Obsessed much?

[DeeDee]

Ever since I started to examine my gender it has been at the forefront of my mind and is starting to feel like it is all consuming. Is this just my approach or does everyone have to go through this stage?

 

I have watched hours and hours of Youtube videos on questioning gender, being trans, how to pass in public, make up tutorials, feminising your voice, I have taken quizzes and read through forum posts dating back 5 or 6 years and I feel like I get new questions popping into my head every day.

I think about what may happen if I transition and how it would affect my work and family and friends, I think about how far I would want to go and ways to control the process and then I think about whether I need to, whether my family could ever see me as one of the girls or if I would always be their crazy brother or if I could find ways to work without upsetting the apple cart. The thought trains are constant and I cannot switch them off.

 

I have discovered things about myself I never knew until this last month - I actually quite like Rom Coms even though I've avoided them for years and that I love asymmetrical tops and dresses that flare out at the hips because I think they flatter my figure and I've discovered that while expressing my femininity I like blogging in a way I could never do as a male.

Talking to other people has helped me deal with a lot of my own personal guilt about enjoying feeling feminine and I find myself awed and a little bit jealous of everyone who knows their path and what they are doing regardless of where they fit in the cis, LGBTQ+ spectrum.

 

I am doing all of this while still trying to carry on with the rest of my life, but does it ever actually get to a stage where you are just being yourself - transitioning or not and not constantly questing for answers or confirmation and second guessing yourself?

[tracy_j]

Yes, it does seem to be a stage. With me it has settled down quite a bit with time. I have found it a lot easier to express myself, and enjoy it far more. Being male, it was hard to express feelings. Especially in other male company. Nowadays I find it more natural.

 

Tracy

[Charlize]

I certainly remember that feeling of obsession.  In a way it was a factor that lead me to this site and then to a gender therapist and eventual transition.

Today i am simply living my life as a trans* woman.  i'm comfortable in myself and feelings of guilt and shame have faded into the past where i can see them but somehow not be affected.  

So in a simple answer to your question......Yes it gets better.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kirsten]

I know your pain Sadie. (Love your name btw) A year in and still my life is engulfed in this process. It literally runs everything. It’s always what’s on my mind. It’s what I want to talk about all the time too. And it’s hard not to. Like real hard. It’s gotten even worse once the body started really changing too. 

But think about it. When women were 12-13-14 they talked about makeup and clothes and boys and hair and all that stuff. They talked about their boobs growing and bras and all sorts of stuff like that too. But it all kind of happened to them over years and years and they had a lot of friends going through the same thing. Same with the boys too when younger. Armpit hair and face hair and sweaty stink and all that. Nobody ever batted an eye to the kids because it’s just part of growing up. It’s new and exciting. 

We, for the most part, don’t have a schoolful of friends going through transition puberty with us. So we find the YouTube videos, the online forums, and bother those around us with our “puberty” as well. It’s just that all the people our own age are over this stuff for the most part. And have moved on with life in general. But not us. We have to do puberty #2 as adults, mostly alone, with our wonder and amazement so it does seem to take over. When in actuality I think it’s quite normal. And I think of it didn’t take over it would be a good sign that’s something’s amiss. This is the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to us! We are finally getting our turn! Be happy and enjoy it. ?

Theres always plenty of us here that can talk and have some fun teenage girly convos. I do like me a good hairstyle/fingernail/clothes/etc chat. ?

[DeeDee]

Thanks girls! I'm glad to hear that things will calm down eventually, I guess I'm trying to make up for years of looking at the world one way. Like the sheltered kid going all out at the first week of uni.

I just don't want the hangover!

Kirsten  I love, love, love your perspective! - a lot of this is new and exciting for me to discover but I know my sisters will get bored very quickly if its all I ever talk to them about! They need time to adjust too, they may call me brave for opening up, but I feel anything but.

4 hours ago, Kirsten said:

with our wonder and amazement so it does seem to take over. When in actuality I think it’s quite normal. And I think of it didn’t take over it would be a good sign that’s something’s amiss. This is the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to us! We are finally getting our turn! Be happy and enjoy it. ?

 

I guess the taking over is a pretty big clue in itself then? I'm finding less and less excuses to classify myself as "questioning" instead of simply "trans" now.  I always wanted to be Velma  and be the one to solve the mystery! (instead of the creepy person being de-masked at the end of the mystery)

 

I do try to enjoy the moments when I can, everything will slow down now I have gotten to the counselling stage and have someone neutral to bounce off.  When I get to that point you can count on me asking for advice on clothes, nails, makeup, travel essentials and especially accessories!

Thanks all!!!

