Is it possible that I'm just depressed?

[Luci]

Hi all,

I've been thinking extensively, and I just have so much confusion, and countless questions. I am incredibly depressed and constantly lonely. My friends have work or relationships, so they're frequently busy. There's nothing more important to me than my friends. I don't think anyone is under any obligation to love their family. Countless times, I've seen people that can't stand their families, but help them anyway. It's because "they're family". I simply don't understand. They're just people. You don't HAVE to help them. Friends are the family that one chooses for one's self. I love all my friends. There's nothing I wouldn't do for any one of them. I didn't cry a tear for when my absurdly rude and condescending uncle died, even though he was only 42. However, my friends can touch my heart. My first (and only) love was thrown out of her house. She came to live with me, and I made my affection and love with her as clear as I could. Nevertheless, she ran off to live in another state and live a crazy life with people she barley knows. I still think of her every day. I can't even bear to look at her stuff on Facebook, it's simply too painful to me. 

I guess I got off-topic. My main point is that I hate myself, and since my friends don't make time for me (which I know isn't intentional), I just feel unwanted. With my broken heart, and dating sites proving useless, it just makes me feel even more hopeless. 

Living at home with my parents while going to college really doesn't allow me much freedom. I can't listen to the music I want, take up archery, express my opinions, show off my 2 tattoos or piercings: I just feel stifled. 

As for transgender feelings: I'd like breasts. I'd like long hair. I do not want GRS, I'm comfortable with that portion of myself. I can't stand body hair. I just can't. I'm wondering if I am having strong transgender feelings because I actually want to transition, or simply because I feel so stifled and just want a huge change of pace.

12/19/18 is my first gender therapy appointment. 

Hopefully, I'll get some sense of direction.

Love,

Luci

[DeeDee]

Hi Luci, I'm not medically trained so I cannot help you decide if you are depressed or not, I would go to my GP if I suspected depression. It can be hard when there are so many different parts of our lives we are not happy with and want to change, but I suggest you pick something small and set that as a goal, and just keep setting small targets - get some decent headphones so you can listen to your music in peace.  A good friendship will survive time apart even if you feel isolated for a wee while. Go onto the chat or take a look at the forums and they will help you with some of your questioning, I've found the people here really friendly, open and honest. x

[Jani]

It's easy to feel depressed when the world around you is changing but take heart that this change is for the good!  Look at the long view as it is incremental change that gets us there.  Your first therapy appointment will be here and gone before you know it.  Don't be afraid to open up and tell your story.  It's the only way to get full benefit of the time spent.  While you say you're comfortable with this or that, be aware things change as we settle in journey and opinions can fluctuate.   So go with the flow! 

Jani

[Sandra6sandy9sand]

Hi Luci, by now 12/19 has come and gone.  I hope your session went well and you were able to get something that will help you along your journey.  Here’s hopping 2019 will offer a clearer vision of where you are headed and releaf from your depression.

 

Best wishes for a Happy New Year.

 

Sandra

[KymmieL]

Luci, I feel the same way. Like your friends are to you, My family is to me. However I can be surrounded by my family yet  feel alone and unwanted. I know my family loves me. Just yesterday I had my two oldest sons and their families, my mom, my wife and youngest here, yet at times I was alone.

 

I hope your appointment went well. Learning about yourself. Hope that the coming year is better.

 

Kymmie

[VickySGV]

Depression and Gender Dysphoria do get matched up with each other.  It is like two people shaking hands with each other and then they begin to beat the stuffing out of each other in a boxing match.  Depression is real and is a condition that is separate from our GD. although the GD and our lack of acceptance can stress us into depression.  That is work for you and a therapist to do.  Breaking up with someone we think we love and the stress it put on us does happen to Trans people too often, but real clinical depression is no help.  I have periods of major depression and GD, both diagnosed and on my medical records, and they are both a part of ME which helps me live my authentic life as I spiritually feel is right.

[Josie Beth]

1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

 I can be surrounded by my family yet  feel alone and unwanted. I know my family loves me. Just yesterday I had my two oldest sons and their families, my mom, my wife and youngest here, yet at times I was alone.

 

Kymmie

I’m always facing this in my life. Even around close friends and family. Some of it has to do with them not sharing the same experiences as me. So I shut down or take a walk to be alone since I already feel that way. I’m not going to recommend that for everyone because it can be a dangerous place for some but it works for me at times.