Newbie looking for guidance

[lilyboots]

Hello all!

 

(Cliffnotes-my step son has stated that he is transgender to his mother but not his father. Mother wants father to speak the the boy about it this weekend when boy comes to visit.)

 

My name is Wendy-(lilyboots is the cat) and I am feeling stuck. A little backgorund. My husband (T) and I have been married for 9 years and we have 4 children between us from ages 21 to 10. His divorce was very difficult and he and his ex (M) have a very challenging 'relationship' for lack of better word. She does not acknowledge me at all, unless its negative. Its fine-I would rather not have to deal with her. 

There are times when T and M do have constructive conversations about the kids...rare but it happens. 

 

My background. I am a nurse and worked for 4 years with a doctor who specializes in transgender care-hormones, surgery, etc. As her nurse I took her calls, refilled prescriptions and got to know her patinets-in a professional setting. I would like to think I have a little more understanding than the average person. 

 

So, here is what is going on...

 

My stepson is 13 and has told his mother that he is trans. He has always leaned away from the traditional "boy" interests. Its common in young kids to do this and often means nothing. His declaration has also come with the statememt that he would like to have his penis cut off. This is, in my opinion, far more significant. He has been expressing this for at least 6 months and he confided in his mother but did not want to tell his father. He was seeing a therapist as well but from what has been gathered this never came up as part of his therapy. (he is a high anxiety kid and extrodinarily smart--spooky smart, but socially awkward)

My husband was in the loop but did not approach is son unless he was approached. It certainly has rattled both T and M (understandably in my opinion)

 

Last night M calls T asking him to speak with the boy this weekend when he comes to visit us. (we live 700 miles apart) The boy will not be expecting it. T is open and will be accepting but he is struggling. So is M. She thinks it is her fault because she did not have any strong male influences in the boys life (she has done everything to keep the boy away from his dad). She keeps referring to him as her beautiful boy and cannot accept that he may transgender. 

 

I am listening to the conversation and thinking...this may really be what is happening. T and M seem to think that he just made this declaration without thought. I think he has thought about it for a long long time and there is no way to say it other than to say it.  I told T that he needs to listen and reassure the boy. Support him. I a worried that T and M (not maliciously) will drive this kid into a place of shame, simply because if their lack of knowledge, shock, concern, etc. I have told my husband that from my experience declaring oneself as transgender is incredibly difficult-often for people they lose family, friends, jobs, etc. Many have gone through their lives playing a role and get to a point that they cannot deny what they know to be true, again with tremendous sacrifices. 

 

I foresee this weekend trip being a disaster-I think the boy will be blindsided and hurt. I asked T if I could talk to the boy and he is open to it. M would have a fit!!! 

I am worried.

 

Looking for advice. 

And how do you know when a child tells you something like this? How best to address the boy, I want him to be supported but also to understand that this will come with challenges and that it is very shocking for his parents. They adore their son-but understandably are upset and confused. 

 

Sorry this is so long! And I apologize if this is in the wrong forum as well. 

 

Thanks!!

 

[SugarMagnolia]

First off, Lilyboots, thank you for being a thoughtful supportive person. You're in a great position to help and it will make a world of difference. I literally teared up reading your words and seeing your understanding of the situation. ❤️

You can all start by simply being as supportive as possible and letting the child explore what they're feeling. One of the hardest things is being young and dealing with what feels like a dark secret that you can't tell anyone about. Just being able to tell parents and have them listen and not judge is huge. It's possible that the trip will "be a disaster", but letting the child know that you support them and won't run away is huge. I'd call that step 1.

Step 2 would be to find support resources so that the child can work through what they're feeling and perhaps take some initial steps in order to understand how that feels. There are many possibilities, but I'd suggest: a gender therapist, a good trans/queer/lgbt youth support group if you can find one, and perhaps some similar resources for all of the parents such as a local PFLAG group. There are also a lot of really great books both for trans questioning youth and family

All four of you should keep in mind that nothing will happen overnight. Take it slow, and be as unconditionally loving as you can. 

