How do I come out when I’m so scared?

[Jani]

I'm happy for you that your Mum was so accepting.  I hope the experience with your Dad goes equally well.

 

Jani

[Isabelle]

Thank you ?, it’s such a weight of my shoulders that my mum now knows. I’m terrified to tell my dad to be honest he is extremely conservative and has very old fashioned opinions regularly expressing his distaste for people like me. It hurts when he makes them comments even though they aren’t directed at me because he’s unaware. With my Mum, I just came right out and told her the truth but I’m not sure that’s the right approach to take with my dad. I’m going to take my time and just enjoy being able to dress as myself around my Mum but in the near future I do want to come out fully. Does anybody have any advice on how to come out to people who they know will be unaccepting?

 

thanks,

 

Isabelle ?

[Jani]

As to people that you assume will not be open to your news I suggest keeping an open mind.  I have read so many stories that turned out totally opposite of the expected.   But, plan for the worse.  If confronted with unkind words about "people like you" come back with the statement "this is about one person, me."  Ask him if he loves you and say (assuming yes) that you are the same person he loves.  Ask for respect.  Many people can and do respect others they don't care for or like.   I certainly hope it goes well for you when you do approach him with the news.  

 

All my best, 

Jani 

[Isabelle]

Just need a place to vent today, I feel like I’ve been doing so well with starting my transition but today dysphoria seems to have hit me harder than ever before. I’ll never be the woman I feel on the inside. I hate these irrational thoughts that run through my head constantly. Today was quite a masculine sports day in my household and with my dad talking to me I just realised what a dissapointment I’m going to be when I finally admit the truth to him. I’ve got a day to myself tomorrow so I may dress up and just express myself hopefully that will help

 

sorry for venting when I know others have it far worse,

 

Isabelle ?

[Jani]

Isabelle, why do you say thins? 

3 minutes ago, Isabelle said:

I’ll never be the woman I feel on the inside.

You feel like a woman on the inside and that is enough.   Not all women are "girly".  Some are masculine in their hobbies and the like.  I still play with my cars!   I may have to re-prove I'm not dumb and I actually know what I'm doing but that's all right.  As a further example, my best friend's wife loves American Football, way more than he does.  He watches just because of her.  My wife loves sports too.  I could care less.  Be you, it's OK! 

 

Unfortunately dad's seem to take this type of news with difficulty which goes back (IMO) to masculinity being looked at as a superior sex.  Not!   In the end, you cannot control others thoughts or actions.  You can hopefully effect how they react to you by showing you are comfortable in your self being.  Respect?  Yes, ask.  Say, "you may not understand right now but I want your acceptance and respect for being the person I have always been and am still today.   You don't have to understand to be understanding."

 

Don't apologize for speaking your mind.  That's why we're here.  We've all done it. 

 

Peace, Jani

[KymmieL]

Like others have said, I too wish I could go back to 21 and start over. A lot I would change. I am 53 and recently came out to my counselor. Like you I am scared out of my mind to come out to my family. My wife of almost 33 years seems like your father. She is derogatory towards what I am. I am hopping a second counselor can help with that. Keep plugging along.

Since your Mom knows, Talk to her about coming out to your father. She knows him best and may be able to help.

 

Kymmie

[Isabelle]

Thank you for all your advice everybody! I took some time away from all things media for a little while to really try and understand how I am feeling. I have now come out to everybody and my dad hasn’t taken it well but that’s something I had already accepted going in. I’m not going to hide who I am to please others any longer than I already have. Whilst I won’t name them my girl friends deserve such amazing credit for getting me where I am - after they heard about what had happened with my dad they turned up at my house the following day to inform me we were going shopping now that I was out! I was absolutely freaking out but what a feeling it was to be able to buy dresses and tops that I have been desperate to own for such a long time! 

 

Anyway thats my update and thank you for being there to give uplifting advice. I can finally say my life is taking positive steps forwards and that’s something I feared would never happen. 

 

Isabelle ?

[RithiaAllen]

On 9/23/2018 at 6:45 PM, Isabelle said:

Just need a place to vent today, I feel like I’ve been doing so well with starting my transition but today dysphoria seems to have hit me harder than ever before. I’ll never be the woman I feel on the inside. I hate these irrational thoughts that run through my head constantly. Today was quite a masculine sports day in my household and with my dad talking to me I just realised what a dissapointment I’m going to be when I finally admit the truth to him. I’ve got a day to myself tomorrow so I may dress up and just express myself hopefully that will help

 

sorry for venting when I know others have it far worse,

 

Isabelle ?

You cannot think like that. 

 

You have ave to live your life true to yourself or one day you will wake up and realize you have squandered a large portion of it.

 

 I’m glad that you are concerned about your parents and I hope they end up supportive but right now you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

 

Besides it is perfectly fine for you, a female, to be into sports. If you enjoy them you can still talk to your dad about them.

