’aam”! 

.

ahhhhh... I can always count on you Dev, thank you!

.

The little company I used to own was absorbed by my current employer, so I am considered a founder, and I am HR sooooo... all good there-?

.

dont get me wrong, I am an expert with a forklift, (in fact the forklift we have used to be mine) but my day felt like this...

[Dev]

Fork lifts, squeezers, and one-man lifts are just fun.  I used to run the office at a Sears warehouse.  They had the most unreliable warehouse staff - constantly doing the no-call, no-show thing, so I'd end up covering.  And I loved doing it.

[jae bear]

9 minutes ago, Dev said:

If you're comfortable saying, why did your wife bring up the idea of divorce?

.

good question, I wish I had a good answer... I think she had at that point lost all trust in me, I went to a transwoman group meeting at the DeFanck center while she was out of town and she saw my late disclosure as admission of guilt rather than the casual conversation I thought it was... I really had no idea that I should have asked first, but in retrospect It would have been a good idea to do that first...

Hugs,

Jae

[Dev]

Hmm.  I'm not sure I agree that's something she should have been consulted on.  Maybe a heads-up in advance about the fact that you were going, but not in a way that would invite her to tell you not to.  It's just a friendly social experience, after all; it isn't as if you were remotely unfaithful.

[jae bear]

Very true... sadly we just had a fight (this very minute) and just for reference she had previously recommended the DeFrank meetings to me a month ago... She asked me to make her some tea as she caught a cold on the plane and feels lousy, I asked if she wanted her insulated Starbucks mug or her tall Starbucks cup. She now accused me of intentionally trying to make here crazy, and since I am not in a great mood I failed to respond “yes dear” and told her that “no” I just wanted a simple answer. Then she was mad about the way I asked about the bottled water location and about the condition of some recently purchased avacados... It really appears that anything from my mouth is viewed as being “passive aggressive” or “gaslighting”, whatever that means... I just want to go hide from it all, espeacially the 3 thinly veiled divorce threats in under 30 minutes... What is it I have to do to get through to her? All this is frustrating our 12 year old that is now mad at me for upsetting mom....

uuuggghhhh!

calgon take me away!!!!

[Dev]

Ick.

 

If you haven't already, I think suggesting to her that the two of you start couples counseling would be a good idea.  It sounds like she's looking for reasons to be angry with you and deliberately taking offense when she knows none is intended.

[jae bear]

I just did precisely that, but not in a nice tone of voice... I suggested she bring it to her therapist, she suggested I bring it to mine and I responded we both need to sit in front of a therapist to have someone tell me to my face if it is all just me... not the best thing to say I know, and saying I am all worn out from today is no excuse, I have yet to tell her what happened, honestly don’t know if I can anymore...

[jae bear]

I wish I had the patients of a saint, that would really help things... some days I do well and help calm her anger and other days I just make it worse. I hope we make it through this somehow...

[JBfox]

 Sorry to hear about work, Jae, but at least it's out of the way now and you can hopefully go about your business for the most part.

 

 As for the significant other issues, I wish I could say something that could help. Hope you both are able to work things. I've been single for seven years so I can't even imagine what it's like to struggle like that with someone you care to deeply about.

-Valyn

[Dev]

1 hour ago, jae bear said:

I wish I had the patients of a saint, that would really help things... some days I do well and help calm her anger and other days I just make it worse.

 

I think it wouldn't hurt to say these exact words to her.  Tell her you don't mean to snip and snipe, that you always regret it when you do, and that you wish you could gently approach her worries every time.  But emotions get caught up in it, which is why seeing a therapist together is a fantastic idea.  Not to have them as a mediator, but to have someone on the spot to address those emotions and the underlying reasons for them when they come up.

[jae bear]

2 hours ago, JBfox said:

 Sorry to hear about work, Jae, but at least it's out of the way now and you can hopefully go about your business for the most part.

.

Honestly it’s almost a small amount of relief even if it’s a large amount of embarrassment. At least now when it gets hot in the warehouse I don’t have to layer with a flannel and sweat to death all day if I’m working out in the shop, that is of course assuming nothing is rather obscene with just a T-shirt on since I don’t wear a bra, I may need to change that reallity as my E dosage is about to go full throttle since my Endo it’s ready to pull the trigger, so to speak...