Hugs,
Julie

[lilyboots]

2 hours ago, SugarMagnolia said:

First off, Lilyboots, thank you for being a thoughtful supportive person. You're in a great position to help and it will make a world of difference. I literally teared up reading your words and seeing your understanding of the situation. ❤️

You can all start by simply being as supportive as possible and letting the child explore what they're feeling. One of the hardest things is being young and dealing with what feels like a dark secret that you can't tell anyone about. Just being able to tell parents and have them listen and not judge is huge. It's possible that the trip will "be a disaster", but letting the child know that you support them and won't run away is huge. I'd call that step 1.

Step 2 would be to find support resources so that the child can work through what they're feeling and perhaps take some initial steps in order to understand how that feels. There are many possibilities, but I'd suggest: a gender therapist, a good trans/queer/lgbt youth support group if you can find one, and perhaps some similar resources for all of the parents such as a local PFLAG group. There are also a lot of really great books both for trans questioning youth and family

All four of you should keep in mind that nothing will happen overnight. Take it slow, and be as unconditionally loving as you can. 

Hugs,
Julie

 

Thank you Julie!

I appreciate your kind words. It is overwhelming, but I am sure I do not need to tell you that. 

 

I would love to hear from others. 

 

 

[Kati]

Since I have never had children take what I write with the proverbial grain of salt.

 

 It seems to me you are in unique but complicated situation.  On the one hand you are far more knowledgable about the topic than either of the birth parents.  On the other hand being a step parent can be a tricky role.   Say too much or assume too great a role and the birth mother may be offended and complicate the situation by playing the victim.  

 

You might just remind or rehearse your professional background to your step teen, and then say to your stepchild, "If you ever need or want to talk about what you are experiencing, I am here for you."  In this way the decision to talk would be one made by your step teen.  That might defuse the suggestion that you are meddling.

 

I'm not sure if this makes any sense or not.  

 

I do hope you will keep us informed about the journey you and your teen are on..

 

All good wishes to you,

 

Kati

[lilyboots]

Thank you Kati, that does make sense. 

 

A huge issue will be his mother-she monitors their phones, doesn't really let me have contact with them when they are in her care, which is most of the time. 

She does not know my background and T would certainly tell her-but she is so reactive and really hates me that much. If I do talk with the boy this weekend he will not share with her that we spoke, if only to spare himself the third degree. 

 

I know she loves the boy-but she is a very strange and bitter woman. 

 

Is it inappropriate to ask...in general...when a child or anyone makes a declaration, is it true? (I know very poorly worded)

 

 

[SugarMagnolia]

In this place and in this context, I wouldn't consider it inappropriate...honest questions that stem from good intentions are always fine with me.

In general, for someone to come out and make a declaration, well,  there is SOMETHING going on that should be taken seriously, as you're doing.

A persistent theme you'll read in many of our stories is that we knew at an early age and that it just gets stronger over time. So, I would say, yes, if someone tells you that they believe themselves to be trans then they probably are. There are those that explore it and decide that they're not, but that's atypical...particularly for someone who seems to have significant dysphoria around their genitalia.

Hope that helps. Everyone's experience is unique, so I am always a little bit worried about making blanket statements.

 

[Jani]

Wendy, Thanks for joining us in your efforts for support and answers.

 

6 hours ago, lilyboots said:

I have told my husband that from my experience declaring oneself as transgender is incredibly difficult-often for people they lose family, friends, jobs, etc. Many have gone through their lives playing a role and get to a point that they cannot deny what they know to be true, again with tremendous sacrifices. 

This is true.  I am confident he has thought this over and over before coming out to his mother.  It is not something to be taken lightly.  

 

I see several issues; your distance and infrequent visits with the child, the parents lack of information on the subject and the mothers animosity towards you.  I think the last one may be most important as you have said she strongly dislikes you and because of your involvement and "history" on the subject she may want to completely shut you out and deny her son treatment (despite the love she professes).  

 

I really think this would be a good time for your husband to intervene and try to get the ex to be more civil with you and maybe more friendly with him, i.e. we don't need to be best friends, but lets bond around our son's needs.  

 

This may be an opportunity for you both to be more in the boys life as you can be another set of allies.  Education can always be gained by those with open minds.  I am hopeful you will be successful. 

 

Best wishes,

Jani

[MaryEllen]

Hello Wendy,

Welcome to Transpulse.:)  We'll help you all that we can. Hopefully, everything will turn out ok.

 

MaryEllen

[lilyboots]

2 hours ago, SugarMagnolia said:

In this place and in this context, I wouldn't consider it inappropriate...honest questions that stem from good intentions are always fine with me.

