Good morning All. Coffees on.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, 2beBreanna said:

Dr Z. PhD put out a new video yesterday that screwed with my head big time.  It started out good and really talking to me then she said one thing that I can't stop thinking about.  She said you should not transition until all else has failed.  Now I'm thinking would anything else help with these feelings?  The questioning phase really sucks.

 

It's normal to question yourself I think. Especially before you do something you can't take back. I think a better take would be, "Make sure that this is absolutely what you need." I understand Doctor Z trying to spare people with different issues from transitioning and realizing that they're making a mistake, but that's why we have gatekeepers. The therapists and psychologists we have to see are supposed to be helping keep people from making a mistake.

 

My therapist and I talk about this sometimes. She sees a a fair number of trans-men who want to transition because being a woman is much harder than being a man in America. Or they have sexual trauma, or any number of things that make them think, "I don't want to be a girl anymore." It seems to be less common in MtF. Especially us older girls. We fight hard against the idea of transitioning or that we need to. Even so, I'm glad the health care I had access to reviewed my case and made sure we were on the same page for my transition.

I still wish I'd done it sooner.

 

Hugs!

[Elizabeth Star]

1 hour ago, 2beBreanna said:

Dr Z. PhD put out a new video yesterday that screwed with my head big time.  It started out good and really talking to me then she said one thing that I can't stop thinking about.  She said you should not transition until all else has failed.

This statement bothers me a little. My last suicide attempt failed due to an off-chance phone call. Is she telling me to try again?

[Emily michelle]

I don’t agree with that statement. If you think you are trans then you should seriously consider transitioning. Putting it off creates more problems. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. Exhausting all your options seems like just continuing to be miserable.

 

Happy new year everyone! My wife and I made it till 10 which I thought was good considering I got up at 3am to go to work 

[Willow]

@2beBreanna I am quite surprised a gender therapist would say anything like that.  I have to admit that after I was told i was Trans by my therapist, I was elated to know there was a reason I was the way I was.  But over the next couple of months, I continued to question was her sure?  After all I had been a man (well sort of) for 70 years at that point.  After the third time he got out the diagnosis book and went through his notes, you said this, its documented here until there was clearly no doubt.  And yet, I am not full time and I still wonder about it.  Is it a phase?  An experiment?  An excuse to cross dress? My PC was very concerned for me but flat out said it was against his practice ethics to give anyone, including menopausal cis women hormones.  But he did get me referred to my Endocrinologist.  

 

@ElizabethStar it sounds so nice to be waited upon by such an understanding person.  The only thing I can get is not being misgendered or looked at like a crazy person.

 

So, if the standard cup of coffee is 8 ounce, I'm on my third cup today.  Highly unusual for me.  I'll probably regret that later.  1st day of the New Year, first DEP shot of the New Year.  No I didn't plan this when I started last November.  My wife is not happy about the shots, refuses to be any where near when I do it.  We have our days, good and bad.  Today started out as a good day but I suspect it will turn bad.

 

So are the snow flakes just that or do they represent our tears too?  

 

Hugs

 

Willow

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Emily michelle said:

Putting it off creates more problems. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. Exhausting all your options seems like just continuing to be miserable.

@ElizabethStar, @2beBreannaI agree with Emily here. My stress hasn't reduced so much sine coming out to my wife and the months of slowly showing her I'm becoming a better partner in our lives. I no longer isolate from everyone, hiding in my shop. I'm ready to go shopping with her, and talk openly with my Suzie.

 

Hugs,

[Willow]

@Mmindy 'deadname' and Willow have very different personalities.  Willow likes brighter colors, eats different foods, is less afraid of people.  Most of that carries over to 'deadname' now since Willow doesn't come out every day.  it would be nice if I could but my wife is afraid of the way people might view her.  And I have finally made more friends where we live than she has but I am afraid I would loose a significant percentage of them.  Lets face it, there aren't many states more determined to ignore and make life difficult for Trans than SC.  LGB have more acceptance and rights than we do.  Laws primarily ignore us.  Even NC who once led the fight against Trans is more accepting.

