Questioning Gender

[Guest]

Hi all. So I best fill you in on the basics. I’m Cal I’m 21, I have Aspergers syndrome and think I maybe trans MTF. However I am for all intensive purposes in a very bad place currently and don’t know if I can trust me feelings or myself for that matter of fact, or what role my Autism May play in all this. I recently started to consider myself Non-binary but that alone still does not feel right, I was a very late developer, In apart I guess to my autism. My first questions started around the age of 17 but in this last year I have only just started to explore those feelings. I have always been very, very feminine. I made friends/have friends who are girls mostly. I was bullied heavily in school and though I did not understand then, I was called Gay many times by my bullies. I also have been asked numerous times by people if I am Gay based on the way I act. Little do they know theirs more chance of me being a lesbian, at least in my mind.

 

I’m currently at a cross roads, I have only do some very basic things, painted my nails, got my hair dyed purple, wore some lipstick. But each made me feel something I never felt before. I also often imagine myself as a girl. However I also have allot of push back, like I have a struggle telling g myself it’s not just some obsession, or because I am very feminine. Anyway what I just need is insight, I want to try clothing next, but I am petrified and just so confused as to what I am doing if this is even right. I dislike being called a ‘man’ by people and generally all of the typical masculine behaviours. I don’t absolutely despise my body, but I greatly dislike my body hair and wish it would go away. As for others areas again don’t absolutely hate it, but I don’t like it either and luckily it’s very very small. I also have decently big ‘man’ boobs which I was teased for as a kid, but they never bothered me in fact it’s alwsys been quite the opposite.

 

I’m not sure how if at all any if your would factor my Autism into what I have said about all this, but please consider I am not the best at expressing my complicated thoughts on paper. Also I am being serious with what I am sharing here. However I know that GD and just general variance in gender can be higher in people with autism. In my case it only serves to make me feel that my feelings could be wrong because of my stupid Autism. I am not doubting what I am saying, it’s just I have a great deal of respect for women, transgender individuals and so on. I don’t want to feel like I a some sort of copy cat or undermining them in anyway. I just wish I knew what was going on. My mother knows I have concerns but not to this level. I am currently seeing my GP for anxiety and other mental heath issues but again have not said much about this topic. Just any advice or insight into figuring all this out would mean the world to me. Thank you for taking the time to read.

[Robin]

Hi Cal,

 

I am glad that you have joined us.  There are many people on this forum, with a massive amount of experience and advice to share.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, especially about being mistaken for a gay man.  I have experienced this on many occasions, and I did not know what I was doing "wrong" in order to make people perceive me this way.  Obviously, people can sense something different about me, which helps to convince me that I am not just imagining it.  I too feel that I am a lesbian, however unacceptable that may be to certain people.

 

When I was young, I was quite over weight, and I remember liking having boobs, even though I got teased about them.  I have got a lot of body hair, but it doesn't bother me.  I actually find body hair on women attractive, much to the amusement of people that I have mentioned it to.

 

I have very little knowledge about autism, but everything that you are saying appears to be perfectly reasonable to me.

 

Best wishes,

Robin.

[Jani]

Hello Cal.  Welcome!  
As to where you are...

8 hours ago, Cal said:

I’m currently at a cross roads, I have only do some very basic things, painted my nails, got my hair dyed purple, wore some lipstick. But each made me feel something I never felt before.

This is good!  Take your time.  This is not a race.  Do what makes you feel comfortable while staying safe.  Being scared is a normal feeling.  That's what we take it slow.  Let it sink in and enjoy the step before moving on to the next.   

 

Don't worry about how your autism level affects your gender.  You aren't a copy cat when you are being true to who you are.  I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist.  You might want to bring up your thoughts on gender at some point.  

 

Cheers, 

Jani

[jo jo]

its ok im on the autism spectrum aswell but very low down i find if im taken out of routine or uniformity it stresses me out completely but since coming out and expressing my feelings have helped a lot the community mental health team was brilliant and so was most people in my workplace so enjoy your journey and keep intouch

[Ronin82]

I'm also on the Autism Spectrum and have realized that I've been transgender my whole life! I was born female but I've hated everything about being female for as long as I can remember, so I'm looking at fixing the dysphoria as soon as I possibly can. I know as an Aspie its really hard to figure out emotions in general so I'm glad you're working with a therapist. Being true to who YOU are is paramount, even if you are scared to express it for now. I know it can seem like a typical obsession when you first start exploring your identity, but that can be a good thing. Education and experience are what make you certain about who you are, so go with it as long as it feels right for you. Good luck, and we support you!