Im coming out to my mom tonight and im scared

[Gwynivere0819]

Hey everybody, sorry for the random posts, but im coming out to my mom tonight because here recently i feel like ive been in a cage that is slowly closing in on me and i cant take it anymore. I feel like the only eay to finally get free of my own mind is to just come clean and tell my mom everything. I can't keep up this facade anymore.

[Jani]

Good!   Even though it is hard to life in this cage, you do hold the key.  You'll do fine.  All my best to you.

 

Hugs, Jani  

[Dakota16]

I've been there before, and it nearly tore me apart. You'll do fine! I hope it's a good, productive conversation.

[Gwynivere0819]

I hope it is too, im sure it will be fine but im still worried that my mom will deny it or something. I know this is stupif thinking but i cant help it and it wont go away. Im sure ill feel great after i talk to her but still. Thx for taking the time to read. Have a great day *hugs*

[Susan R]

I wish you the very best, Gwen.  I know how hard it is.  I wasn't able to do it myself back in the day.  I paid the price too.  Just imagine how free you'll be after The proverbial cage is gone.  Don't let fear get the best of you.

 

Susan R?

[Gwynivere0819]

Well i had a very long and not so great talk with my parents. They said that it isnt that they dont believe me, they just said that because they jave never seen a feminine side to me that there is a large chance i have some other mental stuff going on in my brain. They are going to take me to some therapists and doxtors to get a professional opinion and take blood/hormons tests to see if something in my hormone chemistry is -toasted- up and making me feel this way. I know its stupid to feel this way but i feel so defeated, they have raised doubts in me and it hurts because i still feel the same way that i used to. They said that they dont want me using sites like this because of people giving false information and encouraging things that would just be harmful. Well -expletive- them in that regard because talking on here makes me feel better. Im sorry for the long post but what if theyre right but this feeling never goes away. God theyre right though, i never did play with dolls or anything as a young kid and still dont to this day. I feel like a girl mentally and i want to be a girl physically but god. Im feeling so defeated right now. I like being called gwyn and i love being treated like a girl by my friends but i dont know anymore, what if this is all just some -censored- mental illness for me.

[Jani]

46 minutes ago, Gwynivere0819 said:

They said that it isnt that they dont believe me, they just said that because they jave never seen a feminine side to me that there is a large chance i have some other mental stuff going on in my brain.

Of course they hadn't seen any signs, this wasn't something you wanted them to see!  My parents and sisters said the same thing, they never would have guessed based upon how I acted.  I never did "girl" stuff and I have sisters so the opportunity was certainly there to join in and play with them. 

 

Well at least they've agreed that you should see a therapist.  I'm not sure what a doctor would say.  I assume your mother isn't a doctor so these diagnosis are best left to professionals.  Don't feel defeated.  You've gotten past this and you'll be fine.  Make sure you see a licensed therapist and not some church based person.  

 

Jani  

 

 

[KymmieL]

I totally agree with Jani. Make sure that the therapist is licensed. Make sure when you see your therapist. Tell them everything you are feeling. Emotions, fears, gender identity, etc. Mine has help me tremendously. Unfortunately one of my therapist has moved so I see a new one Monday. Do a face to face first then do video chat. 

BTW, not one of the other members on this forum has ever given me bad or harmful advise. 

 

Kymmie

[Susan R]

Gwen,  I agree with what has already been stated.  Make sure your parents are sending you to a therapist who works with TG or gender-non conforming individuals.  Why waste your parents money and your time.

I believe your parents are reacting very typically as uninformed parents would.  They are going to be playing devils advocate until they fully understand the true nature of these issues.  It's not too different from when you once told yourself early on, "This is all in my head.  I can't be this way".  Denying it only postpones what you've known and worked through for some time.  Take a few deep breaths and congratulate yourself for being able to do what many wished they had done years ago.  You should be very proud of yourself right now.

 

Susan R?

[VickySGV]

I am not surprised at their reaction, nor am I surprised at how you are feeling just now.  When we first come out, the reaction is shock and denial of what is happening from those we come out to.

 

2 hours ago, Jani said:

Of course they hadn't seen any signs, this wasn't something you wanted them to see!  