 

We don't fight about it nor is there much risk of separation BUT that doesn't equate to acceptance either, more tolerance than anything.

 

Willow

[Audrey]

I just watched the Dr. Z video. I agree with @2beBreanna that her statement sends the wrong message. It almost feels like the video is trying to reach people who haven't sought out any mental health support for the gender identity and expression to fully explore their thoughts and feelings. In other words, the questioning phase. I think for many of us past the questioning phase, it boils down to a fundamental truth or choice: transition, or die. To me, that's not a choice. I don't exaggerate when I say transition is saving my life. Some of us have done many destructive things to cope with dysphoria and the depression, anxiety, and just general misery associated with it. Myself included. And if some of them had succeeded, we might not even be here. Myself included.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Ivy]

Happy New Year people.

Can't say as I'll miss 2020.  But there were good things too, to be honest.

I just stayed up and binge watched Netflix.  It was okay, but I did feel lonely.

2021 is starting out gloomy and rainy here.

[KathyLauren]

3 hours ago, 2beBreanna said:

Dr Z. PhD put out a new video yesterday that screwed with my head big time.  It started out good and really talking to me then she said one thing that I can't stop thinking about.  She said you should not transition until all else has failed.  Now I'm thinking would anything else help with these feelings?  The questioning phase really sucks. 

 

I don't think she is saying to delay transitioning.  Most of us older trans folk have already tried and failed at everything else.  There is typically no more trying to do except transition itself.

 

By the time I was 60, I had a lifetime of trying to play the role of a male.  Didn't work.  I had tried cross-dressing.  It helped a bit, but not enough.  I had tried being secretive about my true identity.  Didn't work.  The only things I hadn't tried were carrying on the way I had been until I died, or transitioning. 

 

I think that is probably what she is getting at: taking an inventory of what you have tried, and assessing how well it worked for you.  It is aimed at younger people, I think, who do not yet have a lifetime of failed attempts to assess.  It is not about looking for something else to try.  It is, once you know that nothing else works, it is time to move forward.

[2beBreanna]

4 hours ago, ElizabethStar said:

This statement bothers me a little. My last suicide attempt failed due to an off-chance phone call. Is she telling me to try again?

No trying anything like that. You got the call to save you and to let you shine.  

 

Thanks everyone for the feedback on this.  It helps getting everyone's take on it.  I've been talking with my wife this morning about these feelings all morning.  She is accepting but hesitant of me transitioning.  I understand that. 

[Mmindy]

@Willow when I came out to Suzie, her reaction as you may remember, was through the roof anger, and she immediately rushed out of the house outing me to our grown children and their spouses. The four of them tried to explain to Suzie that it really explains a lot about my closeted tendencies and isolation. She was further angered by their acceptance. My coming out tactics or timing was totally wrong because I didn't know Suzie like I thought I did. I'm even considering keeping my give name because a favorite actress of mine shares it, and I use her as an example of bucking the norm. My son has seen me work emergency situations with ?️‍? LGBTQ leanings, and was totally blown away by my compassionate approach to protect the victim(s) with nonjudgmental care, concern, and follow up. He even admitted to me after I was outed, he was changing how he approached raising or grooming his own children. 

 

I have always advised people wanting to start their own business that the only regret I have, is that I didn't do it earlier. This is the same theme being played out in transition. I also advised them to grow their business slowly, reciting this quote. "You want to grow like an Oak, not a weed."-Unknown This is also a theme for my transition, grow slow with strong character, and resolve to be the person I've always felt I should be. In my vision and hope for the future, the only people I don't want to loose are my Suzie, our children, and grandchildren. Everyone else is on a take it or loose it bases. Someone earlier this year on the Forums referred to coming out as a misstatement. (paraphrasing) 

 

"We shouldn't look at it as coming out, but as letting people in, it's  your choice to include people into your new or changed life."-Someome on TransPulseForums 

 

Bling veiled hugs for everyone,

 

Mindy???

