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Those Nice Days...


Guest Jeannine Bean

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Guest Jeannine Bean

Well I had a nice weekend. I've been really working hard to discover what makes me feel comfortable, and happy. And my partner has been incredibly supportive through these last couple of months (since I gave up on changing what's inside my head, after so many years of trying to be happy in the body I was born in). This weekend I had some wonderful times where I just felt like a normal girl... actually, I'd venture to say I just felt like a regular person. I had enough of an externalization of my sense of identity, and a nice feeling of acceptance and support from someone else, that while I was at home it just faded into the background. If it came up, it seemed comfortable and natural to just do what I do... Used to be I only felt that way by myself, not interacting with the world. I even felt like we both felt and experienced my womanhood during our lovemaking... and I was then able to let that be taken for granted and just enjoy our time (something I've rarely ever been able to do). The ladies where I live are all hanging out with me and being pretty nice... the west coasters have pretty much accepted me. The midwesterners want to butt heads about my name and other senseless stuff :-)

I even woke up from a nap I was taking, working to regain some strength (I'm passing kidney stones right now)... and I lay there feeling content and nice.. the thought crossed my mind, and I just felt a palpable sense of being who I am... and moving towards what I want to be. And again, because enough seems to be taken care of that I feel connected to the world in all the ways that being a woman seems to touch.. it just faded into the background and I was able to do other stuff, knowing that soon everything else will be taken care of. Sure I'm still looking forward to restorative surgeries (truthfully, the more content I feel, the more GRS feels like a certainty in my future, as opposed to being so ambivalent about it... it almost just seems like it would be "vaginal restoration" surgery--somehow I felt more accepting of the risks too)... but anyways, I'm living life now and this weekend it felt quite nice.

Something as complex as "state," encompassing feelings and moods, surely differs for everybody... but so what? I have been around enough people to suspect that any two women or any two men are likely to differ drastically in their sense of what that means. So it just means what it means to me, and like all feelings, it's essentially indescribable.

And I'm very happy about it.

--Jeannine

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Guest Elizabeth K

You are in an excellant place!

I fight identity sometimes in the strangest way. My body lagged behind my mind for years it seems. Then on HRT it switched, and suddently I was racing to have my mind catch up with my body - crazy thing. And then I went to electrolysis and had my eyebrows permanently sculpted - an instantly , my face feminized to the point I can finally see 'me' looking back. So now I am in this middle world - and I told my daughter today I was getting ready to jump off the cliff and see if I can truly fly. I mean become an intigrated woman - full time with voice, body language and expression... ALL. No more shifting between presentations, the world will just have to see me as I really am. Scares me - but it is time.

My daughter is an adult by the way - fully supportive. Imagine telling your daughter you are now a fully functioning woman (well close as I can get until SRS). She smiled.

So the father (me) was let go to pursue her (my) dream...

You seem to be in a place I know - and visit often. But Jeannine Bean - I am gonna move there - and leave no forwarding address, so please move over a bit, 'cause here I come. And my S.O.? Well... so far so good... two women together.

Pensive thoughts. ahhhhhhhhhhh...

Lizzy

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Guest Jeannine Bean
So now I am in this middle world - and I told my daughter today I was getting ready to jump off the cliff and see if I can truly fly. I mean become an intigrated woman - full time with voice, body language and expression... ALL. No more shifting between presentations, the world will just have to see me as I really am. Scares me - but it is time.

[...]

You seem to be in a place I know - and visit often. But Jeannine Bean - I am gonna move there - and leave no forwarding address, so please move over a bit, 'cause here I come. And my S.O.? Well... so far so good... two women together.

I had a long talk with a close friend not too long ago. I realized that when I am alone, and quiet, I have always felt this way. If I lay in the forest, or walk beneath the stars, or when I would climb around Stone Mountain in the moonlight, or run around the forest behind my grandfather's farm. Do we ever need to think about sexual identity in those circumstances? If I did, I sometimes told the birds and the trees and the grass that I was a girl, and I always figured they were okay with that.