As far as staying together with my wife that is my full intention, and I really do my best to stay calm and listen, but there are days like today when my patiences is razor thin and I just don’t have the bandwidth to deal with an angry and upset wife that simply can’t stand anything about me, not that she is always that way but there are great many times lately when approaching her it’s just not a good idea, this is all very new to her and she needs a lot of space and a lot of time. When these challenges present themselves at inopportune moments it’s simply puts two opposing forces together, which is never a great idea. I’m very much looking forward to her finding a therapist for herself as the appointment is coming up soon and I want to follow that as soon as possible with joint therapy for the two of us. As Dev pointed out I really don’t mean it to be a mediator type situation, I hope its a learning experience for both of us as honestly I can no longer judge whether or not I’m doing the right thing or being fair as my sense of duty and love for my wife is clouding the judgment that I would need simply for self-preservation and self-care, but I don’t mind sacrificing, to be honest she may have to sacrifice way more if she stays with me, and that is ultimately the goal for me, I want her to stay with me and love me but it may also make her brutally unhappy. Sadly every time I think how brutally unhappy she would be if she stayed I honestly just can’t seem to bring myself to a point where I would be able to let go, I know how bad it would hurt her if she stayed and was brutally unhappy but I am very selfish about my wants needs and desires to have her in my life and love her... Sadly I would end up dragging her on a chain behind this horse just for her to come along with me. It’s really about the most selfish thing I can think of doing in my entire life but I can’t seem to stop myself...

Hugs,

Jae

[jae bear]

4 hours ago, Dev said:

Oh, Jae...  I know we normally say this about painful, self-injurious behavior, but... Pickled beets are not the answer.

.

Oh my gosh Dev... I feel so crappy until I come back and read this post of yours again, and every time I simply can’t stop smiling and laughing at it. Who knew that a simple little post from you would have such a powerful anti ‘poor me’ effect, as I am a world-class complainer yet for some reason you completely dissarmed me with the very first reply to one of my most painful posts. You’ve got some talent there honey, no wonder you’re in charge of this place.

Hugs,

Jae

[tracy_j]

Just hang in there Jae. I remember when I was in my last job. Sometimes I got home in the evening, and I was so stressed out that I would display an aura of argument. I have only realised that since leaving that job. The atmosphere is usually very much calmer now, in fact it surprised me very much, as I was worried that being around a lot more would cause more problems.

 

My opinion is that, if there is nothing going on at work that will greatly affect your home life, then try to keep it separate. Be open that things are at a stressful time, if it helps, as your wife may well pickup that things are not well, but she does not need to be worried about two jobs. Just be aware though that your work life will be affecting our mood at home, even if only subconciously.

 

Tracy

[MarcieMarie12]

I know when I was leading up to the divorce it became readily apparent that my ex and I could not argue without her (from my perspective) getting angry with me and then the "you always do this" or "never do that" comes out. In the end, I gave up because I no longer cared about the relationship where I never could do anything right and it was always about her. For the last 4 months of our marriage we stopped talking, and as it readily became apparent that I was going to fully transition she asked for separation and later we got a divorce. We did not have kids fortunately.

[jo jo]

it'l be difficult hun but worth it you will soon see a silver cloud and everything will turn out right for you just remember you'll gonna be who you wanna be you always got friends on here xx

[Briana]

Really, how do we know pickled beets aren't the answer???  I love pickled beets.  They make me feel good.  And they're such  a pretty color.  I like the more tart vinegar based ones over the sweeter ones but I'll take either.  Try them...they may be JUST the answer.

[Guest Rachel Gia]

As far as coming out and my experience at work and in general, some people move on right away and it is not an issue and some take some time to process what they have been told.

Everyone I have told has been great and there have been very few slights and the ones that happened I chalk up to the person groping for a way to communicate.

The

[Guest Rachel Gia]

...The wife issues are the most important and being interested in what she has to say and her feelings is a great place to start.

So much of transitioning is about us and what we are going through that we forget about others in the little things .

