Periods of dysphoria and periods of not caring that much?

[Kalyan]

Hello, I already mentioned that in another topic before, but I thought now was a good time to ask.

 

As a young child(kindergarten), I remember thinking I was a boy. For no exact reason. Yeah.

But at the same time I 'knew' I was a girl, but I was like, feeling like I was a boy. 

Though I think I didn't exactly like looking at myself, in the mirror or anything, that may be why the difference never really hit me .

But I didn't pay attention to my clothing, I just let my parents dress me however they wanted, I was never paying attention to my appearance, so I remember not minding that much girl's clothes. I did mind overly girly clothes though.

Soon after, I remember refusing skirts, but I still let my parents dress me with girl's clothes. Since kindergarten I was bullied a lot but I don't remember how it started, I wonder if it was because of that. 

 

Growing up, I know I hated shopping. Because we always went for girl's clothes and I hated it, I just avoided facing my appearance and I just followed the flow again, I didn't take care of myself at all, out of disgust of being like the normal girls. I gained a lot of weight like that btw. Hopefully I lost it today.

But being a 'girl' somehow disgusted me, but it weirded me out and I decided to ignore it.

I was even forced to wear a dress for a wedding, and I was beautiful, really a beautiful little girl but I just, hated it. I couldn't find it beautiful, it didn't suit me.

 

It kept going until end of middle school, where a guy told me what transgender was after hearing my story. I didn't know that existed. But even learning that, I just denied it, because I wanted to convince myself I was over it.

 

Yet, dysphoria never disappeared, it just became stronger.

Now in my second year of highschool, I've just faced the problem. 

Some periods, I feel like maybe I'm just a boyish lesbian or something, even though chest dysphoria doesn't disappear and I still want to look like a man as much as possible.

 

And then, I have periods of intense dysphoria, in which I literally have the URGE to pass, and I just can't handle it, I want to be a man but at the same time it scares me. My parents are clearly transphobic, and transitioning still sounds like a lot of trouble.

 

Especially since now I see how it became popular and some people go through the 'trans phase'(this handful of teens who aren't really trans, but they find it awesome so they decide to 'be one'. I'm not targeting anyone, just saying that some kids really do it for that)

 

I'd hate to be like them. The whole thing troubles me so much. I don't want to claim anything when I am not 100% sure.

 

Somehow I just wish I never had that. 

I wish I was just 'normal', that I was born male or that I never had a problem with feminity.

I wish this whole dysphoria thing could just disappear.

 

So yeah, a real mess. I don't know what exactly to think.

I thought, maybe I have hormonal problems that make me feel like this, and I'm not really trans?

What do you think? What can I do?

 

Thank you for reading, and sorry I'm just quite a mess right now. I may have unintentionally said something wrong, if I did please just point it out nicely, it was not my intention.

 

(P.s.: I live in France)

[Kalyan]

Wow, reading my post again, I think I was a bit too emotional. Ignore all that pessimism please.

[Jani]

No need to apologize Kalyan.  This can be a stressful time when you are questioning your gender.  I don't know if you can access a therapist to talk things over but it would be helpful.  You do have a few years before leaving secondary school and maybe you will go on to college. Due to your parents phobia you might hold out until you leave home for college or a job.  I understand that might seem like a tough thing to do but look at this as a long term plan.  Many of us, myself included waited many years before beginning transition.   It's important to remain in a home where you are safe rather than anger your parents and risk other issues.  Obtaining your education is important as it is the key to future success.  Hang in there.

 

Jani  

[Kalyan]

Just now, Jani said:

No need to apologize Kalyan.  This can be a stressful time when you are questioning your gender.  I don't know if you can access a therapist to talk things over but it would be helpful.  You do have a few years before leaving secondary school and maybe you will go on to college. Due to your parents phobia you might hold out until you leave home for college or a job.  I understand that might seem like a tough thing to do but look at this as a long term plan.  Many of us, myself included waited many years before beginning transition.   It's important to remain in a home where you are safe rather than anger your parents and risk other issues.  Obtaining your education is important as it is the key to future success.  Hang in there.

 

Jani  

Hi Jani, thanks for answering

 I can't access a therapist, because I live in a small place in France, can't find any.

I'm gonna wait a bit to move to a bigger place where I can find help

Thank you again for your support, it helps 

 

[Jani]

That's good.  Sometime the best answer is to buckle down and get into a holding pattern until your situation gets better.  We're here too.

 

Jani