Someone’s Story

[Zetamie]

Hello, I am currently referred to as Zac, I hope someday to be Zea. I’ve struggled sharing my goals of transition into something more feminine on one of the many axis’s of spectrums that we call gender and finding strong support or paths to completing that goal. I am venting this story of my life so far in an attempt to find affirmation, support, and help in my life right now. If you do decide to read this, I apologize for the parts that I jump around and the parts that I ran on about. Here we go.

 

I was a very emotional child, and being able to communicate my emotions and thoughts was a important thing I needed to do to make friends. Upon entering school I quickly learned that that is not something easy for a boy to find. Other boys tended to take advantage of my sensitivities and emotions, using them to tease and manipulate me. Girls tended to segregate themselves from the boys in early school, however outside of school I found my friendships with girls seemed much stronger and developed easier, but being sheltered and limited in hanging out with friends outside of school, most of those friendships didn’t last. Due to struggles to create friendships and excessive bullying, I made a promise to kill myself by the time I reached the age of 18. With that promise cemented into my head, I sort of just tried to move through the motions of life when in public. I began to admire the social circles that girls developed, I envied their beauty, and at night I would try on my sisters clothes, wishing that my body would shape to them. Into middle school as we learned anatomy, I was fascinated by the females ability to create life, nurture it as it grows within them and as well after birth, quickly making anatomy and reproduction into my favorite subject. My jealousy exponentially increased as puberty hit, as girls developed into the amazing beings that they are and I fell further and further from anything relatable to that glory that I wanted for my self. When my parents discovered I would occasionally wear my sisters clothes at night they expressed enough disapproval for me to avoid bringing the topic up with them. Into high school I was able to make lasting friendships with many girls. It allowed me to express my self in lots of ways, however I still experienced boundaries as they still treated me like a guy and not as a ‘girlfriend’, as well as hitting personal boundaries like how I felt awkward spending time with them as a friend while also internally envying and admiring them like one would a celebrity role model, that and male hormones didn’t help either. My closest friendships became relationships which eventually fell apart as young relationships do, socially pushing me away from these friends that I would have just loved to stay best friends with. 

 

After grade school, I struggled with college, my last relationship ended roughly and most of my friends, especially the ones I was close with on a emotional level, had moved to colleges out of town leaving me with little to no support. As well depression led me to fall behind in college and eventually lose my aid there. I fell into the social circles of my local game store which did help me a lot, but few of those relationships amounted to anything more then something of the level of a ‘work friend’ and with my parents consistently guilting me into working construction with my dad, I found less and less time to build those friendships. An attempt of suicide later and still being lost in a life I didn’t plan to still be living in, I found the courage to move out and find a job separate from what my parents insisted. I was able to build stronger friendships like the one with my now current wife and mother of two. 

 

Which brings me to life as it is now, I am happily married to a wonderful and supportive woman, with a 4 year old daughter I plan to adopt as my own(from wife’s previous relationship) and a 1 year old son. My depression is being managed with the support of my family and medication, but I am struggling with medical coverage and probably won’t be able to have insurance until late spring due to moving to a city with a better job/family service system. So I can’t even think about officially transitioning or even talking to a therapist about it until I get coverage and adopt my daughter. I have purchased clothing for myself but my figure is not very feminine thanks to the binge eating of depression mixed with how men gain fat vs women gain fat as well as the muscle I have gained from work. My wife buys me makeup, but the artistry of makeup intimidates me and scares me no matter how much I may want to master it. I play with my voice as I sing to songs on my phone in private, but haven’t recorded myself to actually see if I’m making any positive effect. I work a dirty and physically demanding warehouse job, so it is scary to think of transitioning while working there and support from the few coworkers I have opened up to is minimal. My wife is supportive but also cautious about the topic, as well I haven’t opened up to most of our friends because they seem to be very critical people, even though I know they could be very supportive. I feel as if I am in a daunting stalemate with life, whenever I find the comfort to explore myself I run into a roadblock or become intimidated with this fear of being judged for my mistakes that I developed from being bullied throughout childhood. I feel trapped, locked in place, sometimes even defeated, not knowing what I can do to move in the directions I want to or even just feel positive about myself until I can start moving.

