Should I come out?

[Cmattison]

I'm afab, and bigender. Half the time I love my body (minus the extra weight), and the other half I completely hate it and am very discomforted by it. 

When I am female, I love doing my hair, makeup and wearing dresses. I love my pronouns and name.

When I am Male I hate my body and face. Feel very detached from it. Pronouns dont bother me much on the outside, though on Male days I love when my husband uses my Male name and pronouns. But it doesnt bother me much when out.

I'm exploring my identity and now that I've accepted my Male self, I feel happy. 

My issue is that I dont know if I should come out. I'm an adult with my own family. My husbands family are very catholic and not understanding whatsoever to the lgbt community. My family is very conservative religious people. Again, not convenient for a gender non conforming person. Additionally, I have kids that I dont want to confuse or scare. I dont want them bullied for me being who I am.

For now I am good being my Male self inside my home mostly when the kids are asleep or not home. I do wear my husbands clothes and this doesnt bother them. I have bonded my chest and recently packed in front of them, but they didnt seem to notice. Currently, I am not comfortable wearing my beard and using my Male name and pronouns around my kids family or friends. But the urge to go out in public as my Male self is strong. 

Should I just come out and deal with all the hate, questions, confusion and problems? Should I just be my Male self at home? Should I try going somewhere away from home to be Male in public? What was it like your first time going out???

Also, if I choose not to come out but cut my hair short, will this out me regardless??? Should i cut my hair? Should I start by slowly wearing more mens clothes until I'm comfortable wearing them out and people dont even notice???

[Adaline]

I’m still part-time but love every opportunity to be in public. I started in the winter when I could wear a coat an it gets darker quicker.  Nature has not played fare with me, I’m MTF and have a hard time passing but if I was careful about my interaction with others I was just another woman in the crowd.  Since then I have joined a transgender support group which gives me an opportunity to have a girls night out a few times a month.  Being with friends and having the safety of others around me is liberating.  Coming out is very scary, trust me, I did it once before and it went horribly wrong.  Living a life you where you can’t be yourself is also a scary prospect.  Trust me, I tried that and it also went horribly wrong.  Taking it in steps with the help of my therapist and the support of friends has been working.  This time I hope to get it right.

 

hugs and best of luck to you.

[Cmattison]

Just now, Adaline said:

I’m still part-time but love every opportunity to be in public. I started in the winter when I could wear a coat an it gets darker quicker.  Nature has not played fare with me, I’m MTF and have a hard time passing but if I was careful about my interaction with others I was just another woman in the crowd.  Since then I have joined a transgender support group which gives me an opportunity to have a girls night out a few times a month.  Being with friends and having the safety of others around me is liberating.  Coming out is very scary, trust me, I did it once before and it went horribly wrong.  Living a life you where you can’t be yourself is also a scary prospect.  Trust me, I tried that and it also went horribly wrong.  Taking it in steps with the help of my therapist and the support of friends has been working.  This time I hope to get it right.

 

hugs and best of luck to you.

Thank you!!! I dont know if I pass. My husband says I do. I know even if I do, the second words come out of my mouth I'll be outed. 

 

We dont have any trans support groups near and I'm not even 100% sure I'd feel comfortable yet. 

 

I appreciate the kind words and support and good luck to you.

[Kirsten]

Simple answer..... YES

For these reasons. You’ll feel a weight lifted from your conscience. It’s an amazing weight too. You’ll have more confidence in yourself. You’ll love and care for those around you more. It simply frees up all of that effort you put into being secretive. It’s such a heavy burden that you don’t need to hold. 

If you’re worried start small. Go with androgynous looks. Baggier clothes. Plain looking colors or prints. For your hair plan a couple cuts. Start out with a look 1/2 as long as you have now. Then go shorter later. When you’re ready. 

Dont let fear make you loose out on being yourself. And don’t worry about your kids if they’re young. Kids are so very understanding. They probably will not care at all. They love you no matter what you wear. And that won’t change. Older kids can be harder from stories I’ve seen. But who knows until you try. 

Kirsten 

[Lexi]

There are numerous resources to helping parents come out. The one I found most helpful is here:

http://www.transgenderparentsdoc.com

 

There are always positives and negatives in every situation. You have to weigh out yours and decide if now is the time. Each situation is unique so what worked for me may not work as well for you but I'll give you some insight... 