In general, for someone to come out and make a declaration, well,  there is SOMETHING going on that should be taken seriously, as you're doing.

A persistent theme you'll read in many of our stories is that we knew at an early age and that it just gets stronger over time. So, I would say, yes, if someone tells you that they believe themselves to be trans then they probably are. There are those that explore it and decide that they're not, but that's atypical...particularly for someone who seems to have significant dysphoria around their genitalia.

Hope that helps. Everyone's experience is unique, so I am always a little bit worried about making blanket statements.

 

It does help. Thank you. I am afraid that T seems to have put up a wall. I am cautious about talking it to death, how much can one say? I have stated my peace (for now). I did tell him I have joined this forum and he listens to me. He needs to digest this but he is having so much doubt. 

 

 

[lilyboots]

1 hour ago, Jani said:

Wendy, Thanks for joining us in your efforts for support and answers.

 

This is true.  I am confident he has thought this over and over before coming out to his mother.  It is not something to be taken lightly.  

 

I see several issues; your distance and infrequent visits with the child, the parents lack of information on the subject and the mothers animosity towards you.  I think the last one may be most important as you have said she strongly dislikes you and because of your involvement and "history" on the subject she may want to completely shut you out and deny her son treatment (despite the love she professes).  

 

I really think this would be a good time for your husband to intervene and try to get the ex to be more civil with you and maybe more friendly with him, i.e. we don't need to be best friends, but lets bond around our son's needs.  

 

This may be an opportunity for you both to be more in the boys life as you can be another set of allies.  Education can always be gained by those with open minds.  I am hopeful you will be successful. 

 

Best wishes,

Jani

Thanks Jani.

I am hopeful that if (when) this does come to pass we can all be on the same page for the boy's sake. 

47 minutes ago, MaryEllen said:

Hello Wendy,

Welcome to Transpulse.:)  We'll help you all that we can. Hopefully, everything will turn out ok.

 

MaryEllen

Thank you MaryEllen, 

Everyone has been so kind and helpful. 

[DenimAndLace]

Humm. It sounds to me like the adults are really stressing about the child's declaration. Maybe the best thing to do is to just be chill. Let the child know that your house is a safe place for them to just "be themselves", to talk or not talk.  Just support the child by letting them lead the way making sure they know they are loved.  You could maybe ask them what they want to do ... then ask again, "what do you REALLY want to do?"  Or, "are those clothes alright or would you like to wear something else?" MY younger self would have been mortified to be cornered with such a heavy topic by my parents regarding something so personal.  I just wish I could have been myself and everyone else be like no big deal. That would have been really nice.

Please take what I say lightly. If it fits, great. If not, toss it aside.

[lilyboots]

20 hours ago, DenimAndLace said:

Humm. It sounds to me like the adults are really stressing about the child's declaration. Maybe the best thing to do is to just be chill. Let the child know that your house is a safe place for them to just "be themselves", to talk or not talk.  Just support the child by letting them lead the way making sure they know they are loved.  You could maybe ask them what they want to do ... then ask again, "what do you REALLY want to do?"  Or, "are those clothes alright or would you like to wear something else?" MY younger self would have been mortified to be cornered with such a heavy topic by my parents regarding something so personal.  I just wish I could have been myself and everyone else be like no big deal. That would have been really nice.

Please take what I say lightly. If it fits, great. If not, toss it aside.

 

I do not disagree with this advice-I am fine waiting until the kid is ready to open up and not making him feel forced. 

I just have this gut feeling this is the road we will be going down and I want to be armed with as much information as I can to be the voice of reason because I think mom and dad are going to make it difficult-again not maliciousness, but from not understanding or being realistic. 

 

Right now all we know is what his mom has told T (not me directly). He does not know that T has been told. At this point T was not planning on saying anything-but he has been trying to get the message across that if there is anything he ever needs to talk about he would be there no matter what. 

[Charlize]

Welcome Wendy.  My grandson has always had issues that showed up well before i allowed myself to come out.  He seems to be finding peace with his birthgender at this point.  It is up to him to find a path.  I can only let him know he has my support and love regardless of his path.  Often, although it is difficult, the best path is simply to let someone know they have support if they want or need it and then let it go.  I have done my best to let all his decisions be his own.  Fortunately you can provide that support if it is needed.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize