Struggling With Self Discovery

[SwordBorn]

Hi there! I thought it was about time I tried to find a place that I felt safe being able to share and talk about this stuff, so here I am. 

 

I can't say that gender ever really mattered to me till maybe 9th grade? I just knew what I liked and what I wanted to be like. I was the little girl who was obsessed with dinosaurs and loved cars and playing outside in the dirt. I wore shorts and T-shirts because that's what I was comfortable in. I hated wearing skirts or dresses, I just didn't know what to do with myself in them. As I got a little older sometimes I wore them because I thought it would please other people, but I can't say I ever really wore them for me. My mother tried to force things like baby dolls and my little pony on me, but I just wasn't having it. I wasn't into all that "girly crap." I never really had thoughts of oh, I wish I were a boy instead, I was just myself. I do remember small moments of wondering why I had to be different than boys though, why did I have to have different "parts?" Why couldn't I go without a shirt too? I remembered getting yelled at as a little kid one time because I walked out of my room with no shirt on, that was a bit scary and confusing. My only thoughts had been, dad can go without a shirt around the house, why can't I?

 

Anyways, in the middle of 8th grade I moved away from the only city I'd ever lived in with my dad, step-mom, and little sister. (My step-mom is wonderful by the way, and I really consider her my mom, since my mother never really was one to me, but that's a whole other story.) I loved all the new family I'd gained from my step-mom, since we moved where most of her family were nearby, but I had no friends and the friends I had before I moved rarely talked to me now. I was very lonely to say the least, it was not a good time in my life. 9th grade rolled around and I was told that if I didn't join a sport I had to join theater because you needed to have an after school activity and they were good for you. I was not pleased with that, but it did introduce me to my best friend, Sora. (Not her real name, a nickname actually.) We clicked instantly and got along great, but I also fell pretty hard for her. I'm bisexual, always have been so that wasn't really a shocker kind of thing for me, I've always felt pretty comfortable being Bi. Anyways, we balanced each other out really well, her being the super cute and girly one and I leaning more towards the masculine side all the time. She was straight (at the time) though, and for the first time I found myself wishing I were a boy instead. It wasn't only because she preferred guys though, I had been leaning towards this for quite sometime. I think in some part my step-mom had an idea I felt this way. She would often surprise shop for my little sister and I, and we'd find new clothes in our closets occasionally. I always thought that was pretty cool because it was always stuff I liked and I didn't even have to tell or ask her. I dressed rather boyishly, in jeans or boys shorts and t-shirts and hoodies. I got pretty into cosplay too, though I only wanted to dress as male characters, and binding my chest and acting as them made me feel really comfortable and happy. I'd also play games with my little sister after school sometimes where we'd role play as characters from games or shows, or even ones we made up. We had a long running one where I'd play Demyx from Kingdom Hearts and I owned like a restaurant and would make her snacks after school. It was kind of silly, but it's a really fond memory and I was always felt happy playing a guy.

 

Anyways, the surfaced desire to want to be a boy began to consume me. I searched online and discovered transgender, and immediately I wanted to know more about it. I didn't find all that much though, sadly, and it really left me craving more. There just didn't seem to be quite as many resources out there then as there are today. I had a lot of body dysphoria as well, with my chest and my lower parts. I started to develop some self loathing feelings, both because I wanted to be a boy and because I thought it was foolish of me to want that. I was also worried if I wanted to pursue that, that I might regret it later. What if Sora played too big a part in my wanting to be a boy and I regretted it if we couldn't be together. I got really depressed as well, and I've had a lot of ups and downs with depression ever since.

 

At some point I started trying to suppress this side of myself "because it was a stupid dream." I started to dress a little more feminine, I had crushes on boys, I had boyfriends, etc. I tried, but I was just trying to cover it all up. I'd do my best to forget about my masculine self, but it always seems to slip back to the surface. I would phase back into wearing my "boy clothes" and acting more masculine on and off, while still trying to suppress it at the same time. I really didn't like myself a whole lot. When I drew myself it was as a boy or I would channel myself into male characters. (I'm hugely into art.) When I sang I didn't like my voice because I thought it should sound more masculine and that the songs I wrote never sounded right when I sang them with my own voice. I got into this habit of thinking that "I'm not good enough." I pushed everyone that I was close to away, including Sora. I was a real jerk, and it's one of my biggest regrets, I feel the pain of that all the time. She tried really hard all the time to push her way back in even when I was a butt head, sometimes I still don't know why she ever stayed friends with me, but I'm very glad she did. I never told her that I thought about being transgender, but I she was happy to let me try out different names and pronouns with her. To this day she still calls me Riku, though that's a throw back to 9th grade, lol. It's a very comfortable name for me considering it came from a male character. I thought about using it as my name if I could get the courage to transition, but it felt too personal to share with anyone other than her, and I never got any of the names I tried out to stick either. Anyways, I had this big ol' "I'm not good enough for anything" complex, so even when Sora came to the decision that she was Bi and would like to try dating me I made up a bunch of excuses as to why I wouldn't be a good partner for her and broke my own heart. We're still best friends though, even to this day. And even to this day I love her just as much if not more.

 

Moving on, I struggled really hard with pushing away all my feelings until I had just or almost forgotten about them, and I managed to do it long enough that I fell in love with a boy at my school, and he very much felt the same. We dated for the rest of high school, we got engaged, we had a kid, and we all live together as a little family now. My masculine feelings hadn't really returned full force like they used to, though it really hit me in the feels when I decided it was time to get rid of all my "boy clothes." If I was a woman and was staying that way why would I need to dress so masculine? I think in part I just wanted to be cute for him, I liked the way he reacted when I dressed up and did my hair and whatever. When I looked in the mirror I don't know that I ever really saw me for me though, I knew I looked good from an aesthetic, artistic kind of view and that other's liked it, but I didn't really do it for me. Every once in a while I'd have a moment where I'd stand in the mirror and squish my breasts down with my hands again and wonder what I'd look like with a flat chest, or pull my hair back and wonder about having a "guys" cut. But I'd always dismiss it as silly and walk away from the idea. Something's changed lately though. I ended up searching through my many sketch books to find an old artwork and stumbled across old drawings of me as a boy and some old feeling resurfaced a little. I woke up one morning and I felt really distressed because I had no "boy's" clothing anymore and it's making me super anxious that I can't just throw on my old shorts, or jeans, or t-shirts. I've taken back to wearing jeans and borrowing my fiance's hoodies and sweatshirts lately. I look in the mirror and I start thinking about a flat chest again and short hair. Recently I cut my hair again because I couldn't get the idea out of my head, but I chickened out a little and it's just not as short and masculine as I want it. I ended up falling down a youtube rabbit hole and finding all these wonderful people sharing about their transgender experiences and resources that I never had when I was younger. These feelings are so strong, and part of me wants to suppress them again, and part of me wants to let myself become what I keep coming back to. I'm very afraid though, I'm a mother now, I have a little boy, what would he think? I want more kids, but that'd be weird if I wanted to transition. I'm a mom, I can't just decide to be a guy now. What would my fiance think? Would he still love me the same? Will I ruin everything we've built if I want to become male? His family are super religious, and we would never hear the end of it from any of them, it'd be a bit of a nightmare especially since I've presented as so feminine around them. What would my family think? I know my step-mom would support me and so would my dad and sister, but everyone else? There's a lot of questions and confusion and worries going around in my head. I keep hoping that these feelings will go away, but at the same time I keep breaking down and crying anymore at the silliest of times and I've never felt it so strongly before. I don't think it's just going to "go away" this time and I'm just not quite sure what to do with myself.

 

I know I need to talk to my fiance, or at least Sora because those are the two people I should be able to trust most. But I'm not quite ready yet, and that's okay. You don't transition or decide all in a day. Anyways, I really needed to share somewhere else first, where I wouldn't put myself "at risk" with loved ones knowing. I'm hoping it helps to get it out, and will maybe make it easier to say it the next time. Thank you for reading this though if you made it all the way through, I'm sure it was all kinds of rambly, but then again I generally am, haha. 

[MaryEllen]

Hello SwordBorn,

Welcome to TransPulse.   Thank you for sharing your story with us. Have you ever considered counseling with a gender therapist? He or she could help guide you to answers that you seek. 

Ramble all you want. We're here to listen and offer advice.

 

MaryEllen

[SwordBorn]

@MaryEllen

 

Thank you for the welcome! And getting a gender therapist is something I would absolutely love to do, or therapy in general really because I know it’s something I could benefit from a lot. At the moment it isn’t really affordable for me though, but when I have the budget to do that in the future it’s very much something I would like to do. 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, hon.  Thank you for sharing your story; I know how hard it is to make that first introduction, or even mention the word transgender for the first time.  We've all been there.

 

You're right that there is no urgency in coming out or doing any more right now that what you are doing; namely, researching and exploring and asking questions.  We're pretty good at that here.  So check out the forums, participate to the extent you're comfortable, and we'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Welcome SwordBorn.

   As i began transition my cousin, a psychoanalyst, told me that everyone was a mixture of genders.  At the time i was somewhat focused on expressing my feminine side only.  I had held that in forever.  As time passes i see the wisdom of those words.  I present and live my life as female but there is certainly a male element as well.  It may be a balancing act but i need to accept both.

  Glad you have joined us and thanks for your share.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize