I feel like I’m hurting my mom...

[My name isn’t Megan]

Things with my mom have been difficult since I came out to her. Despite the issues that have arisen, we’re starting to find more space to talk openly about my transgender feelings. The more I learn about her feelings and views, the more I feel like I’m causing her harm. She’s torn between wanting to care for me emotionally, wanting to protect me, and staying true to her beliefs as a Christian. Seeing her so torn up over my feelings makes me feel responsible, and I hate it. We’re seeing a family therapist, which helps, but I’m at a loss for what I can do otherwise. I barely even know what I want at this point, which makes it even harder when she wants to know more. 

 

Any advice would be helpful. ❤️

[DeeDee]

Just now, My name isn’t Megan said:

but I’m at a loss for what I can do otherwise.

Megan, while it is a testament of your love for your mum, I would say that it's important that you do not take on her emotional baggage, you are not responsible for her feelings - she is.

With any major change there has to be a period of adjustment where she has to knock down her old barriers and fears and then the new relationship can be built, she does not have to lose her beliefs as a Christian, simply investigate them from a different perspective she's never needed to before... Matthew 5:15-16 says "Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.."

 

You are just discovering your light after hiding it for so long. It is how you treat others that will testify to what kind of person you are. ?

[Susan R]

Just now, My name isn’t Megan said:

I barely even know what I want at this point, which makes it even harder when she wants to know more. 

Hi Megan,  Only you know want you want.  As an outsider, I can only speculate.  In your posts, I can see two things that really stand out.  First, you want to be yourself, whatever that is for you.  Secondly, you want a good relationship with your mom.  Those two things are clear to me.  You believe that those two things are in direct conflict with each other.  I see no way to change who you are inside..your being.  That is a given.  The second thing of having a good relationship with your mom is the only part of these two "wants" that can be changed, imho.  Since your probably both wanting the best for each other, time, patience, understanding through communication are needed.  Time is the most critical.  People's beliefs take time to adapt to new ideas.  Time is exactly what your mom needs.  Give her that time and assure her that you are ok.  I can only hope that your therapist is a good one and can help you both in this life adjustment.  These changes are an ongoing thing in our lives.  There will likely be some compromises in both your life and your mom's.  I have a different situation yet similar struggles, myself..if that makes any sense.  Good luck on building a new foundation with your mom.  It's a lot of work.

 

Susan R?

[Jani]

5 hours ago, My name isn’t Megan said:

the more I feel like I’m causing her harm

Well maybe you are, but... this is about your life and the growth you can attain.  She needs to grow as well.  You growing will only make her a better person.  

 

My thoughts on Christian values are that we should protect others values as well as ours.  

 

Not knowing what you want is all right.  You are still growing and learning.  Don't despair.

 

Jani

 

[Beverly]

Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. We're born this way. Being a Christian and transgender aren't mutually exclusive. I hold a senior leadership position in my church in the 4th largest Christian denomination in the heart of a large city. A mother grieving when she learns her child is actually the opposite gender is a normal, healthy, initial response. Understand you did absolutely nothing to cause that grief. A mother's love is a powerful thing, and my bet is that she will come around, and being in therapy together should help, if the therapist is qualified to handle these issues. Lots of love your way. You're going to be fine.