[2beBreanna]

@Mmindy
Two great quotes in that last post.  Love the reference to growing like an oak not a weed. 

[Mmindy]

Thank you @2beBreanna Happy New Year 2021 

[Gabriel]

6 hours ago, 2beBreanna said:

She said you should not transition until all else has failed.  Now I'm thinking would anything else help with these feelings?

 

I saw the same video and got stuck at the same place. I've been thinking - can I stay in this land of nowhere? Today I went to dinner and celebrate the new year with my family and, even if they are amazing and are ok with my transness, they call me my new name when they remember but misgender me in every other word - pronouns, nouns, adjectives... Even when they are ok with it all, and I know I need to give them more time, it hurts. So, can I say I am male and stay physically like this? Is there anything else I can do when I'm already dressing male 24/7 and I have come out? I guess I need to give myself more time, but this sucks.

[Willow]

Hi, to everyone that has offered assistance for getting the flywheel off my engine:

 

I found a shop manual for my engine on line and I was able to download it.  The shop manual is not particularly detailed but it shows the teardown and rebuild steps.  

according to said shop manual there is nothing holding my flywheel to the crankshaft except the corrosion.  So, a little heat, some acid to break the rust and some PB Blaster next week when i get home and we will see what happens.

 

Willow

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Gabriel said:

I saw the same video and got stuck at the same place. I've been thinking - can I stay in this land of nowhere? Today I went to dinner and celebrate the new year with my family and, even if they are amazing and are ok with my transness, they call me my new name when they remember but misgender me in every other word - pronouns, nouns, adjectives... Even when they are ok with it all, and I know I need to give them more time, it hurts. So, can I say I am male and stay physically like this? Is there anything else I can do when I'm already dressing male 24/7 and I have come out? I guess I need to give myself more time, but this sucks.

 

I'm all for waiting until you're sure, but there's no reason not to start the process if you are. I mean I suppose you could wear fake facial hair along with everything else you're doing but transition is not a quick process. There are a bunch of steps. The sooner you get the gears in motion, the sooner you can get to where you can start living your life on your terms.

I think doctors focus too much on the dysphoric elements of being trans instead of approaching it from the euphoria angle. If physical transition in some form is what is going to make you happy, start moving towards making that your new reality.

 

Best of luck!

 

Hugs!

[Willow]

@Gabriel I think before you get too hung up on your family misgendering you, you need to consider who you have been to them all your life up to this point.  It can be very difficult even for supportive family to switch pronouns and names.  Falling back comes natural.

 

Now, do not misinterpret me, I'm not saying its ok.  And you shouldn't allow it to prevent you from living your life as you see fit.  but you do need to politely remind people that this is not a choice you made it is caused by mixups in your DNA and or Chromosomes.  And since this is the way your are they should try to make a little more effort.  Obviously use your own words.

 

Frankly, I frequently use the incorrect pronoun for an individual I have only known as a trans woman.  It is more embarrassing to me than to her.  But I have figured out that her short name is too neutral to even masculine, but her full new name is not.  I only call her by that full name now so my mind doesn't switch to male on me.  Something planted in their minds to prevent the natural switch in sex?

 

I don't know that this is much help.

 

Willow

[Abi]

I have been watching Dr. Z's videos for a while now. I think the interpretation of her video has been a bit off from how she meant her words, though I can't say for sure. I do not speak for her. The way I took her message was not to avoid transition if we know it's what we need but, to be clear about what options we have and not try to skip to the biggest steps without exploring the little ones first. If we do not take the time to explore our feelings, then we could easily make decisions that put us in dangerous places. Not to mention, the experiences we have getting there are a big part of how we remain mentally and physically healthy and happy. To me it just felt like she was saying to try the little things and let the way they make you feel be your guide. If we do the small things and they feel good but they are not enough to subside the dysphoria, then I am sure her advice would not be to stay in a place of misery. Just my perspective of course.

