Gender therapy - wanting to reassure my wife

[Martyn]

Hi All, We’ve been going through a difficult patch at home, my wife keeps doubting me and thinks I’m going off her as I’ve been changing so much over the past few months. I’ve been seeing a therapist which has helped give me some clarity on with how I’ve become but my wife just doesn’t believe I’m not planning on leaving her.

ive asked her if she’d be willing to come with me next time to see if it might help her come to terms with things.

Has anyone had experience with taking their partners / wives when attending therapy? If so, did it help or hinder things? 

[Briana]

Hi Martyn,

 

I found it to be really helpful in many different ways.  Going to group meetings helped her see that it really was a form of therapy and safe socialization vs. "going to hook up."  For 1:1 type of therapy, it was helpful to have a knowledgeable professional provide information, facilitate discussions over concerns, and be that unbiased person in the room.

[Martyn]

Thank you Briana, I was thinking more along the lines of seeing my gender therapist as a couple as opposed to on my own, I haven’t yet been to any group meeting tho that is something on my radar now. You make some good points, thank you :0)

[Kirsten]

My wife and I went to therapy one time together sort of by accident. Before my sons therapist wanted to talk to him about all of this, she wanted a session with us. But by that point we had both seen our own therapist multiple times. It was helpful in the sense that we were both able to tell her our thoughts and feelings about transition and hear the others words. But we had come to terms already. 

It sounds like maybe you are growing very quickly into your new self and your wife is feeling left behind. Have you been going out together? Have you been doing special things for her?

I found that “dating” my wife as my new self really helped. I get to show her how much I love her as Kirsten. I am still doing that now. It’s really like our relationship has started over. Flowers, love letters, Facebook posts, dinner out, and all those little relationship starter things have shown her that even though I am different now, i still love and care about her. She literally told me just last week that she would not be okay if I decided to detransition because the new me is better in almost every way. 

I guess what I’m saying is you should try to share yourself with her more. Show her you love her with all the little female things we all love so much. Maybe you are and I’m off base. I know at first I was not doing this. My therapist helped me to see that I needed to do this. Build our new relationship. 

Anyways. Hope it helps. 

Kirsten 

[Carolyn Marie]

My wife attended one session with me, possibly two, and i think it helped a lot.  She was too shy to say much, but I think hearing reassurances from the therapist was a lot more influential in her thinking than hearing it from me.  I don't think it could possibly hurt matters if your wife is willing and keeps an open mind.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

When i was going to a GT and mentioned my difficulties with my wife and son's feeling she suggested that they join me for a session.  I mentioned it to them but they unfortunately declined. Even so the fact that i had asked and wanted them to be a part of my journey was, i think, reassuring.  Time and patience as well as several tears made it possible for us to get trough transition.  It takes our partners time to transition just as it took us time.  My wife was concerned.  After all she had never considered herself a lesbian.  Best of luck.  we are hear to help as we can.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jani]

My wife went to one meeting with my therapist, early on in my meetings.  She did feel better but we had ups and downs, ending up thankfully.  She did go to a different therapist for a year to talk on her own.  She also attended two support meetings for Allies.  The first had too many parents and only one spouse so she didn't care for it.  I also took her to an Allies meeting that runs concurrently with one of my support groups.  It was a smaller group with spouses.  She came away impressed with the others and she had a different mindset afterwards.  She hasn't gone to any other meetings though.  We are doing well.   

 

Try to be clearer that you are not going to wander.  Be a good listener.  Thats why we have two ears and one mouth! 

 

Jani

[Martyn]

Thank you everyone for responding, yes, sometimes the obvious things evade us when we are so consumed and tied up in knots - for a long time now things have been building up, I’ve tried to reassure her I’m doing this to make myself happier inside and outside, I’ve told her so many times I love her totally, I want no one else - she’s my whole world.

Perhaps although I feel comfortable in my new clothes that I’m going too fast for her but she says she likes my choices (well nearly all of them).

Mentally tho I think it’s taking it’s tole on her, she struggles to understand, why? Why I’m like this now? Keeps asking if I still love her all the time, I don’t know what to do to convince her, wish I did as it’s getting very uncomfortable.

Agreed, yes I need to make sure I tell her, show her as often as possible. As with most couples / families money and time are always in short supply which doesn’t help matters.

We’ve talked and talked via text as we are like passing ships in our work lives, I’m self employed and she’s a nurse, she does lots of night shifts - needs must tho as they say.

Hoping to arrange a joint meeting with my gender therapist for us both next week as it feels like it’s needed quite badly.

 

[Martyn]

My wife is working a night shift tonight (again) I have since been reflecting on all your comments, I sense I need to listen more and not try and convince her to accept the new me but allow her to find her own way of dealing with things, hopefully the joint meeting with my therapist next week will help her in some way too.

I’ve just been to the shop and bought a nice card and some flowers, and now about to write something to express how I feel about her and how much I want her in my life, it’s a start to hopefully turn things around as I couldn’t bear to loose her. 

Thank you for all your support everyone, hugs

[Jani]

25 minutes ago, Martyn said:

allow her to find her own way of dealing with things

This is a good idea.  She will take ownership of the process when she is comfortable her views and needs will be addressed and hopefully met.  

 

Best wishes, 
Jani

[Martyn]

Thank you Jani, you are a tower of strength to so many on here. My emotions are rather getting the better of me tonight.

[Jani]

Thank you Martyn.  You're going to make me cry now! 

 

Jani

[Martyn]

My wife and I are now separated, the main reason I’ve since found out is because of our sexless marriage due to my errectile dysfunction, after years of trying so many different methods most recently I started using penile injections, took a few goes to get the injections right but it did work, we made love for the first time ever just once, then our relationship deteriorated due to my wife not being able to cope with my non binary issues, this seemed to tip her over the edge. Now it’s all over! I can’t believe what’s happened, we were just starting to make progress sexually at last and now we’ll never be together like that ever again.  19 years together all gone, only memories left, feel so angry and upset, tears just don’t stop and been like it for days now, not eating, sleeping just had enough now.

[jae bear]

 Martyn, honey, we are so similar it’s ridiculous. The last 13 years of my marriage required the same injections, at least my right side is numb so I didn't feel the injection site!  I think the end of my marriage had some things to do with that problem as well, plus my constant frustration and occasional bad temper, I can see it now but I could not see it then. To be honest the relationship with my ex-wife is better now than it was when we were married, and I See it improving as time goes by. I’m hoping we end up reasonably good friends, which was all I really hoped for in marriage anyway. Hurt feelings are hard to pack away, the hurt and anguish are just part of the process so we can heal... 

 I’m very glad to see that you’re starting to process these things, even though You’re feeling hurt and angry from time to time. Please know that everyone here is pulling for you, wishing you good thoughts and here for you with a shoulder when you need it.

 Great big hugs, 

Jackie