Good morning All. Coffees on.

[RobynNYC]

good morning! 
 

I posted this in coming out but thought it wouldn’t hurt to cross post here. 
 

If I said I am not one for comics or web comics that would be an understatement.  But recently my social media feed had a link to a series called RealLife, a web comic that has been running since 1999, when the author was 18 or so. 

 

For close to 20 years, Greg Dean wrote about the banalities of everyday life with humor and wit and no shortage of deus ex-macchine moments in vanilla middle class cis-het normalcy. 

 

Then her egg cracked. 

 

Guys, the story arc is so touching; I’ve cried just just about every time I read the next installment. And because the author (now Mae) is chronicling events with a rough two-year lag, we can follow along in suspense knowing that things turn out for the better for her, her wife, and her daughter. 

 

Starting a few weeks before the egg story line begins is probably enough to give you the context for the coming-to-terms panels, without being overly burdensome.  

 

That starts about here: 

 

 

https://reallifecomics.com/comic.php?comic=june-15-2020

 

enjoy!

[Willow]

@Bri2020 I find the biggest thing that misgendered me was my voice. I have vocal issues anyway and if I forget or it doesn’t come out right I get sir’d instead of mame’d.   The more I go out as a woman the less it happens.  Once I went out as a man but was wearing a non gender wig and got mame’d until the person saw me from the front.  He fell all over himself apologizing I just let it go.  I don’t know if it’s better to make a fuss about the error or ignore it but I always ignore it.  Don’t let it get you down.  The more you look and act feminine the less you’ll get misgendered.  But it takes time.

 

Willow

[Willow]

So on to my day, it’s evening now and coffee was 12 hours ago.  The plan was to take the granddaughters out sailing.  Well first our daughter requested we shorten the plan. It was supposed to be 4 hours to the ocean several hours sailing on the ocean the back home 4 hours.

 

well we cut that plan short for our daughter.  Then i had a difficult time getting the boat ready to depart.  It didn’t help that it was very sunny and hot ?!  Finally let the lines go and headed out towards the ocean. 2 ½ hours later can’t we go back?  I had reall just found enough wind to sail.  I gave up and headed back ,all the time motor sailing ⛵️ instead of relying on the wind .  Got hit with a pretty big wake from ... the US Coast Guard. The passed us closer than I’d like and I had little time to correct my direction to head into the wake. Then we get to our marina and there’s the Coast Guard.

 

No they weren’t looking for me.  I let the rest of the family go home while I cleared the deck and stowed the sails and sheets.

 

Willow

[Jani]

1 hour ago, Willow said:

Got hit with a pretty big wake from ... the US Coast Guard. The passed us closer than I’d like and I had little time to correct my direction to head into the wake.

Bummer.  I had that happen years ago (not with CG) while in a smaller boat and the results were not fun. 

[KymmieL]

Well it is Monday. the day I said I was going to make my decision about leaving, and starting anew. It has been hard and still am not 100% sure on my decision. but I am going to take the job provided that  1: I am able to start Sept 1st.my wife and I are planning a trip the 2nd week in Aug. (Not going to Sturgis) to possibly visit my oldest and his family for the last time.  2: I am going to explain why I am moving. I know that being trans isn't an official deal breaker in OR. but you never know.

 

I am still wondering about my wife. After our heated discussion a week ago. Does she think I have stopped and am not looking to leave. Don't know if it is not realizing or what. Since our discussion, she has talked about a trip to visit my mom and xmas. Today when I told her some information about the New Bronco. She suggested that hey we could trade in our 17 MKZ and get one. Then a few hours later. She starts in with do I want a new off road capable vehicle, or could I get our Explorer capable. At times I think she isn't all there.

 

Well tomorrow starts my 2 closing shifts. So I can sleep in some, (that is IF I can). Nothing planned for my weekend yet. but getting the plates renewed on the bike. I may head to the VA to get the gender change form filled out by my OB Dr. So I can have my gender changed on my license before I move.

 

Hugs and good night to everyone.

 

Kymmie

[Heather Shay]

I am proud of you. Sleep tight princess 

[Willow]

@KymmieL you are in a tough spot.  I get it.  Even tough my wife stopped threatening me about separation she still goes back and forth about accepting me and not.  She feels that it s embarrassing for her and that I lied to her all our lives together.  I finally showed her my story after a friend of mine told me how she liked it in front of her.  Her whole take was that I was unhappy and by reflection of my life with her.  It took days, if she actually ever did, to get past that .  
 

My point is, I don’t know your situation, but you aren’t alone here. Others have very similar problems.  Unfortunately only you can decide which is more important to you, staying with your wife, or being happy as Kymmie.  In my case I accept a compromise in that I am Willow part time and not the rest.  I can get rather depressed or feel a great need At times when I am not Willow but I am able to deal with that.  Not everyone can and some would suggest that means I’m not really trans.  The more I reflect on my past the more I realize I’ve always been Trans but had no idea.