 

So yeah, that is my mess, I’m sorry I told it in such a messy way, whether or not you read this, I am hoping that venting this all into words and throwing it out there will help me with my problems. Thank you for your time and may your times be wonderful.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Zea,

Welcome to TransPulse. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Many of us have had to go through a similar situation such as yours. Just know that you're not alone.  You didn't mention that you'd ever counseled with a gender therapist. If you haven't, I'd highly recommend that you do so. They can help you sort out things that are difficult and/or confusing to you and set you in a direction that would be right for you.  I'd also recommend that you join the chat here if you haven't already. Interacting with others in the same situation that you're in can be very therapeutic.

We're glad that you've joined us.

 

MaryEllen

[VickySGV]

You say you are moving to a larger city in the near future, and you might want to connect with and LGBT Center since many LGBT people do have health and health insurance problems and the centers either has its own medical department or has doctors on a list that will take you on a sliding scale,, or have some way to help you get affordable insurance.  Give that a thought and a chance.  I am on the board of directors of an LGBTQ center and while mine is still new, we do know ways to help our members with those things, even if it is to get them phone numbers for a larger neighboring Center who has those facilities.

[Zetamie]

Thank you for taking the time to look through my story.

 

@MaryEllen I have plans to find a gender therapist, but without health insurance as well as avoiding coming out officially or publicly due to the fear of any of my interests in transition being used against me in the adoption of my daughter. I may join the chat ata time I feel more courageous and comfortable with immediate response. Thank you for the welcoming response.

 

@VickySGV The city I am moving to isn’t nesasarrily bigger, but their government programs involve actual people rather then machines that turn you into a few numbers and process you without all the information (I got healthcare when I lived there before but not in the county I am currently in). There many programs in my new homes city since it is a college town, some I even have connections to some via childhood friends and family friends, but interacting with those groups takes a lot of courage that I don’t know I have. I have friends that are quite far in transitions but talking to them about this is very intimidating for me. While my social anxiety has been mostly put under control since beginning work, dealing with important matter or putting deep feeling out there for others to see causes it to flare and terrifies me. But I do know these resources are extremely valuable for someone like me and I am making efforts to tackle my inhibitions and move forward. ?

[MaryEllen]

There's no need to rush anything. Just go with what you are comfortable with.

 

MaryEllen

[Susan R]

Hello Zea,  it's a pleasure to meet you.  The struggles you have are hard to overcome but with time and perserverence, things will get better.  You are doing the right thing by reaching out.  There are plenty of us out there and it's only a matter of time before you develop lifelong friends that won't wither away like those you experienced growing up.  You've already met a few here in this thread and there are plenty more.  Sharing your journey here will help others and yourself.  For me, it's very therapeutic and along the way I have met so many wonderful people.  You can too.  There are several of us who live chat on TransPulse's Discord server.  Look for the link above and maybe even give it a try.  There are serveral channels there.  I'm usually in the MtF channel if you need an ear.  Hope to see you there someday.

 

Best Holiday Wishes to you and your family,

Susan R?

[Jani]

Hey Zea, welcome!  

 

On 12/21/2018 at 4:56 PM, Zetamie said:

So yeah, that is my mess...

OK so you've got a mess.  Messes can be tidied up and it seems like you've made some inroads in a positive direction.  Congratulations.  

 

Your wife appears to be supportive and that is a positive.  Understand she might not fully comprehend the scope of this so be kind, go slow, and grow together, not apart.  

 

Getting out there in public is terrifying, until you do it a couple times and you realize its not a big deal.  Obviously you need to pick your times and locations so to not put yourself in danger.  Many people just don't notice others around them as much as we might think.  

 

As to makeup, since your wife bought it for you have her teach you to use it.  Practice.  Take a photo.  Try again.   Just remember that you don't see women with full makeup (like going to a party or other social event) when they are out shopping or doing casual activities.  Less is More.  Use make up to enhance your looks, not change them.  Too much will certainly draw the attention you don't want.  My daytime routine is foundation, a little blush for my cheeks and maybe a lip color (I like soft browns or light pinks.)  Personally I avoid bright reds and the such unless I'm all dressed up (like going to a wedding...)  I try to blend in to society.   Save the experimentation on wild combinations for home only.  

 

Again, Welcome and best of luck!
Jani