 

My wife and I always taught our children to be open minded and never judge a book etc so when I came out to my children it wasn't completely foreign. Remind them constantly its okay to ask any questions and be truthful to how they feel in that moment. (it can fluctuate often for them) 

 

I found after coming out my children adapted quickly to the change and since I'm more comfortable with myself, they are too! I am able to enjoy time with them more as I'm not preoccupied with fitting into my assigned gender and a happier me! Kids sponge emotions so the happier you are the happier they are ^^

 

Good luck to you Cmadisson! I hope everything works out for you and yours! Xoxo

[VickySGV]

There is very little that all by itself will "out" you just by changing some parts of how you look. People will see the change, but it is change just because people react to change and not a Transgender give away.  Trying a shorter hair style that is uni-gender, along with some playful cross dressing in a safe environment may be all you need any way.  KIDS WILL NOT NOT NOT BE CONFUSED by your doing that as long as they have your happy attention and presence in their lives.  To them you will still, and just, be YOU.  All you owe the adults is "I want a new style and look.  I think I will look great!"  

 

Do not be as worried about your voice as you seem to be.  I am in a Trans music group where the "guys with beards" are singing the Alto and First Tenor parts and are rocking it.  It is the "male dialect" rather than the voice pitch that plays a greater part.

[Cmattison]

Just now, VickySGV said:

There is very little that all by itself will "out" you just by changing some parts of how you look. People will see the change, but it is change just because people react to change and not a Transgender give away.  Trying a shorter hair style that is uni-gender, along with some playful cross dressing in a safe environment may be all you need any way.  KIDS WILL NOT NOT NOT BE CONFUSED by your doing that as long as they have your happy attention and presence in their lives.  To them you will still, and just, be YOU.  All you owe the adults is "I want a new style and look.  I think I will look great!"  

 

Do not be as worried about your voice as you seem to be.  I am in a Trans music group where the "guys with beards" are singing the Alto and First Tenor parts and are rocking it.  It is the "male dialect" rather than the voice pitch that plays a greater part.

Thank you. I guess in a way my kids arent confused. I have a crossdressing 12 year old nephew and my kids question why he wears earrings, makeup and skirts. I teach my kids that everyone is different and can wear what they feel comfortable in. Half of this side of the family accepts him the way he is, the other half talks badly about him and does it in front of my children. I dont qant my kids to grow up with hate filled minds. I want them accepting of everyone. When I wear my Male clothes in front of them, they havent questioned. Though they may if I try out a beard in front of them. 

 

I suppose you are correct about my voice. I guess I just want to wholly pass as both at different times. 

 

I really dont know that anyone would question my choice of clothing if I only do it occasionally. And for now, I'm completely okay with everyone using my female name and pronouns. It only bothers me at home. Except for with my kids. I am mommy. I dont want to be anything but mommy. 

 

I guess I could just socially transition my appearance sans beard. Though I much prefer my beard when I'm a guy. 

 

When my kids go back to school I think I'll be going to the store to buy my clothes and hopefully, in a few months, I can go somewhere fully as my Male self and pass. I look forward to the day I can do this.

[Cmattison]

Just now, Kirsten said:

Simple answer..... YES

For these reasons. You’ll feel a weight lifted from your conscience. It’s an amazing weight too. You’ll have more confidence in yourself. You’ll love and care for those around you more. It simply frees up all of that effort you put into being secretive. It’s such a heavy burden that you don’t need to hold. 

If you’re worried start small. Go with androgynous looks. Baggier clothes. Plain looking colors or prints. For your hair plan a couple cuts. Start out with a look 1/2 as long as you have now. Then go shorter later. When you’re ready. 

Dont let fear make you loose out on being yourself. And don’t worry about your kids if they’re young. Kids are so very understanding. They probably will not care at all. They love you no matter what you wear. And that won’t change. Older kids can be harder from stories I’ve seen. But who knows until you try. 

Kirsten 

The thing is, for now I dont feel a weight necessarily. I feel okay being closeted but that could be because I havent come out. I did tell one friend over messenger and he was completely amazing. I sent him a pic of myself in full guy mode (wearing my husbands clothing) and he told me I'm completely passable as a guy. I'm just afraid people will tell me this to Male me feel better when in reality I dont pass at all.

[Kirsten]

You don’t have to pass. You only have to be comfortable with yourself. Look act and be however you feel best. It’s your right as a human being. Even if you only go part way or part time it’s all your choice. There are no actual rules about what we have to do when it comes to any of this stuff. Just be you and be happy. 

