Lost in a whole new world trying to embrace it.

[LittleRed]

Hello,

 

I'll go by LittleRed for now as I don't have a name for my newly discovered girl side. I'm 34 years-old and married to my best friend / high-school sweetheart for 16 years and I have 6 wonderful children.

 

I began to feel a very strong pull to the feminine world over a year ago while I was struggling to get through depression that had occurred due to heavy amounts of stress I was experiencing over the past 3-6 years (life is so hard). After getting off the meds (as they weren't working at all), the girl side of me never left. She poked her head out to say hi and to drop off strange feelings and urges from time to time and it continued to get harder for me to ignore. Almost a month ago I shared with my wife how I was feeling and all that had been going on and how I really just wanted to try on some fem clothes and feel girly. My wife was super understanding and took me shopping. We spent a weekend playing "dress up" together and my whole world turned upside down since then. It was as if I was wondering in the forest when all of sudden a bolt of lightning hit me, granting me a new DNA with superpowers I don't even know what to do with.

 

I found an LGBT counselor and have been sorting out my feeling and confusion. I am feeling scared, terrified, excited, happy, and vulnerable all at the same time, nearly every day now. I am beginning to realize that much of my childhood memories involved some sort of situation where I was curious or jealous of something my sister was able to experience while immediately shaming myself and putting those thoughts away. I'm pretty sure there has been a girl side of me for much of my life and this whole time I have been hiding it from myself and my wife. It all makes sense as my father was so verbally abusive to my siblings and i that anything I felt would even remotely offend him or disappoint, my natural and self-protective reaction was to shut it off and attempt to "kill off" that part of me.

 

Now the girl in me has come out of the woodwork and its really crazy. I have never felt such a rush of emotions of all kinds all at once. I'm trying to understand the fem side and accept it as part of who I am because I know that trying to put her away will bring back the depression in a really bad way. I live in a very conservative community and both my family and my in-laws would not be very accepting of this part of me. I'm in distress because the girl side of me seems to be very insistent on coming out to play - like very aggressive desires to dress and experience girly stuff. I can't focus on work lately because I'd rather be looking at jewelry and clothes online rather than doing my job as a programmer.

 

At this point, I think would consider myself gender-fluid. The good thing is that my wife is very supportive and I have a wonderful set of kids that I believe would be understanding if I came out (I'm so not ready to!). I work remote for a San Francisco based company that I'm pretty sure would accept me for who I am as well. While I still love and enjoy the male part of my personality, my current goal is to explore the girl side and understand what that means to me. I'm riding tidle waves and hoping to come to a point to where I feel somewhat normal and have clear thoughts (what I believe might be what others describe as pink fog is really exhausting).

 

Looking for words of encouragement. Thank you all for being so transparent in your stories, which led me to join this forum today.

[MaryEllen]

Hello LittleRed,

Welcome to TransPulse. Thank you for sharing your story with us. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. We're here to help.

 

MaryEllen

[jae bear]

 Hi little red, and welcome to the forum !  Many of us here have a very similar story although we are all quite unique as well, I’m very happy to hear that your wife is supportive and you have wonderful kids!  The best thing I ever did for myself was work with a gender therapist, and where you live you will have no shortage of options... The California Northern Bay area is one of the best places to be when you find yourself needing a safe and understanding place to make these important decisions. Self discovery is a heckuva trip, as you put it, it’s rather crazy !  One of the support methods I use quite often comes up tonight at 7:30, the Billy DeFrank LGBTQ Center hosts the Southbay trans women support group, it’s on the second and fourth Friday of every month, and quite a few of the members are programmers like yourself. Outside of seeing my therapist going to group meetings  such as this one has been an incredibly important part of my self discovery. The ability to share here on this forum and receive support from the wonderful people you meet here will help you tremendously as you search for methods of support and ways to understand yourself. I’m so glad you found us, I look forward to hearing more about your journey !

