Irony Or Discovery?

[Guest Javey]

Okay... Need to vent... Kind of panicking a little....okay...Not a little...... A LOT

So i live with my mom and this guy. The guy is a total jerk all the time. We've had lots and lots of problems with him, including but not limited too: Spending hundreds of dollars on cigarettes, emotional abuse, sitting around playing online poker while we work and try to keep the house in shape, not letting my mom use HER car, the list goes on. My mom won't kick him out, and she hates him too. I don't even understand her. He's eating up our money and my mom and him get in huge fights all the time. He's a long story, so i am just going to keep it to the point of the fact that he is a jerk, and needs to get out of my life.

I came out to another one of my friends. The other night, I was feeling kinda down, and he was cheering me up over the phone. We got on the topic of my gender questioning, and started discussing all the stuff we would do if i decided to have a full transition, surgeries and EVERYTHING. Obviously, there needs to be a huge party. a HUGE party. Two, or maybe even more. One before the full transition, and one after. Maybe even some extras just for the fun of it. We'll serve fake alcohol and not tell anyone that its fake, and see how many people think they are getting drunk off of it. Rocky Horror picture show will be playing on a loop. We got into all kinds of funny details. I thought my mother and the guy living with us were asleep. It was 2 in the morning! They are usually asleep by then. I am real careful about what i talk about, where, and when. Because my house is 115 years old, and the walls are paper thin. So, if i need to talk about my gender issues on the phone with one of my friends, I wait till i am home alone or till everyone is asleep. And even when everyone is asleep, i go into my walk in closet to have the conversation. But that night i made an exception and walked into the kitchen, which is right next to my moms room and the guys room. I was super hungry, and they were asleep anyway. I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

Yesterday: I asked the guy living with us to give me a ride to a school supply store so i could get the stuff i need to make this big project board thing. On the way, out of nowhere, he asked me "If a transgender, like, a girl that wants to be a boy, was a lesbian before she decided she wanted to be a boy... would that make her straight?" So i answered accordingly "Yes, then he would be straight. Being transgender isn't a choice any more then being gay is. He never decided one day to be a heterosexual male, he's always been a heterosexual male. Born into the wrong body." and the conversation went on, i ended up explaining different details i have learned. I am an LGBT activist, so i can get away with knowing this stuff and talking about it without looking TOO suspicious to him. Finally, midway through to conversation he goes "So... you've been looking into this a lot... haven't you?" and as if i wasn't suspecting he knew something already, my heart started pounding faster then it was before. Could this be some kind of ironic coincidence, or was he trying to get me to confess? His opinion doesn't matter to me. But he is FAR from trustworthy. I answered with "I know a thing or two..." And he just goes "Right... anyway," and the conversation went on. It could be just coincidence, its not the first time something totally ironic like that has happened to me.

If he knows something, i could have a serious issue. The only reason my mom doesn't know about me, is because she can't handle it right now. She's dealing with our friends issues and my dad is trying to sue her because she asked for basic child support and for him to ACTUALLY fallow through on it. Not to mention she has all kinds of medical issues. Brain tumors and hep c. She'll need a liver transplant in 5 years. How she's even still alive today is a mystery to everyone. She's tough. I'm just waiting for our friends issues and my fathers ridiculousness to clear up a little. I can handle waiting a little longer, its no biggy. But I have no doubt in my mind that this guy would tell my mom. If he hasn't already...

Because i was talking to my mom about this other guy. He's trying to start a jam hall or something and needs bands, and he wanted an all-female band, and asked me to be a part of it. I told him no. Not just because i don't entirely consider myself female, but because i think specifically making a band one gender takes away from the point of making music. I was telling her about it, and she just thinks to herself for a minute, then goes "You've always been kind of gender neutral"

This isn't the first time shes said something like she knew. I've always kind of had a suspicion that she had read the journal i kept when i started questioning (the fact that i can't find it right now just kind of adds on to the panic!!!!!) but then she'll say something else like she has no idea whats going on. She'll start talking about how she wanted a girl so bad, and if she knew she wouldn't do that. At least not right to my face like that. Maybe she'd talk about it to her friends, but not to me. Not if she knew. So i don't even know.

Like i said, it could just be coincidence, but being that i actually talk to people about it now makes it much more likely that one or both of them overheard me. And she stood over my shoulder a few times when i was on this site, and i haven't been deleting my history. She trusts me though, so i don't even know if she checks my history or not.

I am freaking out right now!!! This guy is always causing problems for me and my mom! Even as i type this, they are having some stupid argument over nothing at all! Why does he always have to make things worse? This isn't the way i wanted my mom to find out! I didn't want to be ratted out by someone. Especially this guy! And if he did over hear, i can't believe the ONE time i risked it and carried the conversation out into another part of the house, i get caught. the ONE time! That is ridiculous!

And since we are on the note of people knowing about me and my gender questioning: I have no idea what i am going to do about my sister. She'd probably be weirded out, but i think she would still accept me. Her husband on the other hand... i am terrified about what he might do. He was in the marines and got hit by a suicide bomber on his third tour to Iraq. He's still super tough though. But he's EXTREMELY closed minded and definitely a little arrogant. Despite that, i still kind of look up to him and think he's cool. His judgmental political views aside. For me, personally, i figure anyone not willing to accept me for who i am, in all likely hood, probably isn't worth my time. But that doesn't mean I'd be happy about losing him. I don't want to lose him. Or my sister. Like i said, i think she would be okay. But sometimes i worry... I really look up to her too.

[Guest leo]

wow you really are worried

but maybe if your ready you should come out and clear the air

i meant they already have there suspections..

so feed there curious minds

[Sally]

I think that Leo has a point, it would certainly help you relax.

It sounds like your mother has an idea and in spite of all of her issues seems to be strong enough to handle just about anything except throwing that bum out.

I think that it might be best for you to talk to her.

Love ya,

Sally