Uhm... I am accepting that many found out on their own....

[elizabeth22]

Okay so i dont know how this happened but i can hypothesis due to the nature of who things are recorded for QnA blah blah blah... and... well here i go...

Last year i was contemplating suicide because i stufffed myself down so far mentally i kinda blacked out , perhaps forcing a dissociation from the world because i literaly experienced how no one gives a damn.  So when i came too like a day or two later.... i saw a wierd like what the heck happened to meI situation.

 

First i wake up in bed and i dont notice what i am wearing, i notice the chocolate cake in bed next to me and then i notice... im wearing a womens night gown. now i lkinda like blogged somewhere else like i stuffed down the bitterness about my name and had different girl names... idk... so last year when this happened, i was like mentally in the "questioning" stage for a long time but when i noticed like the apartment rearrrenged, perfume bottles and i smelled all girly... well heck the nice smells on me made me so gorrgy, plus having cholcate cake for breakfast and feeling all peaceful ifell back asleep....

well wait, what about my employer.... so i get on my phone to see a self note saying that i called in sick for a few days... HUHH?? well i wasnt thinking about money so i thought it was nice at the moment that i kinda ... tried to i suppose self sooth myself when i dissociated because i was so relaxed....

 

the tip of the ice berg is when i noticed my nails when i woke up later... idk... all my life my parents told my sister not to put makeup on me and since i used the crisi line before when i had psychotic breaks i called them because despite earlier feeling so calm, at this time i was worried i was LOOSING myself to some other mental thing... idk... i didnt know what to think so they mobile cris teeam came out not knowing what to expect.  so they saw what i wore... my nails sorta halfway scrapped off the nail polish (i suppose when i went manic shopping i didnt think to buy the remover but the polish on the feet was laaid on differently it was hard to remove...

 

anyhow.. they came in and i waas like... what is happening to me?  i told them how my life was hell, heck i met with them so many times because of suicidal or psychotic episodes in the past... but despite feeling at first calm about it, it bothered me once i thought... i walked in public without being mentally there? how would iknow how to avoid getting hit by a car if it was like sleep walking... so i basically was asking if this was like sleep walking or something ... they had a totally diffferent connclusion

 

since they knew about the emotinal traumas of my life, they figured i induced a secondary personality that laid dorment because it was like i wanted to say i was a girl at a young age but couldn't.  so what they were saying is i had a hard time saying i was a girl, because of a personality shift over the gender lines... so they were suggesting therapy and "merging" the personalities over time....

come to find out later, when calling the "crisis line" and using them... well that gets read by the police.. which gets read by.... it goes on and on... and trickles

 

but then from there... there was another leaky faucet.  when i stayed in a public massive shelter in dallas, many many many people saw how when i got discharged from a mental facility, due to someone stealing my clothes... the staff was like "unfortunatly all we have are these womens sweats and sweater. you want..." and i was like... i dont care i want to get out anyway.   so i wandered downtown first thinking it was parnoia, and voices but when i was at the shelter... yeah... people kinda caught on because after a while... with everything in my life and sitting in the therapy at the bridge... i figured... the trapped girl personalty was kinda me and at that point i was moved past questioning to accepting it... especially since at the shelter they were treating me as trans anyway and talking about the city's resources.... but that created a bigger leaking faucet because of the many people that stay there... that recognize me each time i go through down town.

 

soooo....

 

i suppose there are some things out of our control, that we cannot change  and only focus on the things we can change, like how to move forward and be the person that should ejnjoy life despite what the public thinks

 

the only GAY thing for me though... is ever sense then, the bias and lying and mistreatment by the different resources in dallas

 

its like, living a new life where my name has no meaning to me anymore because before i ever started any transitioning, people ... well i never considered the fact that my chest may be ... and ... people have said i act girly... when i dont think .... some of seen me twirl my hair ever since i moved out of my parents house and grew my hair out.... 

 

so idk... the emotional part... is i have social anxiety because of how all ... i cant... i ll just post this.