 

you are welcome to pm me anytime if I can be of help.  I’m here for you or anyone who would like to talk.
 

Willow

[Jani]

Willow that you can deal with living in a compromise, that is all well and good.  The goal of transition is not to make us unhappy.  Anyone that may suggest you are not transgender or transgender enough are totally off base.   We all live our lives as we best can.  That many of us choose to get married and have a family prior to coming out is not a crime.  We were doing what we thought was the best route for our lives.  Hindsight is always 20/20.  

 

Kymmie, you need to decide what it is that you truly value.  Living part time might be a good compromise for you, or it may not.  Obviously you have seen the potential costs.  It's a hard choice.  Think wisely and make your decision, then get on with living your life.  Longterm stress is never good.  

 

Jani

[Willow]

Hi @Jani

 

i think any of us who didn't transition or understand have lived a compromise.  Yes I choose to continue living in a compromise because i really wasn’t unhappy being married or having kids. I love my kids and granddaughters and my wife.  I can’t imagine my life without them.  I think that is a problem for a lot of us and its not a choice we want to make.  @KymmieL is in that position right now and only she can decide what is the most important thing for her.  She might not have a chance to compromise as her wife might take that away.  My wife has tried to take it away even told me early on that she would be leaving after Christmas.  We worked, had help and by Her deadline had decided to keep working and trying.  We are still trying with ups and down.  

 

For me choosing my personal happiness over hers isn't an option, its a necessity.  But, my happiness has to include her so if that means a part time compromise then thats my choice. 

 

As i get to know more older transgender mtfs i find that its closer to 45% wives leave 45% stay and 10% more of us are able to work out a compromise.  No these are not factual statistics and you,Jani likely have much better numbers.  But, it’s really more up to the wives than it is up to us.  

 

We can outright abandon our family but I've yet to hear anyone make that choice.  

 

We can choose to give up transition all together but that’s rarely a good idea and i don't know anyone that has decided to do that and I certainly wouldn’t recommend that.

 

At my age, its much easier to compromise than had i figured it out years ago.  It is also much harder to step away from the life i’ve had.  I wouldn't expect to find a new life partner so full transition also means loneliness to me.  

 

I envy those that figure out early. For me the signs were all there but i had no clue what they meant.  

 

So for those that i’ve gotten to know, they prefer to keep their relationships and work hard to do that but in the end its the wife that decides if they can deal with their husband becoming their wife.  And its up to us to give in or try to work things out or decide we have to do what we have to do.  I keep hoping i can get to a point of full time but I am patient and if it takes time so be it.  At least i’ve starting coming out to a select few people i trust although they have never seen Willow.  I've picked a few others i trust but haven’t gone there yet.

 

Willow 

 

 

[KymmieL]

Willow and Jani. Thank you for the information. The decision may be being made for me. It has been almost 24 hours since I emailed the parts manager with my decision. I have yet to hear anything.

However the stipulation was I couldn't start until Sept 1st. I also told him the reason why I am looking to move.

 

I have talked to my therapist about stopping. We came to the conclusion that it would be detrimental to my well being if I did. So the only thing is to leave or compromise. While I haven't approached that with my wife. So I don't know.

Like you Willow. I know that it would be a miracle if I did leave and then found love again. The way I am I too would be alone for the rest of my life.

 

Hugs

Kymmie

 

[Heather Shay]

Keeping fingers crossed for you Kymmie.

Shay

[Willow]

Thank you Kymmie and Jani.  I am on hormones with my wife’s full knowledge.  The changes have been minor but I am on low doses.  I have an appointment with my endocrinologist tomorrow when I expect to discuss progress and next steps.  I have expressed a great desire to have some breast growth.  At the same time I am not looking for anything big.  
 

I will say my T levels have dropped and my testicles have shrunk making tucking much easier.  I am very willing to use shots.  I’ve given myself shots in my penis so leg should be a piece of cake.  I’m pretty sure my endocrinologist feels taking E by mouth is out.  I have no desire to have top or bottom surgery.

 

Willow

[Bri2020]

11 hours ago, Willow said:

 

 

For me choosing my personal happiness over hers isn't an option, its a necessity.  But, my happiness has to include her so if that means a part time compromise then thats my choice. 

Same for me Willow, when I came to the realization I was trans I only saw three paths: Continue to repress it and live a lie - that resulted in a suicide attempt 17 years ago so not a good outcome potential. Open up to my loved ones and be rejected- not a good outcome potential given my history or come out and hope my loved ones would stick it out with me.  I got very lucky and so far outcome 3 is where I was but for me I had to hope for that 33% chance of living a fulfilled and happy life. The alternative was no longer possible.

