Scared

[Ashlee]

Hi everyone. I'm just needing some guidance and experienced input. I am not ready to come out to anyone yet. This week I've been told a few things that havre me paranoid. Monday morning before work I stopped by my mom's house for coffee, like every other morning. She mentioned that she loved my hair long again but doesn't remember me looking so much like a girl. I looked way more feminine than I thought I do now the first time I attempted transitioning in my 20s and early 30s. Today a friend of mine I haven't seen in a while asked what  happened to me. He stated that he thought I looked like a gay girl(which is partially correct)  Part of me was really happy but part of me is terrified.

  Things seem to be happening more quickly than I thought they would or maybe its all in my head and I'm paranoid people are guessing. I get looked at strangely in the mall and in public. Today my boobs hurt so bad all day long. Especially my right one. It hurts so bad i took Tylenol. It still hurts now. I haven't been on hrt for very long at all. I was on blockers for about a month and then both blokers and E for about the last five weeks. I didn't think only on blockers for a month would really count or do anything so I didn't count it as "hrt". Was I wrong? I get blood work again in November and will know whats going on. Am not planning on coming out to people for a while. Sometime after new years but I'm scared  I won't be able to hide it for 4 or 5 months. Its this normal? I thought breasts growth was later on snd feminization took a long time.

  I am going to try and attach a picture of myself when I was really heavy and depressed about 9 months ago (please go easy on me. I know I look really bad and unhappy) and one a about 2 or 3weeks ago and one now. No filters or snapchat or anything. I hate the way I look. Im struggling with self image but think im getting better.  My girlfriend does know and loves me regardless she says. She doesn't live here though. Other than her I'm terrified of coming out. I live in an extremely prejudice small and small minded town. 

[Susan]

Hey. It is normal to be scared. yes your breasts can get sore in a few weeks of being on hrt. Mine started getting sore about 2 to 3 weeks after starting hrt. Your emotions are starting to change as well. for me, coming out is getting easier. I just came out to my supervisor and a couple of people at work and they were very cool about it. one even congratulated me on it. So you are not alone. I have been thru the same thing. I even had a little set back on getting my name legally changed.be patient. things will get better but somedays will be a struggle. Hope i helped you. Susan

[Ashlee]

Thank you. I think I thought I'd have more time to prepare myself or move or switch jobs or something. Im kinda panicking I guess because people are asking things. Leaving my job is not an option because im the boss and really like my income. I do want to run and hide a lot and holy smokes! I read about brest pains but it hurts more than I thought it would. I try not show it but its difficult. 

[Susan]

Eventually you won't be able to hide it. I am in the same boat. I love my job and I work with all men but that isn't going to stop me. I just came out the other day to a co worker and if took it well. So I'm time, I will come out to others. You will feel better as time goes on. You said it yourself. Take it one day bub time. Hope this helps! Susan

[Susan]

Btw. Try wearing a sports bra. It does help. I love them! I wear a 36aa  bra to work and it helps protect them form getting bumped and hurting. 

[Ashlee]

Just now, stbSusan said:

Btw. Try wearing a sports bra. It does help. I love them! I wear a 36aa  bra to work and it helps protect them form getting bumped and hurting. 

Thanks uou. I'll definitely try that. Hopefully I get used to it quickly.

Just now, Ashlee said:

brest

Breast

[Susan]

You can find them on Amazon for I think 18 bucks for 2 of them. I have 4 bras and like 6 or so sports bras. 

[Kirsten]

You listen to Susan. She’s a smart lady. The bra is huge!! It’ll help soo soo much. 

Hrt does work fast. But it looks way more noticeable to you than it does to others I think. You don’t have any reason to share any of what’s going on with you if you choose not to. You are the captain of this boat. What you say goes. I was convinced everyone could tell I was weird looking when I decided to come out. And a couple of people knew before I told them. But it wasn’t the hrt it was my hair growing out. 

Try not to worry about what other people think. Try not to dwell on your look now. Just try to find yourself in there. Share what you want with who you want when you want to. I think you look beautiful in your picture too. You do look very different. You look HAPPY!!! Keep it up girl! 

Kirsten 

[Jani]

Ashlee you actually look great!  What a change!  Kirsten is right about people noticing the hair first and wondering.  As to breast growth, the first part is the worse as far as pain but it will subside.  You can never really tell how much they will grow but wearing loose fitting shirts will help in hiding them if you want to go that route.  As to how long this all takes, remember that puberty is a several year long process, but that doesn't mean there can't be significant changes early on.  Don't fret!  Have you considered talking to your mother? 

Jani

[Ashlee]

Thamk you all. Im so happy ro have  a place to actually ask questions and talk openly about these things. I probably wouldn't have stopped transitioning the firts time if I knew a place like this 15 years ago. Jani, I kinda brought it up to my mom a little bit ago and she said basically that I'm not a girl. I used to wear long black flowing shirts,  fishnets, makeup and had red and black long hair with bangs. She hated it. She actually said she was glad I "grew out of being girly." I know she loves me though. I really need to live for me now. I'm so so depressed and dysphric (still dysphric) when I vet "boyish" or whatever. Right after my son's wedding even i changed into my stretch jeans and black slim top. I can't stand baggy, itchy boy clothes. I even just bought sports bras at the store and had a long conversation with the cashier about room decor. No big deal. As long as I don't know them, I guess I don't really care what they think. Its the people I know I guess