I am a mess

[Evans]

Hey. My name's Evan and I'm a soon to be 20 year old genderfluid (afab), but the older I get the more I seem to doubt the labels I have given myself.
I'm aware that only I can know for sure what I am and that relying on labels isn't always necessary, but they personally make me feel more comfortable. ☺️
I apologize for the length of this post, I just have so much in my mind and you are free to ignore parts of it if you want to!

I've been identifying as multiple androgynous identities during the years but I always round up back to the questions; should I transition, am I a boy, is this just another masculine phase or am I just running from my true identity with these gender non-conforming labels?
I've always liked boy stuff, most my friends have always been guys and I've truly felt like they thought of me as "one of the guys", which always made me happy. I remember in 7th grade, I was wearing my hood up and one of my classmates bumped into me from behind and said "sorry dude" but when I turned towards him he said "Oh it's you! I thought you were some guy for a second." and the thought of those words still make me feel elevated and good. All my clothes are from the men's section (besides my underwear, though I wish to switch to boxers once I move out on my own). About a week ago I cut my hair short, but still I feel like I need it shorter and more "boy like". Sometimes it just feels like no matter how much I look like a guy it'd never be "enough" if that makes any sense, like I could always look  just a little more male.

I have always had body dysphoria because of my weight (always been a chubby one) and when I was younger (14-15) I had really bad anxiety about my chest being ""too small"" for a girl (I was being picked on for not being very girly so I went from my bubbly tomboy self to a sad overly feminine dummy who avoided most masculine things), but I never picked up gender dysphoria before I was 16 (at least I think so). I'm usually doing okay unless I happen to look into a reflective surface when I'm out presenting myself as someone who looks male and then just have tits sticking out of my body, breaking the facade, or when I accidentally touch my chest. There has been times when I've been actually a little shocked, 'cause I was expecting my chest to be flat only to find out it's not. I'm thinking I'll try binding in the future and see how I like it.
I'm not sure how I feel about penises, they sort of make me extremely uncomfortable but sometimes I do feel like I'd enjoy having one. Other times thinking about it is just,,, really weird? I've tried using a socks to test out how it would feel to pack and I honestly can't say I didn't enjoy it to some degree, but I'd imagine using an actual packer would offer a much different experience.

Another thing that bothers me is my birth name. I've gone by 'Evan' for a while now with a couple of my closest friends but for the majority I'm still closeted, so naturally my birth name is used daily. However hearing it doesn't bother me that much?? It's seeing it written down that's the absolute worst and feels like I've just been punched in the face. Texts are especially bad, since I know it's referring directly to me. Legal documents are bearable for me tho for some reason. Is this normal for other non-cis people?

I dislike being called she/her. I don't like it when people refer to me as a lady or a daughter. My family has taken a liking to make comments how much of a woman I look like now and how my short hair makes me pretty. It's very alienating and awkward for me. Idk if I'd enjoy he/him much better, but I'd most certainly rather be called a son than a daughter.
Still, ifanyone questions me about my appearance and/or gender it makes me very anxious/nauseous and I get defensive and deny all of the accusations. Maybe I'm just not ready to be myself in front of others yet or I just haven't accepted myself fully. I'm not sure.

My relationships with men are also sort of weird. I envy people who identify as male, especially gay men... I think it might be because they get to date boys while still being boys I suppose. I'm bi-sexual and a few months back I developed a crush on one of my guy friends and he treated me very much like a girl (I wasn't out to him) and even though I liked him the situation was a bit uncomfortable for me, especially after he kissed me because it made me feel like "an adorbs smol gf whom he has to protect uwu uwu uwu " and I felt so disgusted by that I literally have not talked to him since. I know it's not right and not his fault and it's so saddening since he was one of my only two irl friends and we had known each other for a long time. I wish to reconnect with him sometime but for now I can't even think about him without feeling almost humiliated, sadly.

Despite all of these things though, I do still like feminine things and I do think if I was more confident I could wear a dress/skirt once every blue moon, which makes everything ever so slightly more confusing for me. I have no idea if my masculinity and need to be less like a girl is only my gender sliding on the spectrum or me desperately trying to ignore parts of my identity. Sometimes I hate my body and gender, sometimes I just don't think about it, all I know is that most of the time I don't feel like a woman at all.

I know I must've missed something, but I believe this post is long enough already. Thank you for reading and any thoughts would be appreciated. I hope you are safe and have a lovely day/evening! ?

[Avra]

These things are hard. Sometimes I wish it was just more cut and dry. Sorry I can't be of much help since I am going through the same struggles as a biological boy. I like some boy things but also some girl things. I've been called so many names for not wanting to do "guy stuff", but it just doesn't interest me. I've always been more gentle and tender-hearted and not so macho.

 

All I can say is, be honest with yourself and be yourself no matter what people say. Finding a good therapist trained to help with these specific issues might be beneficial for you.

 

Hugs,

Avra

[Jani]

Hello Evan and welcome to the forum.  Your post isn't too long as its enough to tell us your story.  You have a lot of questions to be addressed which I'm sure you will.  Being honest with ourselves is an important step in our own growth.  Being gender fluid, going androgynous in presentation would be a good start.  You can mix and match items as they suit you for the day!   You can certainly go with a shorter hair style as its not unheard of.  

 

You have to decide how your family would react to news if you told them you were gender fluid.  Make sure you have some examples to offer so they can grasp what you are saying.  It can be a difficult concept for cis people to understand at times.

 

Keep thinking and writing.  We're here to read and offer support.

 

Jani