Coming out to your child?

[Heather L]

(Overanalyzing and probably unnecessary angsting follows.)

 

I'm trying to figure out the best way to come out to my daughter (age 7-almost-8).  She's a wonderful, loving, supportive kid.  I think she'll most likely be fine and supportive, but I expect a lot of confusion.  And I don't want to scare her or upset her.

 

For more context: I'm relatively recently out to myself even -- less than 4 months.  (It has been a very exciting, and also scary, four months!)  I'm out to my wife, who has been super supportive (albeit scared at times) and my sister (totally supportive) and a couple of close friends (also supportive, but in a reserved "let's see" kind of way).  Some people have asked, "why the urgency to come out to your daughter?"  I've given that a lot of thought, and it boils down to: I don't want to keep a big part of who I am secret from her for a long time.  We have a very close relationship, with a lot of trust, and it feels like a violation of that trust to hide this huge thing about me from her.  And I don't want to send the message to her that being trans and wanting to be a woman is a bad thing that should be hidden.  Secondarily, I'm going to have come out to her at some point, and I feel like it would be easier while she's this young than, say, when she's a teenager.  Plus, she's a smart kid -- she'll figure stuff out eventually, and I'd rather be forthright with her.

 

All that said...  I'm still a bit at a loss for the right way to start the conversation.  We've been trying to lay gentle bits of groundwork -- introducing the idea of transgender when we hit "teachable moments" in general conversation, me taking on "girl" roles when we play pretend, talking about the "Yes on 3" (preserve transgender rights) campaign here in Massachusetts this election cycle, I wore a female costume for Halloween, etc.  And we live in a very liberal and largely supportive community -- my daughter has had a number of classmates who have gay or lesbian parents and it's just a normal part of life to her, so she at least has the context that parents aren't just "one man, one woman".  But it's always different when it's someone you're really close to.  She has a very solid idea of me as a man, and is still at the age where parents are perfect and immutable, so I'm not sure how she'll handle this.

 

So I guess I'm partly just venting and fretting here, but I'm also interested in any thoughts.  I assume there are others here who've gone through this step?  Any advice?  Observations on how it went for you?  What worked well or poorly?

 

*hugs* to all.  Thanks!

[Leo]

My adopted son will be 7 in a couple of weeks.  I am also looking for the right answer and I've been out for years.  I don't really know what the best approach is. Follow your heart, keep a sense of humor, don't overcomplicate things, and only say what you absolutely need to say. Similar to the "where do babies come from" talk with a 7 year old. 

 

Unfortunately, my son only wants to have these conversations when we are in the supermarket checkout line.  He likes to fire off all the zingers like what went down two weeks ago while paying for groceries (why doesn't that man have boobs, your a man and you have boobs, do all men have boobs, what are boobs anyway, how come all girls have boobs but all men don't have boobs, will I have boobs, I don't want boobs, boobs are gross....and of course the folks in line and the cashier are waiting for an answer).  

[Jani]

41 minutes ago, Heather L said:

Plus, she's a smart kid -- she'll figure stuff out eventually, and I'd rather be forthright with her.

I wouldn't fret over this.  Children are much more perceptive and observant than we think.  Think back to your own childhood.  As you have been talking around the subject for a bit, maybe you could speak to her about your feelings and  how people are a big mixture of all kinds of ideas and emotions, and sometimes we hide them (or keep them inside) out of fear of hurting others.  Or we are afraid to tell others our deep inner feelings out of fear of not "fitting in."  Then see where the conversations goes.  

 

Jani 

[Heather L]

33 minutes ago, Leo said:

Similar to the "where do babies come from" talk with a 7 year old. 

 

?  For reference, we had that talk with our daughter when she was about 3.  She was the one who WOULD NOT LET UP with questions until she got satisfying answers.  It started with, "You said that it takes a mommy and a daddy to make a baby, but my friend Z has two mommies," and she pushed us through explaining about eggs and sperm, natural and artificial insemination, sex organs, fertilization, egg implantation, and, eventually, sex.  We ended up getting her a medical anatomy textbook for one of her birthdays because she was so intensely curious about it all.  We have had to use very simple words at first, but she wouldn't let us gloss over the substance.  She really wanted to KNOW.  ?  I'm kinda proud of her, though it was also a bit overwhelming.

 

33 minutes ago, Leo said:

 

Unfortunately, my son only wants to have these conversations when we are in the supermarket checkout line.

 

Yeah, this is the part I'm a bit more concerned about.  She's a sweet kid, but she's a very open book and doesn't have a lot of filter on who and when she asks questions -- I suspect that once she knows, all her friends in class will know, and then everybody in the school, and...  I'm trying to decide how I feel about that.  I guess I'm really most concerned about her telling her grandparents -- my inlaws.  While my wife is immensely supportive, I suspect that they...  Would not be.  ?

[Heather L]

37 minutes ago, Jani said:

maybe you could speak to her about your feelings and  how people are a big mixture of all kinds of ideas and emotions, and sometimes we hide them (or keep them inside) out of fear of hurting others.  Or we are afraid to tell others our deep inner feelings out of fear of not "fitting in."  Then see where the conversations goes.  

 

These are good thoughts.  She has been taught at school (and some by us) that "secrets are bad".  (To the degree that we had to distinguish "keeping a surprise [like a present]" from someone from "keeping a secret" from someone.)  So she doesn't have much sense of the subtleties of these things in the adult world.  But these are good ways to walk into those subjects, which she probably needs to be aware of anyway.

 

Thank you!

[Jani]

This hits home with me as I have always said secrets eventually come out.  Better to be honest upfront and reveal at your own schedule.  My gender had been the only secret I ever kept from my wife and family.  I've tried to be an open book and now I am completely.  

 

Yes children need to be made aware that not all people are like them.  I hope this works out well for both of you. 

Jani

[Leo]

7 hours ago, Heather L said:

 I suspect that once she knows, all her friends in class will know, and then everybody in the school, and...  I'm trying to decide how I feel about that.  I guess I'm really most concerned about her telling her grandparents -- my inlaws.  While my wife is immensely supportive, I suspect that they...  Would not be.  ?

I guess you could share everything at once, or share it piece by piece as you transition and she notices the changes.  Have you considered telling the grandparents before you tell your daughter? They may not appreciate hearing such important news from a child. 

 

Your daughter is smart so this may or may not work...Dad loves mom so much he wants to be a woman just like her, and this is what I plan to do to look like her. How do you feel about having two moms? . I will still be your dad on the inside? Your daughter being smart will probably mine you for all the information she needs to be ok with it. Then run off and tell all her friends.