How To Make My Mom Accepting?

[PurpleBlue]

I have a few questions to ask. 

 

I went to a doctor's appointment today and asked if I can go to therapy. My doctor said she has a therapist she thinks will be good for me. So I'm going to be seeing a therapist soon. I want to tell the therapist about being questioning. 

 

How could I bring up the topic of gender in the sessions? What could I say to the therapist? 

 

I am extremely anxious and scared. My mom is against LGBT people. I'm afraid of her being angry at me , never speaking to me again , hating me forever or not letting me explore my identity or transition whenever I come out to the therapist. 

 

How can I make my mom accepting of LGBT people?

So she won't hate me or be angry when I bring it up in therapy? 

 

I'm afraid that my mom will just dismiss my feelings and just say I'm confused. Because last year around Christmas time I had mentioned something about questioning my gender and even showed her information about nonbinary genders. She got really angry at me and kept saying that we need to go to church more and she kept calling me a girl and her daughter. 

 

I'm so scared and miserable. Please help me. 

 

 

 

 

[VickySGV]

You are just starting your journey and your nervousness and fear are very understandable. You do not have to have your mother present in your therapy sessions and in fact the therapist cannot discuss any of your issues with her.  Gender Dysphoria has a bunch of things involved in it that all by themselves would be a good reason to get some counseling, for now, use those as your reason to see a therapist.  You probably are having trouble with school work since the GD is taking up your mind, the school work stress though is why you need help.

 

I am afraid that your mother is going to be a tough nut to crack since she thinks a church is the answer to this, which, unless it is one of the Trans Accepting Churches, they will be reinforcing her views against your needs and probably going to be thinking that pray hard enough and it will go away, which it will not.  Coming out to her is a ways down the road.  Your mother needs education on what type of person she has as a child. 

 

Your mother thinks you are female because of what the doctor or midwife said when you were born.  Her expectation for what a girl is to be like rules her life, and for now your life.  When she does find out, she will need to grieve the daughter she expected she had for a while and will need space from you in all likelihood.  I am not "on her side" and telling you not to do this, but I am a grandparent who, as a parent had enough trouble accepting the changes in my THEN teenagers who were Cis Gender, and I am well educated in behavioral sciences.  (All are in their 40's today.)

With GD, you do have to make your changes, you  just do.  Taking it easy and with the help of a therapist who can even help you choose a time and method of telling your mother and other family members.  Take little steps such as changing your hair cut or even wearing T-shirts with a more male logo on them and other little things.  If your mother sees you are happier like that she will go along.  Eventually she will see a happy, but more male child, and start to soften.  Keep coming here and talking to us which will help you put dreams together into a plan of action for when you can do more for yourself.  Get your grades up so that a college or technical school away from your mother will give you a safe space. 

 

Be a little careful on this, but there are a group of  mothers of Trans Children who are happily referred to as Momma Bears for the children.  Stories they have written could be something you can find, and let your mother find them and come to you. 

[Charlize]

Vicky gives you some good thoughts.  My therapist was very helpful in helping me find a path towards coming out to my family.  

There are no magic spells to make your journey easy but my experience has shown me that being open and honest with my therapist helped me find peace with myself.  

We are here to help as we can.  You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KymmieL]

Your session with your therapist cannot be discussed with anyone else unless you say so. I just came out recently to my counselor and feels great. I have been seeing her for several years. My way of bringing it to her attention. I just wrote a letter outlining my thoughts and my apprehension about coming out. It was fantastic doing it. I learned a lot. She even introduced me to a therapist whom I have my first appointment with today.

My wife is like your mother she seems to hate the non Natural genders. I have yet to come out to her. I just hope our love will still bind us together. In a month it will be 33 years for us.

 

Good luck on your journey

 

Hugs

Kymmie

[PurpleBlue]

51 minutes ago, KymmieL said:

Your session with your therapist cannot be discussed with anyone else unless you say so. I just came out recently to my counselor and feels great. I have been seeing her for several years. My way of bringing it to her attention. I just wrote a letter outlining my thoughts and my apprehension about coming out. It was fantastic doing it. I learned a lot. She even introduced me to a therapist whom I have my first appointment with today.