XX

[Shannon]

I'm suddenly  going through the same things! So glad to find a community to help me.

[DeeDee]

40 minutes ago, Shannon said:

I'm suddenly  going through the same things! So glad to find a community to help me.

Shannon the only advice I can give you is to keep looking around and if you can't see something you want to know then just ask, everyone here has been fantastic with all my questions! x

[Kirsten]

3 hours ago, SeekingSadie said:

I know my sisters will get bored very quickly if its all I ever talk to them about!

Yeah. People do definitely get sick of the adult teenager.  ? but I think it’s important for us all to do. You have to get it out of your system. And learn what’s good and bad for you. Nothing like squeezing a lifetime of learning into a couple years! 

[Jani]

Sadie soon enough things will calm down in your head and life will get to a point of normalcy.  Trust me, you'll get there.   

[DeeDee]

5 hours ago, Kirsten said:

And learn what’s good and bad for you.

It is a lot to squeeze in Kirsten - I actually bought a Christmas dress because growing up we always had a tradition to wear something nice for Christmas dinner and I have been day dreaming about spending the day as Sadie with my sisters (the two who know are coming up) - I can't because their children do not know yet, and I'm actually looking forward to the January sales after Christmas so I can go clothes shopping! I usually try to avoid them because the shops tend to be like feeding time in the piranha tank, but no one bats an eyelid at who's buying what. If I'm like this now what would I be like on hormones lol?

 

Thanks Jani, I am all for life being interesting, but my gender is just a small part of who I am (or at least it was until this year) and I want my brain to reflect that and pour some energy into other areas too.

 

Last night was my daughters school Christmas show, the invite warned parents not to wear stilletto heels or take chewing gum into the halls and my ex made a joke about me having to change my shoes and that it's a shame because red suits me too - while I wouldn't wear them to a school event she doesn't know how close to the mark she was! (I own a pair of black stilettos that I will never wear out as they put me over 6ft, but actually red really does suit me).  I spent most of the evening looking to see what all the women were wearing!  My daughter was an amazing dancing Santa too. XX

? 

[Kirsten]

Oh a Christmas dress!?! I want a Christmas dress!! I didn’t know that was a thing! Lol. Now I just have to convince my wife that I need one. ??

and don’t worry about the heels making you tall. Last month my wife and I went to a comedy show and I wore heels. I was a solid 6-4 in them. I could literally see over everyone in the crowd. It was great! Lol. I was worried about heels till then. But women wear heels. And women are tall. So tall women in heels are just awesome. And not a single person gave me any more looks because I was tall. It’s all about confidence. ?.

Don’t let other people’s issues effect your life Sadie. If you were cis you’d never think about not wearing anything you liked. Find that confidence. It’s hard but once you do.... oh man. Watch out! Cause you’ll be unstoppable. 

[RithiaAllen]

Just now, Kirsten said:

Oh a Christmas dress!?! I want a Christmas dress!! I didn’t know that was a thing! Lol. Now I just have to convince my wife that I need one. ??

and don’t worry about the heels making you tall. Last month my wife and I went to a comedy show and I wore heels. I was a solid 6-4 in them. I could literally see over everyone in the crowd. It was great! Lol. I was worried about heels till then. But women wear heels. And women are tall. So tall women in heels are just awesome. And not a single person gave me any more looks because I was tall. It’s all about confidence. ?.

Don’t let other people’s issues effect your life Sadie. If you were cis you’d never think about not wearing anything you liked. Find that confidence. It’s hard but once you do.... oh man. Watch out! Cause you’ll be unstoppable. 

Don’t forget the bows. ?

[Raven1981]

Are we talking about Christmas dresses?  I want a Christmas dress myself and get all girly up.  I would love to also try out heels, but first, I would need to learn how to walk in them.  I am 6ft tall so heels will make me taller.  But after seeing me in my skirt and matching top.  I am really happy and confident right now and just smiling.

 

Lots of Love

 

Amy

[DeeDee]

3 minutes ago, Kirsten said:

Now I just have to convince my wife that I need one. ??

Just make it a new tradition! Of course - you'll both have to get one to be fair !!!  And of course you are right, up until recently I rarely cared about what I was wearing out.

 

Bows? I do think they look super cute on other people but I would need a more expensive wig to start styling - if you have the hair length though it could work well.

 

Amy - I've included a pic. Its a bit shorter in length than it looked online, but was cheap and cheerful so if I ever get to wear it to a party there will be no twirling! (unless drunk - it used to happen in kilts all the time) but while thin material it flares out just enough at the bottom so that it puts the curves where they should be and will work well with tights.  I need to find some woolen dresses and tops though, I need thicker material.