Need advice on prepping for coming out...

[pulson]

I'm currently studying abroad, and I am planning to come out to my family in December/January when I return. My family has made two things clear in the past: 1. they're homo+transphobic and 2. they have not responded well to me testing out other names in the past. My first year of college, I was going to go by a name other than my birthname, and they unfortunately found out and essentially scared me out of it via threatening to pull me out of college. Now that I've since settled on a name and really, truly come out to myself and accepted everything, I know I need to approach them about it again. So, I guess I'm just asking: how did you prep for this and do you have any advice?

 

My aunt, who I've fully come out to, and is a lawyer, doesn't think that my parents can actually touch the school funds. However, our bank accounts are linked so they can financially mess with me in other ways. I am already going to get a bank account on my own, completely separate from them so that I don't have to worry about this. 

 

Most of my concern lies with not getting scared out of it. When I was going to go by a gender neutral name, I was content to identify as nonbinary and using they/them pronouns outside of my family and presenting in a masculine manner, but after my parents responded poorly I basically got scared back into trying to be cisgender and using she/her pronouns for another two years (although I still privately identified as nonbinary and tested out they/them in small circles...) I just don't want to come out and then get scared back into the closet. How do I prepare myself for this, and what are some other more materialistic ways I can prep myself in case things seriously do go south?

 

Thanks for your help in advance.

[VickySGV]

You have made a start with the bank account separation.  Identifying people who will accept you and become a chosen family as opposed to a blood family that totally rejects you is also something to keep in mind, it happens to many of us but with the LGBT community is well known.  Certainly, rely on your Aunt as an ally and help her to more fully understand what you really are all about.  If you can, communicate to your family, that it is only your looks and a name that will change but you will still be the same basic, loving person they have known all along.  That is really the whole center of the problem, unless religion and "community status" fears are deep in their lives.  Find a Therapist if you do not already have one who you can bounce some ideas off of and help you see if your fears are wholly realistic.  It is not easy and they may reject you for a while, but the best revenge will be living a life that is good and honest.  Do not however give them POWER over as I think you have done before.