 Hugs, 

 Jackie 

[Cyndee]

Welcome LittleRed to Trans Pulse forums. It can be a flood of emotions and having a counselor to sort things out with is great step to take. Posting in a forum online can have a therapeutic value and interacting with folks that may have experienced similar things. Many seek a sense of wholeness or a more fuller understanding of their human experience, from the MTF direction, many have dealt with a socialization that has strongly discouraged these thoughts or expressions. Getting past all that allows one to find true happiness.

 

Have a great day and post away

 

Cynthia -

[LittleRed]

Thank you for the kind words, Cynthia, Jackie, and MaryEllen ?

 

I actually live in Michigan but work remote for a company in the bay area (San Francisco). At this point, I sort of wish I was living there because the side of Michigan I live on is very conservative in many areas. Perhaps that will be a decision I may make down the road if I continue being successful for my company.

 

And yes, it seems to definitely be a flood of emotions. It seems strange to me but I'm a little more afraid of the flood of emotions at the moment than the thought of actually trying new things and trying to dress fem. 

[Jani]

Greetings LittleRed!   I know its hard but take your time to understand and learn what is happening.  It can be very frightening at first with all the thoughts rushing out.  It appears your wife is supportive and that is a positive.  Experiencing our emotions in a way we never have before can be scary in itself, but it will help in unleashing the girl within.  You need to completely honest with yourself and those around you.  As you suggest you may be gender fluid, so try the androgynous route with clothing.  It's not as "in your face" as going totally feminine and is a good start.  You may find this is where you are comfortable, and that is what this is all about. 

 

Jani 

[LittleRed]

Jani,

 

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I just posted this to a different forum to see if others are experiencing what I'm going through. I have been feeling like I want to rewind time and go back to my male dominated self who didn't know about the girl within: 

 

It seems strange and I'm really trying to accept whats going on inside me but struggling to say the least. A few days ago, I just wanted to drive home and hide in my office to cry because I couldn't get it out of my head that I really wanted to try to paint my nails and didn't have the nerve to ask my wife if she could show me what to do. I finally blurted it out while were in the car and she got excited and we painted my nails that night. The whole experience was euphoric. But at the same time, the whole experience of feeling overwhelmed to want to cry over this is just not something I even figured was a part of my persona. It freaked me out and I feel a bit lost at the moment. I can't help but feel like Dorthy saying.

[LittleRed]

That last sentence was supposed to say...

 

I can't help but feel like Dorthy saying: "This doesn't feel like Kansas anymore".

 

LOL, I work on computers all day long and somehow I lost that last sentence while posting ?

[Charlize]

Welcome Lile Red.  I certainly remember that rush as I began to find myself.  I would recommend a deep breath.  Spend some time here and see a gender therapist as well.  As to wanting to keep your male side....for me that was an issue at first but today I work the farm enjoying all the things I did as a man and yet I’m free to be myself and while some may think I’m an “odd” woman I’m me.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kali-Ann Gills]

Hi little red,

Yes it can be very difficult to understand what is going on when the damn breaks and everything floods in all at once. I can only agree with everyone else take your time and discover where you need to be. A councilor is a good idea and will help you put things into perspective. The fact that your wife is understanding and  supportive is a massive bonus.

Please ask away we will help.

Kali-Ann ? xx 

[LittleRed]

I think I'm a bit lost right now and not in such a great place. Posted those feelings here: 

 

 

I do appreciate the kind words of encouragement from all of you. I think I've taken a bit too much in over the past few weeks and I feel like my head is out of control.

 

[Charlize]

As i went through the period of "active" transition and found my horizons opening i was certainly experiencing that feeling of life being out of control.  Perhaps the best thing is to sit back for a bit.  This is not a race and regardless it takes time for us to mature into a new life.  There is a new way of being perceived and perceiving others that takes a bit of time to understand and accept.  

Feeling like you've fallen down a rabbit hole isn't unusual.  For me the best part is enjoying it on this side of the hole.  Time helps!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize