New and Confused

[SomepersonMT]

Hi, I'm new here. 

 

Firstly I'd like to say that the main reason I am here is because I am confused about my own gender identity. I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter, and often I don't care and just accept it, but other times I feel dysphoric and hate myself because I feel like "i'm in the wrong body". 

 

Growing up I never had a female preference in things, but I didn't exactly have a masculine preference either (when it came to clothes at least), I was fine with dresses and such, I never made a fuss. When it came to toys and T.V. shows I loved Barbies (even though I mainly just cut their hair off) and that sort of girly stuff, but when I went to daycare I remember preferring to play with the dinosaur toys. With T.V. shows I loved watching cartoons like Ben 10, TMNT, and the sort, but Dora the Explorer was my main favourite. When it comes to video games I always choose the male characters, sometimes I choose female characters so people won't question why I always pick men. I tried to convince myself that my preference of male characters was because of sexual attraction, but when I think about it, it's more like I want to be them.

 

I have a late memory of my first day in kindergarten, I remember telling the lady who worked there, "I'm a boy!", but they and my mother just laughed it off. I became a little confused from that, 'Why couldn't I be a boy?' I felt. I get really jealous of my transgender friend when he explains his plans of testosterone pills and gender reassignment surgery in the future, and when he states his arrival of his new binders and get kinda passive aggressive about it.

 

I'm really scared to turn out to be transgender because I'm worried what people would think, one of my friends are transgender so its unlikely I'd be transgender. My sister would be disappointed that she has lost a sister, my dad would probably pass it off as being a lesbian. I don't necessarily want this struggle. I feel like my mind is so against this "transgender" thing that I just can't allow myself to think of myself as a boy. I think its made me transphobic, and I don't want to be that kind of person.

 

I'd mainly just like someone to give their opinions about the situation, and maybe some advice please. I don't know what to do, I just wanna disappear, dude.

 

Thank you for your time.

[SomepersonMT]

Edit: I didn't mean pills, I mean't shots or however it's done.

[VickySGV]

It is pretty late here for me to give you a good answer, but others with clearer heads will be along in a bit.  This is a safe place for you and you need to relax and not be afraid of what is going on.  All of us here have experienced what is happening to you.   If  you are having any questions about your gender, then you are NOT Cis gender which is people happy with their birth assigned gender.  How far you have to go or need to go is an individual thing that you will have to work out for yourself.  Please get some professional counseling from a professional who knows about gender issues.  They can help you to find ways to do what you have to do to have a healthy life.  No matter how bad you feel about hurting others, you will hurt them much more by not being in your best mental and physical health.  You may even find they have fewer problems than you think they will. 

 

Welcome to the forums, we are here for you.

[Jani]

Hi and welcome!  I have to agree with Vicky that cis gender people don't question their gender.  That said it's not a bad thing to be who you are.  

9 hours ago, SomepersonMT said:

I'm really scared to turn out to be transgender because I'm worried what people would think, one of my friends are transgender so its unlikely I'd be transgender.

You need to learn to be confident in yourself.  That you friend is transgender really has no bearing on whether you may be or not!  Besides how they determine their path is not what you have to select as your path.  We're all different and its OK. 

 

9 hours ago, SomepersonMT said:

My sister would be disappointed that she has lost a sister, my dad would probably pass it off as being a lesbian.

I understand that some people might be disappointed but how about thinking about you!  Your sister wouldn't be losing you, she's be gaining a brother.  Your dad would eventually figure it out by how you interact with him and others.  Besides, you cannot dictate how others react to you.  Live your life as fully as you can.

 

Honestly I don't think many of us wanted this struggle but here we are.  I can attest that once you get past the point of accepting yourself it isn't hard.  I'm happy now.  Yes, I left behind parts that I liked but I think I've gained so much more.  You can adopt a more masculine attitude and appearance if it makes you comfortable.  You can mix and match what you wear.  You said you were fine with dresses so mix it up a bit depending on how you feel each day.  There is no need to disappear!  

 

You may not need or want testosterone.  What do you think would make you happy?  Some of the changes with T are permanent, like lowering of the voice.  It doesn't happen overnight but physical changes come along with mental ones.  Have you considered speaking with a counselor?  You may find it to be a positive experience. 

 

Cheers, Jani  

[Charlize]

Welcome SomePerson.   

 Glad you've joined us here.  It sounds like you are struggling to find yourself.  Perhaps the best thing is to take a deep breath and relax.  Simply questioning gender can certainly be an indication of being trans*.  From that point any number of paths are open to you and the timeline is totally yours as well.  I found that time here reading about others and posting about my own journey has helped me accept myself and move on.  Wonderfully i've come to accept that my feelings and self discovery continues to develop.  

Try to enjoy the journey.  We are here to helps we can.  You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

Hi SomepersonMT,

Welcome to TransPulse. I'm glad you're here!

 

Even after I initially admitted to myself that I was transgender, I looked everywhere trying to find something that would prove that I was not trans. Acceptance can be difficult. But once I finally did accept, I became much more comfortable with myself and things, even with the fears and doubts that came with it. You are not alone. We are here for you.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[MaryEllen]

Hello SomepersonMT,

 

WElcome to TransPulse.

 

MaryEllen

[SomepersonMT]

Thank you everyone who has commented on my post. each of these comments have given me the guts to tell my partner about my concerns, I was worried, but he was actually really understanding. I'm taking baby steps to finding myself, but it's still progress even if slow.