Confused

[mochi90]

Part of the problem with having bpd means that I am highly impressionable or easily influenced. By everything. Books, television, movies. 

 

Lately I have been reading a lot of YA lit because I partake in the Goodreads reading challenge every year and YA is one of the my favorite genres. Idk if you know this or not, but because it is widely presumed that boys do not read as much as girls, most YA lit is written from a female perspective and thus marketed towards females. Good YA lit is relatable and the books I have been reading are very relatable, but they also have me questioning my transness because they make being a girl seem so....Appealing? 

 

Idk. I just feeling everything is pushing me to be a girl. Like I follow autumn blogs on Tumblr and they're all full of pictures of girls in sweater-dresses, playing with leaves or wearing long-stockings. And, it's just....Yes, I like those things. On girls. On other people. On me, I hate the attention they draw. I hate the work I have to put in to be perceived as pretty.

 

But ever since I came out as trans, I am so envious of other trans guys. Especially their hair. I hate my freaking hair. I don't know how to style it, so I don't and so half of the time, I just walk around like some weird, androgynous thing with a bad haircut. And I'm so frustrated and confused.

 

Am I still a trans man if I relate to females or if I use words like cute or pretty? 

[Carolyn Marie]

Mochi, if you feel like a man in any way, shape or form, and identify that way, even if its just to yourself, for any part of the hour or day or month, then you are rightly a trans man.  There is a reason the "gender spectrum" is called that; there are as many types and styles and ways of being trans as there are people.  One is not better or worse or more "legitimate" than any other.  At least that is how we feel at this site; other forums and other members of this thing we call a community have other ideas.  I prefer our way of thinking (which explains why I'm here and not somewhere else.  Duh!).

 

I hope that helps just a little, hon.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Jani]

Mochi I agree with Carolyn Marie, you are a guy if you say so.  There is no prescribed way a guy should be or act.  All people are individuals and therefore different.   Unfortunately its women that post the vast majority of those "autumn" blogs you see, so they will be slanted towards other women.  Guys just don't post that type of stuff, although they may enjoy seeing it.  

 

I seem to think that YA lit is a fairly wide spectrum also and that if you looked you should find male centric books to read.  Whether they are to your taste is up for conjecture but try a couple to see if they interest you.  

 

Being envious is normal, particularly at this early stage of transition.  Try not to get sucked into the vortex where it is all consuming and destructive.  Take things slowly and at a pace you are comfortable with.  Its not a race.

 

Hugs, Jani  

[mochi90]

Thanks for posting, guys. I know that I am a guy and that deep down there is nothing girly about liking autumn or reading books. I don't need to be an ascribed macho jock. I just need to be me. 

[Jani]

Just now, mochi90 said:

I just need to be me. 

Amen to that!