Accepting/loving yourself

[Ashlee]

Hi all, Sorry for the long post but it may help someone I hope. I just wanted to write about my experience with the struggle and importance of accepting myself/yourself. I'm finally in a good place in life. I'm finally being gendered as "her/she" a lot, a whole lot lately. I'm actually happy. I still have dysphoria but realize things take time but are progressing slowly. It wasn't always good times and I'm sure I'll more bad or tough times ahead. 

I hated myself. During my first transition I freaked out, did something very selfish, stupid and ended up in the hospital. I hated myself and was ashamed of being trans. I tried to be manly after that and it was even worse and harder to live as a boy. Finally after a long time of depression and hopelessness I finally sought medical help once again. This time I went to therapy and group. That has made all the difference. 

I cannot stress enough the importance and the impact therapy and group have been. Just opening up to people that are in the same boat as you are. Getting feelings and fears out in the open. Getting advice from others further in transition and following through with the advice. 

Some advice I got was to let go. Let go of everything. Let go of negative people. Let go of the care of acceptance. Let go of the fear of "what if" let go of the shame I felt for my feelings. Let go of everything so I could start to embrace the good. 

Well, that is exactly what I have done. I have made peace with myself. I'm at peace with the fact that I am not a cis woman and can never be one. Doesn't matter. I'm a woman none the less, just a different type of woman. I'm also at peace with not being straight. I'm proud to pansexual. I'm just open to more possibilities then. I've let go of people. Friends and family that have not accepted the fact that I am trans. I'm ok with the losses. Makes my life easier actually. Removal of negative people leaves more room for positive people and believe me they're there. Some of my biggest fears are actually my biggest support team. Most of my family, my bosses, coworkers and many many friends have helped me up and helped me be proud of me. 

Because of group and talking to strangers now without having a panic attack. I have gained the confidence to talk to family and friends. To see the consequences, accept them and move on no matter the outcome.

Without the fear of people "finding out" or even without the fear of rejection you can start to live. Just live. It's so awesome. I went shopping with a friend today all over. We were helping each other in the dressing rooms. Trying on skirts, corsets and the cutest little crop but anyways, it was fuuuun. Coffee lunch...... On and on. We get called ladies, ma'am, her, she.... All day. All the time now. My friend is a cis girl btw. We're going to pride next week too. (yaaaay) Not just today but all the time, with all my girl crew. We just strut around like nothing. 

Because group has given me the knowledge and courage to accept me. It has given me the courage to come out, to everyone. All my social media, in person and everyone in my life. I'm not ashamed anymore and Im not afraid to not be accepted. I just don't care anymore. I attribute this to therapy and group. The fact that I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. I'm not alone in the world. There are millions and millions of people just like me. We are just people like everyone else. We love, laugh, play and work just like everyone else. We have the right to live our lives in peace and happiness just like everyone else. Because of group and therapy I am proud of me. Im proud of the woman I have always been inside and proud to be the woman I am on the outside. I will Not hide anymore in shame. Don't get me wrong, I do fear for my safety at times but that is another topic. 

For now if I could help just one person with this then yaaaay! 

So yes, go to therapy. Find a support group. I drive over an hour twice a month for mine and it's worth it. Surround yourself with the positive people in your life. Get rid of the negative closed minded people. Be proud. Being trans isn't anything to be ashamed about. No more than being tall or short or gay or straight. Be you! Be proud. If you can't accept yourself how can you expect others to accept you(my group said this). Once you love yourself and accept yourself others will do the same. Be beautiful, or handsome if ftm. Be awesome, be you! 

Ashlee ❤️

 

[EvanC]

Thanks so much for writing this. I've been slipping into a dark place tonight, thinking I can never really be who I feel on the inside. I came onto the forum hoping for a little cheering up, and there was your post. 

 

It's wonderful that you are able to be you, and inspiring to me that I could get there someday.  Just, thanks.

[Cyndee]

6 hours ago, Ashlee said:

Some advice I got was to let go. Let go of everything. Let go of negative people. Let go of the care of acceptance. Let go of the fear of "what if" let go of the shame I felt for my feelings. Let go of everything so I could start to embrace the good. 

Well, that is exactly what I have done. ❤️

 

 

 

 

This is awesome to read Ashlee, and it's so true. What you have posted above, I totally agree with, and it's just like I said  to many here "Free your mind instead", an old quote from John Lennon(he had such great ideas). That's what you've done Ashlee, you let go of the toxic, and replace it with supportive and positive people, makes a huge difference. It's seems like such a simple thing here in words, but put in practice does change lives, I am so glad to read your post Ashlee this morning very uplifting.

 

Have a great day and hugs....

 

Cyndee -

[KymmieL]

Ashlee, again wise words. Spoken from experience. I do intend on doing exactly what you have done. Those that are negative towards me becoming a woman who needs them. I am finally starting to somewhat like myself. It is taking time. I am getting closer and closer to putting myself as number one.

 

Thanks, Ashlee.

 

Kymmie

[Ashlee]

I hope that this post helps people. I was terrified of people finding out about the way I felt inside. Transition is so hard and lonely if you have no support or can't accept yourself. I believe that self acceptance the absolute number one thing you can do. Once you accept yourself others will accept you and support you, at least I'm my case that's what happened.