Yet I have come to realize that interacting with people is important too. And also, not having to "ignore" so many things, or push them away, even when interacting with myself. ...I think being authentic is vital to being happy. And authenticity has to be brought out into the light, shown to others, shown to one's self. I tried to accept being authentic as a man and discovered, reified, distilled and concentrated the truth that me being authentic means me being a woman.

So yea, I feel ya. Welcome to stay in the place of being yourself as much and as long as you want. I think your doing it all the time makes it a brighter world for everyone, trans or no! Everyone wants to just be themselves. We all want to be known by our friends as we know ourselves, and be loved for who we actually are, right?

--Jeannine

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Guest Elizabeth K

ON TARGET

Yes, I agree - the world rarely challanges us about our body gender. My cat doesn't care as long as the Friskies keep appearing in his bowl! Sometimes I just wonder what all the fuss is about. Wouldn't it be grand to feel good in your ownskin? Well I am.. I am doing that. It is a wonder because I never knew it was possible, but it is...

Yes - interaction is needed, but I would like it on my terms as much as possible, Therin lies the way to contentment. But contentment is there all the time , we just need to fully try to experience it - the awareness of ourselves in the moment. To miss 'now' with plans for the future, or regrets of the past, is to waste our lives. Tomorrow has gone to never return, and tomorrow really never gets here.

Well enough of that..

Thank you for the boost. I need to feel that power of contentment more... and you reminded me.

Lizzy

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I have a few times that I feel that contentment - not very many as I am in male mode so much of the time, hustling up money.

I will in the future have to give up on any of the male pursuits because I know that the HRT is going to really work well on me - it is going to and i will be forced to confront all of my fears sooner than later.

I am so tired of hiding who I am so that I can make another buck - I would love to just say, "Keep it all!" and hop on a bus to Donna Jean's place and just sleep on the floor in her new room - dirt poor and homeless, but finally Sally - not a bad trade.

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest Jeannine Bean
Yes - interaction is needed, but I would like it on my terms as much as possible, Therin lies the way to contentment. But contentment is there all the time , we just need to fully try to experience it - the awareness of ourselves in the moment. To miss 'now' with plans for the future, or regrets of the past, is to waste our lives. Tomorrow has gone to never return, and tomorrow really never gets here.

I have some friends here who are really not nice to me. Well, the husband is such a shouvenist, but at least he's basically decent. He politely asked if he could just call me "J" since "the cognitive dissonance is blowing his mind." The wife is really being firm about it, and in my small Asian town they're some of the only people I can speak with. She just outright refuses. So I believe will outright refuse to reply to anything she says.. But in the end it's kind of funny. I mean REALLY, like you said, what's the big deal? I mean, drawing hard lines in the sand about someone else's name?! I don't even tell anybody I meet now my old name, so if she'd met me only slightly later she wouldn't have anything else to call me.

But here's why I brought all that up. I feel very strongly that, as adults, we all have the right to draw whatever boundaries we want to make. You said you want to have your interactions on your own terms as much as possible. I think that we get to state our piece, and we get to make requests of others and then we get to decide if we want to hang out with those people or not. I mean, as long as no one physically assaults anyone or does anything like stealing or other violations, we all get to say what we want to people and choose to be friends or not. The person whom I thought was my friend gets to draw her battle lines, and I get to think she's no fun and stop hanging out with her because she has made it clear she doesn't believe that transgendered people are legit as their chosen gender (she boils the discussion down to biology, though I've pointed out a number of exceptions, she doesn't care on religious grounds). I learned something about her and she learned something about me...

Meanwhile, I notice that young hip people are happy to be my friend and most people over the age of 35 have too much life experience to care so much what I say or do. One important decision I made a couple of months ago was that as long as I didn't suffer violence, or lose my job or employment since $$$ is my lifeline, I was willing to put up with any amount of nonsense from people. I still accept that: those are my terms.

--Jeannine

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