 

Jani has nailed this to the front door.  We wanted to please our parents and tried our hearts out to do it.  People knew I was strange and atypical, but they could point to an immune system problem I had  (I thought it was that too) and never got the right idea for 60 years.  Therapy with licensed therapists is an excellent idea.  There is no cure by any type of psychotherapy or "prayers" from any religion, and some part of this will be with you all your life.

[jo jo]

i hope everything goes well hun and they accept you for the person you want to be its hard for a parent but also just as difficult for someone whos transgender or gay  but im sure the whole outcome will be favourable love and hugs joanne

[Gwynivere0819]

Thx so much for the replies every body you have helped out a lot. I think my main worry at this point is that they are right because i never did play with girls toys or wear clothes as a young child (i want to wear girls clothes now though) i have always gotten along better with girls than guys and im sure that isnt really a useful piece of info but idk. I just want to be happy and at this momwnt and honestly for the past 4 years of my life this is what i feel will make me happy. I just want to be the person who i have kept locked inside of myself for so long and now even when my parents do start to buy me more feminine clothes (atleast.they r going to do that for me) i will feel weird eearing it around them. Idc what other people say but im worried ny parents will think im faking.

I habe been wanting to grow my hair out a little but i have never really liked long hair and that is one of their reasond why it isnt really possible, that and the fact that i didnt even think this until puberty started. Hugs and love for everyone who has helped me and other people going through the same thing.

[Jani]

When I told my parents, my dad asked "what about all the things you do" meaning cars.  I am a total gear-head.  I was concerned about being involved in my hobby as a woman but I've become comfortable with who I am and I still love being in my shop tinkering with my cars and stuff.  I recall telling my dad that there are no guy things or girl things, just things we do.  

 

Of course you will feel weird about presenting as your new gender at first but it will get easier.  Once I realized that when I am comfortable with who I am the people around me are also.  There is no faking about this.  Its being you.

 

Jani

[Gwynivere0819]

Thx so much for that Jani because ive been really worried about this and i do honeatly feel this way and i just dont know what to do. My friends seem more accepting of the fact I feel this way than my own parents do.

[KymmieL]

There is not one reason on this earth to quit doing your male hobbies just because you are a girl. I am not. girls can do just as good as boys.

 

Kymmie

[VickySGV]

Just now, Gwynivere0819 said:

My friends seem more accepting of the fact I feel this way than my own parents do. 

 

They do not have the time to have known you and expect things from your that your parents have.  Also your friends themselves are going through some major changes and the process of change to them is more normal than it is to parents. (For whom it was natural until they became parents -- Sigh!!)

 

9 hours ago, VickySGV said:

When we first come out, the reaction is shock and denial of what is happening from those we come out to.

Especially parents and other family--

 

At the moment it is as if the person your parents thought they were raising has announced they are dying and your parents are in shock and denial as I said above.  Think for a moment how you would feel if one of them said they had a terminal disease, that is how they are acting.  You do not have a terminal cancer or anything but the person they dreamed of and expected you to be is going to have a new look and new name, and they want to keep you the old way.  There will be several stages to their finally accepting you and hopefully they will progress at a good rate. A good therapist can HELP THEM progress through it faster if they will let the therapist, so be sure counseling can be done as a family.  One day at a time is the speed though.

 

PS - My hobbies include radio and audio engineering / stage lighting, wood working, and even a bit of blacksmithing from time to time.  But I can come out of the shop and enjoy doing embroidery and dress making as well.

[Robin]

Hi Gwyn,

 

When I came out to one of my friends, he asked me whether that meant that I was going to get rid of my classic car collection.  I was able to tell him that it was a misconception that feeling feminine meant having to have different hobbies.

 

When you say that you are transgender, people assume that you want to become a different person.  That is not possible, even if you wanted to.  You are just being honest about who you are, and trying to live your life as comfortably and happily as possible.

 

When I was young, I never dressed or behaved in a feminine way.

 

Robin.

