Where to start?

[Ronin82]

I don't know how to even BEGIN addressing my situation with my family! I have told a few people like my two best friends, my therapists, and a distant cousin who I'm close to, but no one else really knows, and I'm fighting the urge to post something publicly on Facebook! The problem with my family is I have lots of secrets due to the level of dysfunction and religious issues that abound. After listening to my parents and brother make all kinds of theological and political rants, I know they won't accept me. however, I have to live with them for the present time. I'm hoping to begin some transitioning, but I don't know how to go about telling them before I start showing up as male. Its already in the works for my parents and I to have a "discussion" with a 3rd party facilitator present, but that's about other issues (indirectly related to my trans-ness). I don't want to blast them with EVERYTHING at this session, but I don't know how long I can hide my gender switch while living in their house?

 

How do I go about telling my parents a truth they can't accept? They do love me, but I don't know if this will be too much for our relationship to take. I'm working on finding a job that will at least give me enough income to live independently so if they choose not to associate with me, I'll be ok. But what if they find out before I can leave? Do I run the risk of being kicked out of the house and tell them the full truth sooner rather than have them find out when they can't help but notice the physical changes anymore??? Sigh, so confusing....

[Zedarius]

4 hours ago, Ronin82 said:

I don't know how to even BEGIN addressing my situation with my family! I have told a few people like my two best friends, my therapists, and a distant cousin who I'm close to, but no one else really knows, and I'm fighting the urge to post something publicly on Facebook! The problem with my family is I have lots of secrets due to the level of dysfunction and religious issues that abound. After listening to my parents and brother make all kinds of theological and political rants, I know they won't accept me. however, I have to live with them for the present time. I'm hoping to begin some transitioning, but I don't know how to go about telling them before I start showing up as male. Its already in the works for my parents and I to have a "discussion" with a 3rd party facilitator present, but that's about other issues (indirectly related to my trans-ness). I don't want to blast them with EVERYTHING at this session, but I don't know how long I can hide my gender switch while living in their house?

 

How do I go about telling my parents a truth they can't accept? They do love me, but I don't know if this will be too much for our relationship to take. I'm working on finding a job that will at least give me enough income to live independently so if they choose not to associate with me, I'll be ok. But what if they find out before I can leave? Do I run the risk of being kicked out of the house and tell them the full truth sooner rather than have them find out when they can't help but notice the physical changes anymore??? Sigh, so confusing....

 

I appologise, its kinda long...

 

This kind of situation sucks. I can speak for experience myself. Though in my case, getting kicked out was one of the... better... possible outcomes (with certain people).

 

I can't tell you what to do, or what would be best to do in your circumstance - I'm not you, nor am I in your situation.

 

I am going to bring 2 things up though - as they are very important to consider, before doing anything.

 

1. Your own safety has to come first - if you think telling them could result in situations where your own safety could be in danger, it may be best to wait until your able to be away, or able to be independant after telling them.

2. If getting kicked out is a likely threat - you need to have a backup plan for if this happens - whether it's being able to live somewhere else temporarily (whether its until you can support yourself, or just in the case that the first reaction is bad, or the after reactions turn bad), or being able to get your own place: renting, roommates, etc.

 

I can't tell you a way where they'll be able to accept the truth. They either will, or they won't. It may take a while for them to accept it, or they may never. Again, I can't tell you what will happen with your relationship with them, it may get better, or it could potentially end. Its a possible risk that comes with it.

 

I hope this doesn't sound too negative... ?  That's not my intention...

 

All I can say is to tell them when you're ready to, don't feel like you have to tell them right now. 

 

If its easier/better you may decide to have a Therapist with knowledge about trans issues, or a Gender Therapist help you when you decide to do it...

There are a ton of different ways to "tell" them. I, myself, did it through letters, Facebook, and face-to-face with some people. (Letters and FB more; cause many people don't let me talk before going off on whatever).

 

Hair, clothing, etc. isn't too much of a change, but I'd probably do it before any obvious/major changes if your planning/taking HRT...

 

How it goes is up to you, and them. 

 

I do hope it all goes well, whatever you decide to do. 

[Zedarius]

Again, I apologise if this sounds overly negative.  

 

It isn't my intention to, nor is it my intention to scare anyone away from coming out... ?

 

I just think its better to be prepared for anything that could happen - whether its a good or bad outcome...

[JBfox]

 Zedarius, is right. I think there are quite a few others who would echo something similar too. I know there's a lot of inpatient's in transitioning, especially at the very beginning. But, your health and safety should always come first! Take the time you need to make a proper plan, and have preparations to get the heck out of there if you need to.

 I would suggest, to ease things, that maybe you could start HRT before having this talk, but without coming out socially. It might help get some of that angst out of the way. However, I know that sometimes, yes, changes are fast and I've seen a lot of trans men have some speedy chances early on. YMMV.  So it's definitely going to take some risk vs reward analyzes.

 As for your parents. I know it's super scary. I was 100% certain my father was going to lose it when I told him, and that things were going to be over, and I was 50/50 on my mother. I wrote them a letter, it's what worked for me. To my surprise things went far more smoothly than I prepared myself for. It's not super great, and there's still a lot of awkward ness involved, but we're functioning.

 So, yeah, you never know how someone's going to react to this kind of information and I know it's stressful to think about the risks and all the negative possibilities.  I wish you the best, and I hope all goes well with it! Please take your safety first and foremost.

-V

[VickySGV]

There is good stuff in the letters above and it is cautious, but not negative, just realistic. You can make subtle changes in your appearance that will make you feel better under the heading of fashion.  Jeans with a plainer cut, even T-shirts.  Not wearing some jewelry or accessories.  Sports bra instead of a more cupped one, but be careful it is not too tight on you.  IF your therapist and an Endocrinologist decide you should be on HRT, the normal onset time for noticeable changes is three to six months and even there if personal modesty is respected in your home those may not be noticed for even longer. (I was on HRT for two years before anyone really caught on.) Your idea to have a third party facilitator is excellent, but even there you can be personal to each member, but once a single one knows, the secret is out to all, I know from my experience.  We use the motto here "TAKE BABY STEPS" but you will arrive at your goal.

[Ronin82]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. You are are right. I'm just freaking out. Funny thing, I'm already pretty masculine in my hair, fashion, and mannerisms. I refuse to wear a bra at all unless I'm at work, and I'm ALWAYS running around the house in my boxers and a v-neck t-shirt instead of real clothes. They're ok with that since I do know how to "dress appropriately" when the situation warrants it. Honestly, I don't think its going to be as horrible as I imagine, but since this deals with their beliefs in a religious cult, I just don't know. I like the letter idea, and if the 3rd person facilitator turns out well I may do that for telling my parents I'm trans too. We shall see... just looking forward to working again so I can actually afford to talk with my therapists and doctors about all this.

 

Funny thing, I've been doing some rehabilitative weight lifting after 5 years of medically necessary exercise avoidance, and after just 2 weeks I can already see excellent muscle definition again. Showed my mom, and she said I have an "almost perfect" body, and am a beautiful, athletic woman. I didn't correct her, just accepted the compliment in the spirit in which it was offered, but I'm so tired of being always referred to as mom's "beautiful girl".