My wife is like your mother she seems to hate the non Natural genders. I have yet to come out to her. I just hope our love will still bind us together. In a month it will be 33 years for us.

 

Good luck on your journey

 

Hugs

Kymmie

 

Writing a letter is a really good idea! I'm going to do that. Thanks. 

❤️

[PurpleBlue]

9 hours ago, VickySGV said:

You are just starting your journey and your nervousness and fear are very understandable. You do not have to have your mother present in your therapy sessions and in fact the therapist cannot discuss any of your issues with her.  Gender Dysphoria has a bunch of things involved in it that all by themselves would be a good reason to get some counseling, for now, use those as your reason to see a therapist.  You probably are having trouble with school work since the GD is taking up your mind, the school work stress though is why you need help.

 

I am afraid that your mother is going to be a tough nut to crack since she thinks a church is the answer to this, which, unless it is one of the Trans Accepting Churches, they will be reinforcing her views against your needs and probably going to be thinking that pray hard enough and it will go away, which it will not.  Coming out to her is a ways down the road.  Your mother needs education on what type of person she has as a child. 

 

Your mother thinks you are female because of what the doctor or midwife said when you were born.  Her expectation for what a girl is to be like rules her life, and for now your life.  When she does find out, she will need to grieve the daughter she expected she had for a while and will need space from you in all likelihood.  I am not "on her side" and telling you not to do this, but I am a grandparent who, as a parent had enough trouble accepting the changes in my THEN teenagers who were Cis Gender, and I am well educated in behavioral sciences.  (All are in their 40's today.)

With GD, you do have to make your changes, you  just do.  Taking it easy and with the help of a therapist who can even help you choose a time and method of telling your mother and other family members.  Take little steps such as changing your hair cut or even wearing T-shirts with a more male logo on them and other little things.  If your mother sees you are happier like that she will go along.  Eventually she will see a happy, but more male child, and start to soften.  Keep coming here and talking to us which will help you put dreams together into a plan of action for when you can do more for yourself.  Get your grades up so that a college or technical school away from your mother will give you a safe space. 

 

Be a little careful on this, but there are a group of  mothers of Trans Children who are happily referred to as Momma Bears for the children.  Stories they have written could be something you can find, and let your mother find them and come to you. 

 

This is so helpful! Thanks for the advice and I will be posting more these forums. ☺

[KymmieL]

I found writing easier for me to get my feelings across. I have done it a couple times before when I was having some issues with my wife.

 

Kymmie

[hmillerrr]

Hey! I came out to my parents and it didn't go well.. It hurt, I'm not going to sugar coat anything, but it got to a point (through the wonderful ppl on here actually) to where I am not going to let it stop me from seeking my chance at happiness whether it be as me or who they want me to be, happiness should always come first. never forget that. Best of luck to you, dear friend. Message me if u ever need to talk.

-Trevor

[MarcieMarie12]

For myself, there was definitely some distance created when I came out. It was almost a year until we talked again. After that the distance is a little less, but there may be more than just me coming out that caused it.

[Willow]

Hi,

 

In my opinion and based on my experience if you hit it off with your therapist, you will find it easy to talk to him or her and regardless of why you said you made the appointment, the Dysphoria will become easy to bring up.  Now, here is the don't do what I did.  I became so relaxed talking about my dysphoria with my therapist I started working out how to tell my wife.  (similar personality as your mother regarding GD) I spend all night one night writing her a letter because: I could edit what I said and how I said it before she saw/read or heard about it;  I had no idea how she would react but I felt I needed to tell her.  Bad Idea, it was way too soon.  

 

So, my advice is see the therapist.  Work out your GD to the point where you understand about yourself, your dysphoria and if possible determine if you are non-binary, or transgender or something else.  Finally, let the therapist help you with when, where and how to talk to your mother.

 

Your mother will always be your mother.  Yes, she might be difficult to talk to and may not be accepting to begin, but I think if you give her time to think it through and a chance to work out her own issues, you will be able to live your life and not lose your family.

 

Willow