(CW: Lots of stuff) Not sure where to go from here

[Cindy Truheart]

I began to transition 2 years and 8 months ago. I've discovered a lot about myself in that time.

 

I used to think I was a Cisgender man who was attracted to women, but that wasn't the truth, simply looking at myself could have told me something wasn't right in that description.

 

I'm a Demi-Heterosexual, Non-Binary Trans woman. I like men, but I have no attraction to anyone until I have an intimate bond with them first. Going to bars or being on dating apps is... beyond problematic for me. I'm also Autistic, something I never would have known if I hadn't discovered that I'm trans.

 

Being Demisexual and Autistic, I've come to understand that I process the world differently. I'm okay with that, except for the fact that I continue to have difficulties in understanding people, social situations, and of course, dating. This doesn't begin to touch my Social Anxiety, Depression, or PTSD.

 

The more I realize about myself, the more I come to understand that, I'm the weird one in the group who is allowed to tag along because someone feels sorry for me.

 

I wasn't that when I was pretending to be a cis guy. In fact, I'm ashamed to say that I was one of the ones secretly making fun of others behind their backs. Because I learned what I needed to do to not stand out, to not become a target. Being an overt bully was frowned upon, but I could throw shade with the best of them.

 

I'm not proud of that. Deeply ashamed would be a more appropriate description. I vowed to try and make sure that I would NEVER do that to another person again.

 

Because of my differences, I'm finding life to be more challenging that I expected, post transition. And I'm not sure how to deal with it.

 

I have one friend, my ex-wife as a matter of fact, who has become my roommate. She dates men, I date men, life should be good right? Except that she dates a lot of men and complains about how none of them are perfect and I can't find one who will treat me with basic human dignity. So I gave up on dating.

 

I spent a small fortune on achieving a life-long dream, I try to get out and do things in situations that I'm comfortable in, but ultimately I'm stuck in a rut of the same old thing. I don't meet new people, I don't have new experiences. My world consists of my apartment, my cat, my roommate, and my job. Every time I try to break that cycle, it fails. There are various reasons for this, but no matter what, it fails.

 

I drink much more than I should. It's less than what it was before transition, but it's going back up lately. Something is always sending me into a tail spin these days. Something is always setting me off, sometimes like it used to. I used to be able to pound any door or wall to dust with my fists on a moments notice. I got used to being covered in my own blood. With the help of my therapist we discovered that I'm not lashing out in anger at others, I'm actually trying to punish myself. Hitting things and seeing them destroyed means nothing, I have to hurt, to feel pain, sometimes to the point of being unable to move my hand for days. Lately, ...I've been craving that feeling. I've been needing that level of pain.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, what do I do next?

I'm not used to making my own decisions in life. I tried that and spent a lot of money, I don't regret it, but I can't throw money at life and expect happiness. Besides, my company keeps losing contracts so I'm going to be out of work soon if the trend continues.

I guess I'm just trying to hope against hope that things will be okay in the end. Unfortunately I don't believe that right now.

 

And I'm honestly wondering, where do I go from here?

[Susan R]

 

15 minutes ago, Cindy Truheart said:

Because of my differences, I'm finding life to be more challenging that I expected, post transition. And I'm not sure how to deal with i

Hi Cindy,  it's nice to meet you.  I was going to ask you what was most challenging post transition but you did explain very well what those are.  What I'm not sure about is how these challenges relate to each other.  E.g.; does the drinking increase your feelings of anger or vice versa.  Are transition difficulties, trouble with men, not having enough allies/supporters, or perhaps family issues causing both or maybe just one of these issue of drinking and anger?  I'm not suggesting you need it but have you continued with therapy or did you stop awhile ago?  Have you considered it?

 

One thing I have found helpful for myself when I find myself in a rut and not able to break the endless cycle....I introduce something new into my life.  This could be something you like or something you may have once thought about.  It could be anything...maybe getting a new pet to care for, find someone to go to a comedy club, dancing, church, anything you're currently not doing.  But the key is to change up you current daily pattern with some new investment of your time.  I know that it's an even more rare commodity these days but it takes time to make change in your life.  You can't do the same thing everyday and except a big difference in the result.  Brainstorm with your ex...she must know you pretty well.  Maybe she can think of something you haven't.  Just a thought.

 

Susan R?

[Cyndee]

Hi Cindy, welcome back dear, I will just mention this, that transition will not solve your life problems, you will still have the same issues to face post transition. If drinking is a problem (you have mentioned this before), consider going to a support group (AA or other), you would realize the double benefit of meeting others and perhaps help yourself at the same time. There all kinds of interest groups you could pursue if meeting others is the goal. Do you like the outdoors ? Colorado has beautiful mountains and natural scenery, sometimes having a little solitude in a beautiful setting can be very therapeutic, or joining a group for a day outing with others for example. Music is very powerful and therapeutic, do you play an instrument ? Perhaps strumming on a guitar would be soothing, or enhance creativity ? Learning an instrument can benefit the mind in many ways and with music you can meet all kinds of people with music being the universal language. Just presenting a few ideas here. It's really up to you to be the agent of change.

