An emotional rollercoaster....

[elizabeth22]

For as far back i could remember, one things that was a nag to my family is i was overly emotional.  Despite this being an introduction, and the complexities of my mental illness, childhood, relationships, etc etc etc .... idk... various hospitals, various psychiatrists, various ... ugh...

idk

Lets just say its been rough.

So once again, i got discharged from a new facilitiy in the metroplex in which i live.  People were... okay i suppose.  Staff were a lot more professional than other places ... but the biggest thing that i never got before, was a push.  When i was in the ER, since i  went in after another person drove me in after stopping me from cutting myself, i suppose my emotions rolled and rolled and my mental walls i have about *wanting to get out of my body* because i feel grose.... why is that? weight? job? ... .... no... i dont like being a man... WOOPS!

so when i wound up in that new pysch hospital, the psychiatrist was like .... "so yourr... trangender?".... im stuck.. im a room and i forgot about the ER the days before.  I was like.... (yeah).... and between he said talking with the staff about me being an emotinal rollercoaster, they said it makes sense.... in a way... so they had a new approach ... and this was wierd.... ok

in private, i was given a womens shirt after another psychiatrist idk in what order... and it was supposed to make me feel ... saffe there.  so idk... because people in group wouldd be like dont leave, open up. its only making things worst....

No no no...

in my room and just wanting to be done with everything...

but then like support ladies came into my room.... fixed my hair when i was crying... and held my hand... not every time but a few.... and said a few words "it's okay. your safe"

no no no... i turn against the wall...  idk....;

im thinking *what do i do?" i already said at least  im transgender....

then i realized i couldnt just say simple words.... so with her... i exploded with the biggotry, and angery, and violence directed at me over the years and never feeling at peace inside and then confused with the relationship between my mental perceptions versus what i see around ... in the mirror....

so i got my first hug from a stranger actually curious about the things that many have told me ...... it was nice to know that it felt like a mental health professional finally understood after SOOO LOOONNG

so then all kinds of things... idk...... some of the ladies there were like.... holing my hands... and like *please, dont cut yourself no more.  instead you can do waxing *.... then i got tips on like.... all kinds of stuff it was overhwleing...

then a few of the patient ladies were like.... i guess catching on and that got more overwhelming....  i remember this ... her name was Nancy and we were looking / watching the construction crew that was working outside and it was more funny for us because we would leave group sometimes to see if they were out there....

other patient talk trickled and other ladies would be like.... "dont go back to the room, you need to learn to be social. sit down."   

in my mind... im like no

but the magazines she had made me stay because i was SOOOOO BOOORED there. so then i flipped through the pages...

 

okay okay, ill fast foward.

 

so basically i got discharged.... ugh today... yesterday... my lappy says 2 21 am... and im so stoked because now idk.... it felt safe in the hospital to open up.... so its like... i guess i can... maybe get past this hump and be able to work with my psychiatrist /therapist a little better about this.

 

P.S. spell check is all over... but w/e right??!

[tracy_j]

Hi Elizabeth.

 

Welcome

 

You are among friends here. Take your time, find your feet and join in and get to know everyone. Lots of things may be hard to get to know and understand, but you will and feel much better. Thank you for your introduction. I am glad you have been able to let things go and relax a little. You can do so here. We ensure that.  Please don't hesitate to join in. We all help each other. There is a wealth of peoples experiences, many that you will likely find familiar.

 

Tracy

[elizabeth22]

idk... its like this....

People look at you... ask your name... and i use my nickname which happens to just be my first two initials basically.... *oh... whats my legal name?"... 

whats my legal.... uggh... memories etc

spirlas down...

okay so i get through.... w//e... idk...

 

In the hospital they said i need to not be so antisocial and find a group nearby to go to.  I did. sorta... but the bus would have me back real late...  so idk...

 

then its like ... what i do?  how do i go looking..... feeling..... being..... i dont know if i can sit in a group and dont know what to expect...

 

i dont know... i think right now im going to wait till next month and use some money to get stuff for waxing and light makeup.... since in the housing area... things are finally looking more positive to make it easier to not share a house with.... 

versus a friend i developed a trust with for over a year, that i know does not do drugs... and doesnt abuse alchohol... not agressive... and in fact understands because of his personal life.  hes was the first person after talking with a therapist and came out... i finally came home and talked to him.