[jae bear]

 Hey Gwyniviere,

I wouldn’t worry about not acting girlie when you were younger, plenty of genetic females do not do that either, I myself am involved in many things that would be branded male, but that doesn’t make me any less of the person I am, And I have always been this way. Before the age of four I simply assumed I was female, and when I got “the talk” from my parents when I was four years old it was devastating.  I still like cars and trucks, other fun boy stuff as well, but I also spent much of my childhood time playing with my sister and her toys, nobody thought anything of it. I found it odd that when I came out to my sister she said something very much like your parents did, she said “but you never played with girl things”... I looked her straight in the face and said “yeah, we never played Barbie 10 hours at a time, did we?” and all I got from her was a smirk. ?

 These days I still enjoy plenty of male related activities, Car, radios, guitars... I even decorate rather industrial, and for work I manage a machine shop, a rather male dominated field, and I do it presenting as female, everyone loves that I wear glittery nail polish, all the boys in the shop notice when I get the color changed! 

 Hugs, 

Jackie

[Gwynivere0819]

Thx for the help everyone, my parents said that they will find a therapist who specializes in things like this so hopefully it will help. 

[Ashlee]

On 11/28/2018 at 11:53 AM, Gwynivere0819 said:

Hey everybody, sorry for the random posts, but im coming out to my mom tonight because here recently i feel like ive been in a cage that is slowly closing in on me and i cant take it anymore. I feel like the only eay to finally get free of my own mind is to just come clean and tell my mom everything. I can't keep up this facade anymore.

I know that exact feeling. I had it for so long. I came out to my mom on Thanksgiving. I was thinking the worst but all ended up great. She jokes around now when her dog jumps on my boobs and says "hurts don't it" I hope it all goes well for you tonight. The stress relief will be so worth it. 

 

Ashley

[Gwynivere0819]

Hey Ashley, it didnt really go as planned and honestly i feel worse because of it. But whatever, they said they will find me a therapist (not one who tries to cure me) so they and i can understand this better. They also want me to take some blood tests and hormone tests to make sure that im okay..... Have a good night

 

Gwyn

[GothicLucas]

For what it's worth, that was my mom's reaction almost verbatim. It puzzled me that she wanted to get my hormones checked to "rule out any imbalance," in particular. I really don't know what that has to do with being transgender. There is a condition called PCOS in which people with ovaries, most of whom identify as women, produce excess testosterone. If hormone imbalances caused people to be transgender, then not only would all of these people identify as men or masculine, but everyone with a menstrual cycle would be genderfluid Hormones do affect the brain, but it's my understanding that they affect your personality and mental processes, not your sense of self.

I think that your parents are scared and in denial. They may need to go through a grief process. Maybe it will help if you educate them on what being transgender means to you? It may also help if they see other real, live trans people, whether in videos on the internet, or at a support group.

Have faith in yourself and your gut instincts, even if they don't make logical sense at this time.

[Gwynivere0819]

God ive given up hope of ever being myself there is no point in all this -crap-. Thank you for reading and for replying but im dying inside and idk how to fix this.

[Susan R]

Gwen,  please don't give up hope.  The entire transitioning process is a lifetime event.  Every step you take whether forward or backward is part of the process.  Ask others if they've had setbacks along the way.  Most, if not all, will tell you they have.  It does get better...not necessarily easier.  There will be moments in your journey that you will cherish your entire life and others in your journey that you'll regret and wish a different outcome.  I know it's hard right now, Gwen but give it a little more time.  You have not yet started regular therapy which I think you will benefit from greatly if they are good.  Give it a chance before jumping to conclusions.  Just keep the hope & persevere!

 

I'm sorry if that sounded preachy but I really do believe it myself,

Susan R?

[Dakota16]

Gwen, don't give up hope, and yes you can be yourself. Many of us have been in a similar spot at some point before and/or during transition, and we'd love to talk and help.

 

I got the same reply from my mom. She didn't see anything suggesting I had a feminine side. I explained that I got that good at hiding it because growing up in the 70s and 80s boys just didn't do that kind of stuff. Everyone bought us toy cars, toy construction equipment, transformers, army toys, and so on. I played with both boys and girls toys, but wouldn't play with girl toys with my parents around. It was something I didn't want them to see because I was already catching crap from multiple bullies at school. While I did hope for a different outcome, I can't control how she reacts along with everyone else I come out to. Other family members have embraced me, including a few rigid conservatives (which surprised me to no end), so you never really know how people will react even though you think you do. Don't let a bad coming out derail you becoming you. We're pulling for you!