 

Best wishes

 

Cynthia -

[Charlize]

Hi Cindy.   Like you i spent much of my life trying to blend into cis gender society.  As i did so i never stood up for the LGBTQ community.  I am certainly not proud of that but at the time i felt i had to hide.  Fear was my primary motivator in too many of my actions.  Fortunately i have let those actions (or lack of them) go.  I also was a heavy drinker and as you described that drinking while seeming progressively worse seemed to have what felt like waves of intensity.  I found i was powerless to stop.  At the time that became a license to drink myself to death.  I came way to close when i died in a recovery room after an operation that my excesses had made necessary.  They brought me back but despite the experience i was back to the bottle as soon as i could walk.  

Today i'm sober.  Almost 12 years ago i reached out for help.   I am blessed that the program of AA helped me not only with my drugs dependency but with accepting myself as i am today.  That is a blessing!

Perhaps you can join us either at the meeting at the chatrooms or at TGAA which has a list serve as well as Zoom meetings during the week.

 

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kirsten]

I’m not too sure what you mean by where do you go now. 2 years and 8 months ago you decided to transition. So you did. Life never stopped though. It just keeps on plugging along. Your past issues are still there. Maybe they got back burnered because you were very busy with the transition part of your life, but that only fixes one thing. It allows you to live as yourself. All the rest is still waiting for you. It sounds maybe like you’re bored. Maybe pick up with some old hobbies from pre transition? Just because your gender is different doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy things you once did. 

I think you just have to move forward. That’s where you go from here. Like any person. If you have things about you that you feel need to be different, well change them. If you have any professional or private goals wishes or dreams, go grab them. Make them happen! 

You have this wonderful life just sitting there right in your lap. The possibilities are literally infinite. Make it what you want! There are no rules that say you have to do x,y, or z. Make Cindy shine!! 

[SugarMagnolia]

16 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

I try to get out and do things in situations that I'm comfortable in, but ultimately I'm stuck in a rut of the same old thing. I don't meet new people, I don't have new experiences. My world consists of my apartment, my cat, my roommate, and my job. Every time I try to break that cycle, it fails. There are various reasons for this, but no matter what, it fails.

This isn't failure, it's learning. If each time you try, you're learning something new about yourself then that's a good thing. Try centering the result on the process. If you're discovering "various reasons" then you ARE having new experiences. They may not be the ones you want or expect, but they could well be the ones you need.

Changes don't even have to be big ones. If you're like me it's easy to rely on habits...all kinds of habits. Try varying them (following bullets taken from a blog I like to read):

• Take a different route to work than you usually do, and a different route home. Pay attention to the new experiences you have on this journey.
• Shop at a different grocery store and get ingredients that you don’t usually get, in order to eat different meals than usual.
• Try breaking your usual morning routine by going out for a short walk before you have your breakfast and sit down for work. 
• Find a way to meet a new person every week, or at least every month. People are the most powerful gateway to new memories and a longer, richer life.

I understand a little bit about how you're feeling. I felt stuck like that for about 10 years. It's not fun, but it can change!

Julie

[Cindy Truheart]

Thank you all for your advice on this. I know that it's been a while, I kind of went off the rails there for a while.

 

So that you all know, I do go out and do things when I can. But I've found that forcing myself to do things is counter-productive. I tend to make things worse if I push it. I do try to get into new hobbies every so often, but it's kinda like sitting down to dinner and constantly trying a different dish when each of them ends up seeming okay at first but then taste like sand.

 

Two things seem to be helping me.

1) I have a Harley and when the weather permits, I ride her and forget about the world.

2) I have discovered a new book that seems to have answers. It's called "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving". So far, what I've learned in this book is the only thing that has made sense to me post transition.

 

I opened up a Pandora's Box when I accepted who I am. That means that the damage done to me from other trauma is coming to the surface. My friends, please see your brothers, sisters, and others in this light. Understand that I didn't know that having a father who gave me concussions wasn't normal. Understand that I didn't know that other parents didn't deny their children physical contact (HUGS) after the age of six. Understand that I didn't understand that other parents didn't ignore their children and refuse to be part of their lives. Understand that I didn't know that other parents didn't require their children to be slave labor. Understand that I didn't understand that other parents didn't get drunk and hurt their kids. Understand that I didn't know that other parents refused to help their kids when it would place a burden on them. Understand that I didn't understand that other parents would go and visit their children when they moved away and didn't require that the children come to them.

 

I think that my damage runs deep. But I think that I can recover from it, eventually. That is more hope than I thought possible when I first started this discussion. Please encourage others to seek out this book! Despite still being in therapy, it wasn't working! This book opened up things that I didn't realize were there! Please help others and let them know that this help is here! I went to a very bad place before I was given this book. I don't want others to go there....

[Jordy]

As another survivor of childhood abuse and neglect from parents that had no idea what they were doing, I feel you.  I'm still recovering from somethings as well.  Being in a position to accept and love myself as I really am has helped immensely. Coming to terms that my parents are humans and make mistakes and chose to be selfish was hard. I kept thinking it was my fault somehow. It's not our fault. It's their fault.  But, how we choose to live as adults coming from this place of feeling unlovable is up to us.  Look back at how your parents treated you, note what hurt you, and choose to be better.  Break the cycle and this includes when dealing with yourself. In fact, I would say it matters most when looking at how you treat yourself.  Much love, hugs and open inbox if you need it.

 

Jordy