[Jani]

Jae, hopefully your marriage will survive and you will both continue as a couple, but stronger.  If not, please look into a mediated divorce where there is no confrontation and things are split amicably.  The advantage is for your children as there is no animosity and less cost.  We all know lawyers are the only winners in divorce cases.  This is nothing against lawyers.  Example, a number of years ago a friends wife decided she didn't want to be married any longer.  It turned into a protracted battle over a $30K difference.  Sadly there were no winners.  Eight years later she settled for the original negotiated settlement and the legal team ended up getting the $30k in fees.

 

I hope things work out for you both as you seem to be truly in love.

 

Hugs, 
Jani  

[jae bear]

4 hours ago, Briana said:

Really, how do we know pickled beets aren't the answer???  I love pickled beets.  They make me feel good.  And they're such  a pretty color.  I like the more tart vinegar based ones over the sweeter ones but I'll take either.  Try them...they may be JUST the answer.

.

Uh Ohhh.... Someone alert the moderators! Looks like we have a pickled beet pushed over here!   ?

HA!

Hugs,

Jae

[jae bear]

I completely understand all these red flag issues, I sense that she would really like to be in control of the speed of my transition... Right now I don't mind all the red flags, I am more worried about all the land mines. It's a little like walking into the lion cage, I don't dare piss her off, but I need her to come to me and let me hug her and love her without getting injured or bitten. I am doing my best to stand and take it when she bites, but yesterday I had already been bitten a few times at work so when she came at me I flinched and screwed it all up. I tried to smooth it over before we fell asleep, but she went right into biting again and I tried to find reason with her until 2 in the morning when I just had to concede it would not work. Now I just feel guilty that I kept her up so late and made her exhausted going to work after only 3 hours of sleep. My therapist told me on Wednesday that I should not just ignore her harmful remarks that attempt to control me, but I find it harder and harder to find the right time where any defense is not viewed as an all out attack. I am willing to go down in this fight to save my family, I can not stop the path I am on, I was on the way to personal self destruction, but not any more. I have brought up the idea of friends for myself several times along the way, and she is dead set against it. Oddly she finds it fine if I have gay male identifying friends, but under no circumstances am I allowed to have female identifying friends at all ever. My instincts tell me to let her know she can't tell me who I can be friends with, but my gut tells me this is not a battle I can win or fight right now. This of course is sad for me since I crave friends that understand me where I can talk openly, however I do understand her phobia level fear of infidelity and that outside friendships would have her mind spinning so hard that when I came home with a smile on my face she would be standing there with a lawyer and papers for me to sign. It's a very good thing I have friends here I can talk to, I have no idea how I would navigate this path without my forum friends to support me and call me out on my BS, straight honest help and advice is the only thing that will help me get through this intact.

Hugs,

Jae

[jae bear]

One thing I forgot to mention about my ordeal at work yesterday was the way I handled everything... I think it is really important to be in control of the situation and own the message. After I got outed by the shipping manager and others were standing around with their jaws on the floor I decided to take control and own it. I went to everyone else in the company personally and explained it to them face to face, granted some didn't want to look me in the eye and started to wander off, but I collected them up and made it clear what was going on and that this is important to me. One particular person that I really like (he has big personal private struggles and I feel for him) sat on his fork lift and stared straight ahead, I swear he was about to cry, I told him I would be there to talk to him about anything anytime and that I clearly would never judge or tell others. Who knows, maybe getting outed at work could eventually help others with their own problems. Today has turned out to be a perfectly fine day, everyone is nice and not avoiding me, I think the personal touch is the way to go, it connects people with reality. The head machinist offered to buy me breakfast just like he does every morning and I finally got to tell him I was watching my girlish figure, well ok, I've been saying that all along but this time it was funnier!

Hugs,

Jae

[SugarMagnolia]

So sorry, Jae! My wife has been that way at different points and it's very difficult to deal with. Finding a balance between honoring your own boundaries and being sensitive to her anxieties is tough. You two do share a great love for one another and it's important to re-focus on that as much as possible. You're doing a great job being patient and trying to help her through all of this.

With respect to the job, it sounds like you handled it extremely well. I agree with you that the personal touch makes a difference. In fact, I think that being open, vulnerable and showing trust in others is an incredibly powerful gift and most people respond to that with heightened friendship and sharing. 

I'm so impressed with you, Jae. You're a rock star! ?

Hugs, 
Julie