[Jani]

I don't know what to tell you Elizabeth except its ok to write your thoughts down as a way of coping with the changes you're going through.  

All my best. 

Jani

[VickySGV]

Be in ongoing contact with a therapy team for now.  I do know people with Dissociative Identity Disorder and from time to time we have had members and even a moderator long ago who have it.  Gender Transition has helped one or two of the people I know, but they still need constant grounding with care teams although contact with their Trans friends who are trusted with the selves does a lot.  It can take a fairly long time because the causes of DID go back years and years.  Since our moderator staff has seen this before, feel free to write what you need to if it helps you. It si a challenge but it can be controlled.

[Carolyn Marie]

I agree fully with Vicky on this, Elizabeth.  If you have a psychologist or psychiatrist treating you, please talk to them, and if not, please try your best to find someone or a team to assist you.  Dallas is a big city, and I'm certain that they have resources you can take advantage of.  Feel free to talk more with us too, because we understand what you're going through.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[elizabeth22]

Okay so a lot has happened.  I would up being assualted in my home in Dallas and Dallas PD ..all they did was admit me impatient because they noticed I was emotionally sprialling on the Dallas support lines.  So then I sought help from a different county only to realize this whole transgender thing is socioligically -toasted- me over in over in Dallas.  But even before I ever sought therapy I never saw gender barriers because my mom despite being religious would periodically give me shoes sweaters and ladies shirts growing up.  With that and remembering how he taught me to "wipe" in the restroom.. I was gender fluid despite my parents also trying to get me to do manly things and being yelled...

 

So I relocated to Austin because so many online said how much more accepting Austin is. I'm in a new group home after my first one being a mishap and emotionally broke me and I was in 24 suicide care downtown.  My new home is way chill and I already had a gay person notice my havits and I quired... I did t go into detail but I was like yeah... I'm non binary so he had a car and he helped me settle into this new home.  I love it.  My new clinic here handles PCP hrt psych therapy and can do referrals and the biggest thing they didn't so no he can't do that and cut me short and hung up like in Dallas.  I love this 

 

So Liz in my head respected that I wanted to go by AJ but when I came down here.. idk.. Liz and Stephanie we kinda discussed a delimna of he and her and trying to just stick to one pronoun which led to an internal conflict.  The facilities down her and impatient respect the her pronoun alot easier even though I esxplain I'm an emotional wreck after my life being -toasted- over more after trying to except myself (tears) despite how people treat me.

 

In Dallas I internally got so fed up I had to dissociate from so much  which created that psyche imablance and also making my dreams all funky.  Now when I close my eyes instead instead of seeing like a totally different girl... I see Mee growing mentally.  

 

So in short it was a discrimination thing from emplyment down to living in group home that snapped me.

 

Now in this group home I found I can be myself because a guy her is pretty chill with me.  I also got people local that I talked to over time online that now I been in Austin over a week they are FB or calling me saying they can help with support groups too!!!

 

(Tears)

 

I lost so much to get to this point

[VickySGV]

That sounds like you are on the way to good things.  Being accepted by other people on the outside is going to calm things down inside of you greatly and give you a chance to find which of you is the most able to be the outside person.  I hear some hope for you here,   I am very glad you are in a good  place.

[elizabeth22]

Well when I emotionally broke and wound up impatient the staff was trying to accommodate and ask if I go by he or her and despite being so messed with I emotionally broke on the unit and said (it) (a thing) "I don't know anymore".  So a therapist / social worker worked on tearing (walls down) and I showed her my Austin packet about trans health I got from a facility in DFW.  Sadly I didn't know or want to say it but I did... Her.. F... but stuck in this traumatic mess of ma'am and sir and at the worst I never started HRT.  Heck that even baffled her.  That's when I'm like the philosphical question... Who am I? So she helped me helped communicate to the doc like at other places about my emotionally -toasted- up.... So they go instead of overhauling my meds... They just want to know they can discharge me and i won't emotionally spiral too far..