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Abi said:

To me it just felt like she was saying to try the little things and let the way they make you feel be your guide.

This is kinda what I got from it too.

[HollyElizabeth]

@Abi I love Dr. Z. She is amazing and has given me information that I didn't know about being transgender. She is amazing.

[Bri2020]

2 hours ago, Abi said:

I have been watching Dr. Z's videos for a while now. I think the interpretation of her video has been a bit off from how she meant her words, though I can't say for sure. I do not speak for her. The way I took her message was not to avoid transition if we know it's what we need but, to be clear about what options we have and not try to skip to the biggest steps without exploring the little ones first. If we do not take the time to explore our feelings, then we could easily make decisions that put us in dangerous places. Not to mention, the experiences we have getting there are a big part of how we remain mentally and physically healthy and happy. To me it just felt like she was saying to try the little things and let the way they make you feel be your guide. If we do the small things and they feel good but they are not enough to subside the dysphoria, then I am sure her advice would not be to stay in a place of misery. Just my perspective of course.

Agree.  It took me by surprise when I heard it so rewound and listened again.  I took it to to mean don't just jump into "I have to go full transition" as soon as you can.  Take the steps toward that goal and explore each step.  A lot of people who thought they would want to "fully pass" realise after HRT and therapy and other steps that they don't "need" to get all the surgeries, they become comfortable with where they are.  Thats why we have the care guidelines, so we take our time through this process.  I am finding that while I would love it if no one ever clocked me as trans, I've found that I am much more accepting of who and what I am right now that it doesn't bother me.  I'm not fixated on it like I was when I decided to transition.  I still think I will go full surgical mode at some point but the acceptance I've come too has really alleviated the daily pain. I think that's what's she trying to say. 

 

I join the rest of you and wish you all a blessed New Year.  Take all the good from 2020 on your journey into 2021 and leave that which doesn't help you behind.  

I celebrated New Year at 12:59pm GMT. lol.  I can't stay up till midnight in my own time zone. hahaha

@KymmieLgood luck with the job application, that sounds wonderful.

 

[Elizabeth Star]

I bought my first skirt today. My new years gift to myself. It's basic black and about ankle length. As much as I want to, I don't know if I have enough courage to wear out yet. I haven't told my wife yet either, per her "not wanting to know". I'll tell her tomorrow. I can't wear it anywhere without her seeing me leave so I'm gonna tell her before she sees it.

 

We also got in a bit of a heated discussion about me changing my name. I wanted to use my stimulus check, whenever I get it but she said no. Wants me to wait a couple months. I will not forget the deal she made. If it;s the smaller numbers than I wait, if we get the larger amount I can right away.

[Audrey]

@ElizabethStar

I'm sorry to hear about the heated conversation with your wife about legally changing your name. The financial cost, while high, is nothing compared to the emotional cost of being pushed back to your dead name repeatedly whenever a situation comes up where you need ID or to use your legal name for something. I do hope she'll come around to realize this.  I'm not clear what putting it off is trying to accomplish on her part, other than make you feel more stressed.

 

Also, yay to buying your first skirt! May you find the confidence to wear it! ❤️ 

 

Love,

~Audrey.

[Jackie C.]

It's a little cold for skirts right now. A peasant skirt in the summer though? Best thing ever.

 

Name change is really variable by state. I think mine cost about $300 all together, though some of that could have been waived if I proved financial hardship. The biggest pain in the butt would have been going down to the courthouse and all the waiting in line during COVID. That building was not designed for social distancing. You don't need that many copies of the court order though. I learned (afterwards naturally) that most places will happily take a photocopy. You don't need more than maybe two.

 

Hugs!

[KymmieL]

I'll agree with Jackie.A little on the chilly side for a skirt. Well depending on where you live, though.

 

@ElizabethStarSorry that your wife is pushing back on letting you shed your deadname. Since I found my families reaction to my transition. That is one subject I haven't even brought up to the wife. Once I am out of here, however the ball starts rolling.

 

Hugs,

 

Kymmie