As i get to know more older transgender mtfs i find that its closer to 45% wives leave 45% stay and 10% more of us are able to work out a compromise.  No these are not factual statistics and you,Jani likely have much better numbers.  But, it’s really more up to the wives than it is up to us.  

 

We can outright abandon our family but I've yet to hear anyone make that choice.  I don't have any personal knowledge of people who have but I just can't imagine that unless your relationships were so -crap- to begin with.

 

We can choose to give up transition all together but that’s rarely a good idea and i don't know anyone that has decided to do that and I certainly wouldn’t recommend that.  See option 1 above.

 

I envy those that figure out early. For me the signs were all there but i had no clue what they meant.  I am both overjoyed for the younger people because it's such a different world and so many more options available to them then when we were kids but I am also jealous as hell.

 

So for those that i’ve gotten to know, they prefer to keep their relationships and work hard to do that but in the end its the wife that decides if they can deal with their husband becoming their wife.  And its up to us to give in or try to work things out or decide we have to do what we have to do.   This is the biggest challenge for me right now, knowing that at some point, she could just decide it's too much and call it.  My only hope is that since we are truly best friends, IF that happened, we would still remain close, just not wives anymore. I'm not unconvinced that I couldn't find another partner but it's also because I live in the DC area which outside of SF is probably the most LBGTB friendly area in the country and there are ALOT of us here.     Hugs, Bri

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Bri2020 said:

So for those that i’ve gotten to know, they prefer to keep their relationships and work hard to do that but in the end its the wife that decides

This is the sad truth isn't it?  No matter how much we love are wife and our committed to the relationship.  This is the part that causes the most insecurity and anxiety for me too.

[Bri2020]

I'm officially a fashion shopaholic!  I discovered Poshmart. I got a fab dress/cardigan combo for $21 including shipping.  This is for my fall wardrobe. I can't wait to be brave enough to wear dresses to work.  I'm trying to "ease" our customers into seeing me as a woman.Just been wearing women's pants and "tops" and some jewelry. No makeup yet.  Many of them I have known for 15 years so it's gonna be a bit of a shock lol.  I have to consider my impact of coming out on my employees ability to earn a living. It's a tough balance but all my employees are like "@(#$ them if they have a problem". I love their attitude but that's easy to say until it hits them in the pocket book.

Anyone else have some great shopping deal places they want to share with me?

[Heather Shay]

this is absolutely gorgeous - don't have a Poshmart around here but I'd love to buy the same outfit (don't worry I don't live close enough for us to have the same outfit on at the same time)....

 

Do you have the brands so I can check around. That is the style I am gravitating to... I was a 1970's kind of girl and this is perfect for my style.

 

Thank You,

 

Shay

[Jackie C.]

Poshmart is an online thing. I don't think they have physical locations. I get bombarded with ads. It's basically a used upscale clothing reseller.

 

Hugs!

[Jani]

@Shay check out your local Goodwill Center.  You'll find lots of interesting clothing for super low prices.  

 

Jani

[Heather Shay]

Yes - good idea - there is also a place around the corner from me called Acts II and it is a church run goodwill and I've known friends who broke really nice things very inexpensively. GREAT tip. Thank you.

[Bri2020]

41 minutes ago, Shay said:

this is absolutely gorgeous - don't have a Poshmart around here but I'd love to buy the same outfit (don't worry I don't live close enough for us to have the same outfit on at the same time)....

 

Do you have the brands so I can check around. That is the style I am gravitating to... I was a 1970's kind of girl and this is perfect for my style.

 

Thank You,

 

Shay

It's a "Perceptions" brand which a quick search shows JC Penny sold them. Not sure how old it is.  I also found some great Boho style stuff on https://www.vencano.com/Cheap-Dresses-c199/.  I ordered a great blouse there.  $13

[Heather Shay]

I absolutely love it and joined to get 5% extra off. Looks like you and I have VERY similar tastes.

Mwah (I could just kiss you - thanks)

Shay

[Bri2020]

26 minutes ago, Shay said:

I absolutely love it and joined to get 5% extra off. Looks like you and I have VERY similar tastes.

Mwah (I could just kiss you - thanks)

Shay

WHat size are you Shay? (if you don't mind saying). I'm currently a 12 /XL but losing weight pretty fast so if I end up in the 8/10 range and any of this fits you I will happily share  

[Heather Shay]

I bought one like you did and

[Heather Shay]

Best I can tell - I am a L or XL

[Willow]

My wife and I have tried several on line shops.  Unfortunately, we have found their sizes don’t run true a good deal of the time. I am a foot taller but in tops we wear the same size.  She will find something she likes but when it comes, it doesn’t fit her but does fit me.  So part of my wardrobe was actually supposed to be hers.

 

we actually fit over a particular sundress.  I bought but felt it should be longer.  She tried it and decided it was a perfect full length for her.  Now we both wear it.

 

we’ve decided from now on we will buy local and try on before buying since returning mail order is a big pain.

 

Willow