[Willow]

Isabelle and Kymmie,

 

My wife of over 46 years is also extremely conservative, and lead a pretty sheltered life.  She is having a difficult time since I told her about my femininity and dysphoria.  

 

Right now I do my best to not make light of my situation to her and she is trying to work out how she feels.  We both love each other and will do just about anything for each other.  I had some inclination that I was not all man for years but kept it to myself until this year.  So we are going through the you deceived me/I was embarrassed to tell you part now.

 

Isabelle, I'd say since you told your mom, you should talk to her about when you talk to your dad.  Yes, it will be a hard conversation to have but if he loves you I believe he will still love you after you tell him.  But you have to give him a chance.  Don't expect it to be a hey dad, I need to tell you I have gender dysphoria and want to be a girl, then expect him to not react.

 

I presume you have a therapist and have been discussing this with them.  If not, that should be your next step before talking to your dad.  Kymmie, same for you.  Don't just go to your wife and blurt it all out and expect everything to be fine.  This is something you have to give those you love time to figure it out and accept what you are telling them.  

 

It could go just fine.  That's be ideal situation.  I didn't exactly blurt it out but I didn't ease into it either.  I wish i had it to do over, I would have tried to tell my wife another way.  But I did try to explain and she wasn't following me until I did just dump it all out there.  

 

So, get some help on how to approach your dad from your mom and therapist.  I think you should be prepared for him to be less than understanding initially.  But you need to be able to explain to him how this isn't a phase, it isn't something you chose for yourself.  It's not the easy road to life but it's the path you have to follow.

 

I'm sure it will work out in the end.

 

Willow

[MelissaAndProudOfIt]

Hi Isobel, in your heart you feel much more a woman than your  masculine side.  This is you and in all aspects femme life feels its for you.  Well sounds to me you have finally discovered who you truelly are.   I know how families can be sometimes, this has taken over 20 years for you to get to grips, time and adjustment is secret here and they are going to have some adjusting and coming to terms with your true side.  You cannot lie cannot live a lie to yourself and not to your familiy either.  That said you feel guilty to have not told them earlier but you feared rejection if you did.  If your familiy loves you then unconditional love should be how it is....they need to know, they need time to adjust. As did you...they, its a blunt fact but this is who you are and it's something that you have to accept.  You cannot get them to accept you, nut accept

[MelissaAndProudOfIt]

Some of this message was lost as on mobile and signal was lost..  Basically the missing bit said regardless of if they accept Isobelle or not you should not let your love for your family falter.  If you can see through their differculty in getting over this, then they may realise they should do likewise and let Isobelle be part of your family and they may come to accept her too.

[BrandiBri]

On 9/23/2018 at 6:45 PM, Isabelle said:

I’ll never be the woman I feel on the inside.

I have been away from my computer for quite some time and have just caught up with this thread. If you are talking about having the body of a sexy runway model, then, no you probably never be that woman. However, I read somewhere that "being yourself is the most beautiful thing you can be". You are a woman because you know deep down inside that you are. I have gone through the process of being certain that I had to do whatever it takes to "pass", to realizing that I am a transgender woman, to just being a woman. At first the clothes, make up and wig were, in my mind, necessary to pass. As time went by and I stepped out without make up and was correctly gendered, finally gave up the wig. I may not "pass" but I blend in and that is what we all want. 

You are a beautiful woman and you don't need to prove it to others, just be yourself.

 

Hugs,

Brandi

[Susan R]

On 11/12/2018 at 12:40 PM, Isabelle said:

I was absolutely freaking out but what a feeling it was to be able to buy dresses and tops that I have been desperate to own for such a long time! 

This is so inspiring to me.  I wish I would've had this much wherewithal and strength to do what you accomplished when I first decided I was female inside.  I wish you the very best on your journey and hope you continue to express yourself they way you are.

 

Thanks for the update,

Susan R?

[MelissaAndProudOfIt]

"Nothing wrong to be yourself, the biggest guilt is not being youself."

[Isabelle]

Hi everyone,

 

hope you’re all having an amazing holiday season! 

 

Just a quick question really- does anybody else find that their dysphoria can be brought on when having a generally bad day in other aspects of life?

 

i seem to find that when I’m having a rubbish day I’ll lay there and the dysphoria hits me square in the face

 

thanks,

 

Isabelle ?

[SugarMagnolia]

That's true for me, Isabelle, although less so now than it used to be. In the past, bad days made it much more likely that I'd feel bad about my face, how I look in clothes and my transition in general. Everyone's dysphoria is a little different, but what you're describing definitely has happened to me in the past, too.

 

Hugs,
Julie

[VickySGV]

Just now, Isabelle said:

i seem to find that when I’m having a rubbish day I’ll lay there and the dysphoria hits me square in the face

 

When you are in your early stages of Transition, GD can hit you like a train whenever you are down.  On the other side of Transition the GD does get gentler on you and you can better sort out what is happening,