So I came out about a month ago..

[Bad]

Not to everybody in my life, but I told a few people. I only asked my friends to call me a different name and use different pronouns. But if I'm honest, although I was happy I told them, I started feeling really fake and don't know what to make of it. They kept messing up with my name/pronouns too, and I understand it takes time to shift, but it got me thinking maybe I jumped the gun...? Like I'm not entirely ready to come out yet.

 

I don't know. I feel like deep down, past my anxiety and fear, I know who I am. I don't really envision myself being a wife, or anything like that. I almost feel like I'm still a kid though, like I never grew up because I never explored my identity in the way that made sense to me. But even living as female, I feel that I'm not on the binary and that makes me a little insecure about how I'm identifying (transguy). Transitioning to me doesn't mean anything other than character development; I just want to grow into the person I've always wanted to be. Medical intervention may be part of that journey. My entire life I've felt more of a guy than a girl. I'm soft though, and I don't want to conform if I choose to go on HRT. That's one of my biggest fears -- that I will disconnect from my emotional self on T.

 

I'm in a place of fear right now too. My home is not safe for me to come out in. And when I do, I will lose my relationship with my mother probably and a few other family members too. I'm the type of person to want to live freely though, so the more I discover myself the harder it is to keep quiet about my findings. When I graduate from college, I want to move to a place where trans people are relatively accepted, so I can start over there and not look back.

 

This is also one of the reasons I joined Pulse. I need to talk to others who understand. So I will definitely try to be more active here... but in the meantime, figuring out how to get what I need IRL is pretty daunting.

[SugarMagnolia]

Hey Bad,

Yes, it can be tough at times to know what to do. And the relief in being out to a few people can be compromised by their reactions and support. It's natural to have some of these issues and feelings, though. If you're not sure that you're ready to come out yet, that's OK. Just take your time and go at your pace. It's YOUR transition and you get to choose how quickly to move.

Your thought about simply wanting to grow into the person you've always wanted to be sounds 100% on the mark, though. How far from graduating are you?

[Susan R]

Just now, Bad said:

I started feeling really fake and don't know what to make of it. They kept messing up with my name/pronouns too, and I understand it takes time to shift, but it got me thinking maybe I jumped the gun...?

You're right...it does take time.  We want it all to change so fast..and I understand that.   I can't speak for others but this is the exact case for me too.  Try not to worry about this specific issue of not feeling "your true self" this early on around others.  They are making an effort to acknowledge you as your true self and it takes time for it all to sink in for them too.  In time, it will become second nature for them and you'll likely start to feel "yourself" around them more and more.

My wife started calling me Susan when crossdressed at home just 3 weeks ago.  I'm still trying to mentally adapt to it even though it's been my female name since ~1985.  It takes some getting used to and her acceptance of Susan and using that name is all new for her too.

You'll be fine in time with this issue.  Imho, you and I are still in that awkward adjustment period so give yourself a little slack and enjoy being you.

 

Susan R?

[Bad]

Just now, SugarMagnolia said:

Hey Bad,

Yes, it can be tough at times to know what to do. And the relief in being out to a few people can be compromised by their reactions and support. It's natural to have some of these issues and feelings, though. If you're not sure that you're ready to come out yet, that's OK. Just take your time and go at your pace. It's YOUR transition and you get to choose how quickly to move.

Your thought about simply wanting to grow into the person you've always wanted to be sounds 100% on the mark, though. How far from graduating are you?

 

It's almost unreal how true that is, something I didn't anticipate until I actually told some people. Yeah I definitely need to remind myself to just take it easy sometimes. Like Susan said below, we want instant change but it doesn't happen that way.

 

I'm about 2 years from graduating, shorter if I work super hard. I'm exploring the possibility of dorming next year though so I won't have to be in my house; I might have more wiggle room to be out at school if I can do this!

 

Just now, Susan R said:

You're right...it does take time.  We want it all to change so fast..and I understand that.   I can't speak for others but this is the exact case for me too.  Try not to worry about this specific issue of not feeling "your true self" this early on around others.  They are making an effort to acknowledge you as your true self and it takes time for it all to sink in for them too.  In time, it will become second nature for them and you'll likely start to feel "yourself" around them more and more.

My wife started calling me Susan when crossdressed at home just 3 weeks ago.  I'm still trying to mentally adapt to it even though it's been my female name since ~1985.  It takes some getting used to and her acceptance of Susan and using that name is all new for her too.

You'll be fine in time with this issue.  Imho, you and I are still in that awkward adjustment period so give yourself a little slack and enjoy being you.

 

Susan R?

 

Thank you so much for this message, Susan. It's very reassuring. I am definitely too hard on myself sometimes so I needed to read that. It's awkward for sure but those feelings don't reflect reality, which is.. I am who I am.