Trying to sort my feelings out, do thers feel this way?

[Sam1066]

I want to know if anyone else experiences depression and gender identity the way that I do, and if it’s a type of dysphoria or simply depression, or wishful thinking, or what?

I know that at the end of the day only I can figure out what is going on for me, and that this is also a conversation for me and my therapist, it is certainly an on-going one with my therapist. I’m looking to see if anyone else has experiences like this, and maybe what it meant for them down the road.


First, depression:

My whole life I’ve dealt with a very intense fight/flight response in certain social situations which I guess is social anxiety (though I like people, and prefer to be around people), this was often followed by a round of depression for a few hours. I could also get depression from other triggers, most often my depression was triggered by something to do with women, which for the longest time I thought was about feelings of inadequacy (I’m biologically male, am attracted to women). I’ve always felt like I related to women better but also felt guilty about it as though I don’t deserve to because I was born male. Through my 20s this random depression would come and go usually in a matter of hours up to a few days. I learned to deal with it, though it would always hold me back in social situations.

After I started questioning my gender identity I noticed a change in depression, how it affects me. It feels less gripping, more textural. Sometimes when I dress feminine in subtle ways it does reverse it a little bit. I don’t know if gender issues are the cause of it or not. I’m wondering, could depression be caused by gender identity and one not know at all that gender identity is the cause? Is that a thing that happens? Is that what dysphoria is for some people? Or is this just a correlation without causation?


Second, gender identity:

I’ve always had these little moments of elation or zen in my life, it could be due to success on a project or simply hearing a good song on the radio. During those moments is when I’ve always felt secretly feminine in my head, as though something shifts in my self-image. Since I started questioning I’ve noticed that I feel like I’m female most often when I’m happy, and less when I’m stressed or sad or angry. When I’m relaxed, calm, happy, or excited, my self-image crystallizes to see a female-bodied somewhat gender queer tom-by lesbian women walking in my place, that’s me. I usually get a little happier when I think about it, and I find it harder to think myself as female about when I’m sad or upset.

Is this anything like anyone else’s experience? Is this a way that (some) trans people experience things?

 

 

[VickySGV]

When we have found our True Selves, we do feel happier and more serene about life.  It is when we are contemplating our lives without our inherent self truth that we can and do suffer stress that leads to depression on some  part of that spectrum.  I did not know what was going on in my life really that made my thought  processes feel like they were slogging in mud for so long.  When I began HRT, it was as if a huge cloud had lifted from me. 

[Robin]

Hi Sam1066,

 

The feelings that you describe are extremely similar to those that I have been experiencing for many years.  The fact that at least two of us feel this way means that it must be caused by something. 

 

I believe that there are numerous ways for dysphoria to manifest itself, and that can make it very difficult for those of us that don't have the textbook list of symptoms. 

 

I look forward to hearing what other people have to say on the subject.

 

Robin.

 

[Susan R]

Hello and welcome Sam1066, I have found that some of my transgendered friends now and in the past have experienced somewhat similar life challenges to myself.  Those that had similar journeys still had slight variations on how it affected them and how they coped with their situation.

In my early life, I experienced many of the things you discuss but just not in the exact same way.  I noticed a cyclic pattern, possibly unique to me but probably not.  When I would crossdress I'd feel a natural calmness and euphoria for quite awhile.  Then eventually guilt set in which in turn caused me to either temporarily stop wearing my ladies clothing or in some cases purge the clothing all together.  Then after the crossdressing guilt subsided, everyday life stresses would build up and I would become depressed.  This in turn would lead to me to start crossdressing again.  This cycle continued until I was in my early 20's.  

I eventually found that the more I seperated myself from those who were not going to accept me (physically moved farther away) and the more I feminized myself the more I enjoyed life.  I lived part time as a woman but worked as a man for a decade before purging one last time.  I married my wife and lived the straight life for 21 years until finally last year, I could no longer fight it.  I then made the choice just last year to seek professional help and the rest is history.  So far I have had no experiences of major depression since making this decision to become a woman and my HRT has only made everything that much clearer for me.  I can say that I am now truly happy.

Your experiences will undoubtedly lead you somewhere but only you know where that me be.  Your journey is unique to you so enjoy it and go along at your own pace.

 

Thanks for sharing,

Susan R?

[Suzi]

Sam....

You described my life to a "T".

I'm not transitioning but my depression and anxiety have dropped since I've adopted female clothes into my daily life.  Even just painting my toes takes away such sadness.  Why?  Nobody can see it..?   

All I know if I like myself more as Suzi and I have not been able to explain it.    But time and time again whrn I swear ill never dress up again. I fall into a depression and life sucks.  I've recognized the pattern and have made myself dress even when I don't want to.  Well.  It turns my mood right around andI become calm and happy.     I've been trying to dress 100% once a week and I have to say its really helped.   Just I feel trapped since I don't leave the confines of my bedroom for fear of my kids catching on.  

Its the most wonderful curse....