[Cmattison]

Thank you Kirsten!!! You've been extremely helpful. My feelings go back and forth. I feel like I have to  one out, then I really dont care if i do or not. Then think nope. I dont need to. But I guess for me depending on the day depends on how  comfortable I am. Sometimes i want people to see me as a man, and others I am terrified that they wont see me as a woman when I am if I come out. 

 

Most of the time I am comfortable being me however that may be, but I would love to just come out of my house full guy mode, beard and all and not get questioned. I wish it was that simple. I wish I could just be me and not have to worry about coming out.

[Kirsten]

You will. When you’re ready. I used to feel the same way. It all works out eventually. 

And remeber no matter what facial hair or clothes you have on they will all see YOU! Not man or woman. Just you. 

[Cmattison]

1 hour ago, Kirsten said:

You will. When you’re ready. I used to feel the same way. It all works out eventually. 

And remeber no matter what facial hair or clothes you have on they will all see YOU! Not man or woman. Just you. 

Can I ask you what changed your mind? How did you know you were truly ready?

[Kirsten]

There wasn’t really anything in particular that made me realize honestly. Similarly to you I was dressing at home mostly in my wife’s clothes. Mostly when the kids were at sleepovers. Or on a rare occasion we would go on an overnight stay at a hotel. But never more than in the car as far as out. And this was enough to appease me for a long time. 

But I got tired of pretending.  I was pretending to be a boy in my real life. And every chance I got I was pretending to be a girl hiding in my house. It was eating away at me. So I went online. I saw a lot of stories of people just like me. And it seemed like hrt really helped the mental aspect. So I found some birth control (THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!) and started taking it. Within 3 months I just knew. My skin was softer. My demeanor was more relaxed. I had even stopped dressing up. I knew I just wanted to be myself. Not fake. No secrets. That’s when I ended up here. And with the help of these wonderful people I took the next step and saw my doctor and my journey began. 

That was the first day of my life. Everything before that was not me. It was what everyone else wanted. What I though was required. I have learned that’s a load of crap to be blunt. What really matters is being happy. When you’re happy with yourself you have so much more to offer the world. I know it sound cliche and all but it’s true. Be yourself and it all works out. 

[Cmattison]

Just now, Kirsten said:

There wasn’t really anything in particular that made me realize honestly. Similarly to you I was dressing at home mostly in my wife’s clothes. Mostly when the kids were at sleepovers. Or on a rare occasion we would go on an overnight stay at a hotel. But never more than in the car as far as out. And this was enough to appease me for a long time. 

But I got tired of pretending.  I was pretending to be a boy in my real life. And every chance I got I was pretending to be a girl hiding in my house. It was eating away at me. So I went online. I saw a lot of stories of people just like me. And it seemed like hrt really helped the mental aspect. So I found some birth control (THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!) and started taking it. Within 3 months I just knew. My skin was softer. My demeanor was more relaxed. I had even stopped dressing up. I knew I just wanted to be myself. Not fake. No secrets. That’s when I ended up here. And with the help of these wonderful people I took the next step and saw my doctor and my journey began. 

That was the first day of my life. Everything before that was not me. It was what everyone else wanted. What I though was required. I have learned that’s a load of crap to be blunt. What really matters is being happy. When you’re happy with yourself you have so much more to offer the world. I know it sound cliche and all but it’s true. Be yourself and it all works out. 

Thank you for sharing your story. I think my problem is that my genders switch. Sometimes I'm female and sometimes I'm Male. Mostly I'm not afraid to leave the house dressed in Male clothing. I've just always done it. My biggest change would be telling people to call me Male pronouns and a Male name, and of course the beard and packer. But truthfully, for now I think I'm okay with just being who I am when I can be. 

 

I really appreciate your help.

[Kirsten]

Someone once told me that you should do as little as you can to make yourself happy when it comes to transitioning. Maybe you simply need to switch as you are now. At least for now. But don’t be scared to share that with the world. Maybe that’s all you’ll need.  

ps I can’t recall if you ever said or not, but what is your name? 

[Cmattison]

36 minutes ago, Kirsten said:

Someone once told me that you should do as little as you can to make yourself happy when it comes to transitioning. Maybe you simply need to switch as you are now. At least for now. But don’t be scared to share that with the world. Maybe that’s all you’ll need.  

ps I can’t recall if you ever said or not, but what is your name? 

My name is Courtney....or Chris ?

[Kirsten]

Well it’s nice to meet you Chris! 

[Cmattison]

You too Kirsten! I really cant thank you enough for your comments. It's nice having someone to talk with about things.