Forever hidden

[carol]

I have been this way since I can remember. My earliest concrete memories are from when I was 6 years old when I told my mom I wish I could be a girl.  She explained that this was not possible, and I realized quickly that this should not be discussed.  Over the years I prayed every night to God that would he please make me female.  I reached about 12 years old and these feeling exploded and I went into wearing feminine clothes where ever possible.  Shame and guilt followed me and eventually suppressed my feelings.  I remember when I was 15, I understood that God was not going to do anything for me and I began looking for ways to get estrogen.  This was before internet and I was stuck looking in the library to  understand my condition.  I resolved  back then that I was crazy and had some sort of defect, kind of like being gay, but I knew I was not gay.  I suppressed the feeling from then on for fear of being caught.  When I was in the 11th grade, I must have been good looking because I had all kinds of girls following me around.  An older girl out of high school eventually seduced me and we started a relationship.  This did not last.  It never felt right.  Sex with a woman was enjoyable, but always empty.  My mind would always drift to wanting to be the woman.  This has always been my problem.  Emotionally, I am the woman.  I have a force within me that wants a emotional sexual relation with a man as a woman.  

 

Well suppressing this has gone on for years now.  I eventually got married hoping this would go away.  It has not, it has only gotten more intense as I age.  I love my wife and now I have kids.  I am over 50 now, and I often think: "you made it this far with the suppression, you can make it till you die."  You can always remain forever hidden.  Some days it is overwhelming, sometimes it is not that bad, but it always there, ALWAYS.  

 

I have read about others here and I know I am not alone, and maybe writing about it will help .  I no longer dress, because I feel so stupid when I do.  I find that my feelings can remain in my mind hidden to all except me.  I often run imaginary scripts in my head where I see my self as the woman, I would love to be, walking down the street wearing clothes that I saw some where flirting with guys passing by.  Sometimes, I meet some one and he invites me to the movies and we kiss and hold hands, and maybe he takes me home where I live out my dreams.  These exercises help release my anxiety and help fill a void.  I have no intensions of moving forward as the costs would be to high.  I will remain hidden to all in the real world except me.

[Susan R]

Carol, I wish I had time to write all I'd  like to write on this but let me tell you this...you are definitely not alone.  Many of us have experienced similar histories.  My life mirrors much of what you state in this post.  It touched me deeply and I feel so much empathy for the situation. I understand how high the costs are.  I, myself, have not come out fully yet due to this very thing.  I truly wish you the best in whatever journey you choose and if you ever wish to talk privately about this, feel free to message me anytime.

 

Hugs, SusanMtF

[Jani]

Hello Carol and welcome.  Even though you have decided not to come out publicly you are here and can post and speak as Carol.  We all have to make choices that work for our own life's situation.  This is what you have done and its all right.  

 

Jani

[Grwl]

My story mirrors yours. Carol,  you agre not alone.  I'l be 40 in a month. Im finally starting to understand this all too. You age here,  i support you.  :)