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Questioning my gender


Avra

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I've on here for a few days so I figured it's time for an introduction. My name is Avra and I was born a boy. For the vast majority of my life I more or less functioned as a boy although I struggled a lot with depression (and still do). In the past few years I've started to realize that some things are not adding up. Although I don't remember exactly when I started questioning my gender, I do remember the first time I got the chance to wear a dress in secret at age 12. I was obsessed with girly clothing and pretty, long hair but since the only girl in my family was my baby sister, I had very few opportunities to do anything. I would take rare opportunities at other people's house but they were rare indeed. I was always very quiet and reserved and never quite fit in with my male peers at any of the many schools I went to. At one of the schools I ended up on the girls hockey team which seemed a lot less weird to me than it does now, but despite being a biological boy it actually was an enjoyable experience when compared with playing with the boys. I remember on some occasions making makeshift wigs because I really wanted long hair, but did not want anyone to know about my obsession.

 

Fast forward to today and I live on my own. I crossdress basically every day that I'm at home alone. I bought my first dress a couple years ago and bought many more since. I even bought a cute wig but eventually broke down and decided to grow my hair out. I find myself attracted to girls, but in a way where I imagine being them instead of being with them. However the attraction that cis males have to girls such as breasts, etc,  totally gross me out. I have zero attraction to guys either. When I am around my close friends and family I prefer to be around the females in my circle rather than the males. I have an overwhelming desire to be pretty and I hate how I look. When I see a pretty girl irl or in pictures, 2 thoughts go through my head: "Damn she's pretty" and "Damn I wish I looked just like her". This is the conundrum I face. On the other hand I know the stories of other trans girls who say they knew right away they wanted to be a girl, but my feelings seemed to not surface until much later. Sometimes I wonder if trauma in my life caused me to feel this way, or if the way I was raised simply suppressed what I already knew. Whatever it is, here I am looking for answers. Ultimately, I just want to be happy. ?

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  • Forum Moderator

Hello Avra and welcome.  If you've done much reading here, and I'm sure you have, you see that you are very similar to many of us here.  You are not alone.   As to when you are awakened to the feelings your gender isn't right, we all arrive at the tipping point in our own time and manner.  There is no script that prescribes a specific path.  Despite being well read on the subject of gender I didn't put it all together until later in life.  Sometimes we don't see what is in front of us.  That's OK.  

 

Depression may caused by many things in our lives, but for those with gender dysphoria it appears to be able to lifted once we face our truth and take action, what ever it may be.  Speaking with a gender counselor does sound scary but it really is the key to recognizing ourselves.  I was terrified but elated once I started and my secret was no longer a secret.  

2 minutes ago, Avra said:

Ultimately, I just want to be happy. ?

This is all anyone of us wants.  

 

Please join in the conversation.   We'd love to hear more from you.

 

Jani

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Thanks Jani for those kind words. I'm in the process of reaching out to a counselor. Although I've had therapy before I never have talked about this to anyone. Sometimes the thought of getting answers and of realizing your own reality is the scariest thing in the world. I'm just staring with laser eyes at the Send button as if it's going to press itself, haha.

 

Quote

Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end.

I love that quote on your signature.

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  • Forum Moderator

Good.  I'm happy for you and know it will be the right choice when you do connect with a counselor.  Remember that many of the things in life we are afraid of are that way because we don't understand them.  Knowledge is power. 

 

Re: the quote, I've found it to be true so many times. 

 

Jani

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Avra.

 Accepting ourselves for who and what we are is difficult at best.  Speaking to a counselor can help.  Somehow simply being honest about how we feel with anyone can open doors.  I found that sharing here helped me as well and continues to open up doors that have long since been closed.

It is somehow good to know that i'm not alone after years of thinking i was a freak and somehow unique.  Society may disagree  but i'm finding peace within myself.  Hope you do as well regardless of your path.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Thanks @Charlize! Yeah, being able to open up about myself here and on the server, has been very cathartic for me. I was pretty anxious about joining but people seem really nice and understanding. I don't feel so alone anymore. ?

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  • Forum Moderator
2 hours ago, Avra said:

I was pretty anxious about joining but people seem really nice and understanding. I don't feel so alone anymore.

I'm glad you did join us!   Even though we are an online community we are all real people on a common journey.  Care and understanding is what its all about.  

 

Cheers, Jani

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Hi Avra,

Welcome  TransPulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

It's scary at first, but we're a friendly bunch here! You're not alone with this any more!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

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  • Root Admin

Hello Avra,

Welcome to TransPulse. :)

 

MaryEllen

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  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Avra, and thank for that detailed introduction.  I hope that this site provides the support and information that you need.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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