 

but like i said... i dont know about a social group setting.

 

Thanks Tracy (hugs)

[elizabeth22]

It probably would help if other MTF would give me recommended links for waxing ( my memory sucks despite talking with ladies ) tips etc since thats like on my todo list for feeling better about me.

 

~ Liz

[Kati]

I wish you well on your journey.  I hope in time you will come to appreciate who you are and become comfortable and in your own skin.  Be safe!  Be happy!

 

All the best,

 

Kati

[Charlize]

Welcome Liz.

   I'm glad you are getting professional help.  I was quite depressed at times during my life.  Like you i couldn't admit to my feelings about gender.  Getting help and being honest with myself has helped me to find some peace with myself. 

I'm glad you've joined us here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[elizabeth22]

idk around 3 AM i realized the walmart pharamcist must of accidentally not returned my discharge paperwork... but thank gawd i can just call the clinic for the appintment info...  i think that was the only information i really needed (that and their stupid referrals for addictions and im just like w/e)

 

Idk... i wound up realizing why my local crisis line got all iffy with me maybe... i think i said to much without reaalizing that effects how local EMS responds or w/e... idk... screwed up i suppose.  i needed someone to talk to... i guess a different number.... might as well try it? so i looked at the 877 trans lifeline... and the person listened and told me to look into the Trans Empowerment Project (which i suppose i would recommend to anyone reading looking for local resources that doesnt know about it).

 

My life feels so backwards (UUGHH!)

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Liz,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm so glad you've found us!

 

Being trans can be a confusing experience that leaves us feeling lost and alone in a world that feels like nobody understands. 

 

TransPulse is a ray of sunlight in that stormy world. We are a community of fellow transgender people who have similar experience. I had thought I was all alone in the world. TransPulse showed me that I am not alone. I found a community I could be a part of and engage with that understands. We are all here for you and you are not alone anymore! Welcome!

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf? 

[elizabeth22]

hey everyone.

 

thanks for your warm welcome but despite everyone opening up to me, because im dealt with chronic depression due to abondonment and trauma and having no one in my personal life, im struggling with my purpose now....

 

so when i thought my issue was chemical and later my psychiatrist had me see a LPC which later popped my bubble when i stated how i felt trapped in my body, i later opened up how it felt strange to have dreams in ... a womans body and when i wake up it hurts my head as if my conscious mind is probably doing a switch over or something and i realize where i am in my biological self.

 

honestly this -crap- scares me and im remembering morea bout my childhood and my moms pregancy that both makes me self aware but makes me feel even more awkward and disgusted.  the void in my i feel everyday makes me want it all to stop... because im like screaming in my dreams or crying because... i dont know what to do or so anymore when i look for resources....

 

so finally i talked to the right people in this impatient stay and a liscenced case worker foiund me some LPCs in the specialty of gender dysphoria.. she also explained because its a touchy subject matter, until you do the therapy out of pocket now... and get documentation throiugh that LPC, its hard to really push forward with descent cverage. so the conclusion was to find a sliding scale LPC that would work with me financially based in my disability check and for the first time i did.  

 

after explaining my emotional ditress and what happened during and after seeing a CBT based therapist, i also explained how financially i shop at fmaily dollar and the dollar tree.  so then she goes.... so how much are you willing to pay.  I was like... well if i visit once a month, 35$ maybe?  she said so she has more time to talk to me, to give her a call after discharge or after her vacation.  HE SEEMED SO NICE!  In this screwed up world where i feel so alone , so lost, and hopeless, its been hard to really open up to anyone other than "drug addicts" that of course wanna have my number for after discharge... 

 

but i know how to and who to have in my life....

 

i know i just need to focus on me.

 

but the one thing i did take from the other patients is i need to stop living in fear and be able to do things for myself and stop looking how ugly i am.  she was like... "you have a beautiful soul" (this one patient).

 

i want to make friends on here though especially transgender women if possible that can talk to me one to one because for me, this -crap- scares me... especially when this on medication opened my mind to when i was real little and i remember stuff.... that i wish i didnt... about medical procedures....

[Jani]

17 hours ago, elizabeth22 said:

i know i just need to focus on me.

Liz this is important.  It sounds like you are on the right path. 

 

all my best, 

Jani