I got sober.

[Davi W-D]

Very first ever A.A. meeting was 23 Sep 1975. Back room of a seedy diner on Hampton Blvd in Norfolk VA.

Here is the "WHY".

 

I had finished a 96 hour liberty that my supervisor had given me so I could go out and celebrate my freedom because the woman that made me a man (I didn't figure this out until I had a second marriage fail about 14 years later. But, I stayed sober.) had divorced me.

 

I had gone to medical because I was passing blood from both ends and after he weighed me (126#) the Corpsman asked me how much I drank. I lied, "Just a little." He told me he thought I had 3 choices. 

1. Stop drinking and keep eating and live.

2. Keep drinking and end up squirting baby food into my intestines through a tube in my side.

OR

3.  If I was lucky, I would die quick.

 

I said, "I don't know how to live without drinking." My very first bit of self honesty..

He replied., "Then I guess you are going to die."

"I don't want to die." and he handed me a business card with a Circle and Triangle on one side and a hand written phone number on the other side and said. "Call that number and some will either tell you where to go or come get you and take you to a place where you can find out how to live One Day At A Time without drinking."  

 

I made the call and when I found out where I had to go, I asked for a ride because I had another bit of self honesty. I knew there was no way I could get past 3 miles of strip joints, peep shows, honky tonks, dance halls, show bars, and hookers. Get the movie The Last Detail to see what I am talking about.

 

Here is HOW I was convinced I was an Alcoholic.

 

It was a candle light meeting of WWII and Korean War veterans and everyone except me and another guy the driver picked up were OLD and missing body parts.

I do not remember anything that was said, but, I do remember that everyone seemed happy!!

 

Old and missing body parts and they were happy?? 

 

At the end of the meeting they read the following. 

 

FOR MOST normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt -- and
one more failure.
The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did -- then

would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen --Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!  

 

 

I Understood!!!

Do You??

What convinced you??

To Be Continued with HOW I got sober.

Edited March 2, 2019 by Carolyn Marie
replaced all caps b/c it's the equivalent of shouting.

[Davi W-D]

I WAS SHOUTING..

 

Shouting the good news that someone does NOT have to be living under a bridge to be an alcoholic. (or addict) You don't need to be a DUI felon. You can be someone in purely powerful mental and emotional turmoil and denial.

 

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 1st and 2nd Edition (what I started with) has places where they used all caps because they were shouting the good news or to simply get the attention of those living in denial.

 

Quote

FOREWORD TO THE FIRST EDITION (Also in the 2nd Edition)
This is the Foreword as it appeared in the first printing of the first edition in 1939
WE, OF Alcoholics Anonymous, are more than one hundred men and woman who have recovered from a seemingly hope less state of mind and body. To show other alcoholics PRECISELY HOW WE HAVE RECOVERED is the main purpose of this book. For them, we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary. We think this account of our experience s will help everyone to better understand the alcoholic. Many do not comprehend that the alcoholic is a very sick person.
And besides, we are sure that our way of living has its advantages for all.

 

Quote

From the 2nd Edition

AFTER ALL, OUR PROBLEMS WERE OF OUR OWN MAKING. (Through my denial.) BOTTLES WERE ONLY A SYMBOL. BESIDES, WE HAVE STOPPED FIGHTING ANYBODY (especially myself) OR ANYTHING (my desire to be who I am). WE HAVE TO! (I was killing myself and I didn't even know it. I went on, even in sobriety, even after I had transitioned,  to unknowingly try to kill myself 2 more times until people that cared about me yelled at me to get my attention and break my denial.)

 

Denial is after all the the root cause of "gender dysphoria".  So I shouted that I understood and shouted asking if someone else understood in the hope of breaking their denial.

 

Dysphoria (from Greek: δύσφορος (dysphoros), δυσ-, difficult, and φέρειν, to bear) is a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany *depression, anxiety, or *agitation. 

How are those words different from these??

Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair

 

My protégés.

I have the honor of having 3 "MTF transexuals" (One with grave emotional and mental disorders like me) that are staying sober. Two for over 10 years (One of those was sent to me by the people at her first meeting who had a total of nearly 200 years of sobriety who decided that I was the perfect person to be her role model for recovery. I could not refuse to work with her.)  and one coming up on five (She lived in her using as a woman. She still has unrealistic beliefs (denial) about what it means to be a woman so she currently lives as a "gay male" killing herself with food. Another of my attempts at death.)

I also have a recovering "white supremacist, gay basher" as a protégé coming up on 11 years and he attends the local once a week "gay AA meeting" with the others. He also has early onset dementia and diabetes related hearing loss so he tends to forget that the rest of us don't need for him to talk very loud to hear him. We understand though that the he talks loud so he can hear himself and maybe not forget how to stay sober.

I have 2 protégés with HIV.

All of them have screamed at me and I have screamed at them and we are all staying sober with the help our individual HP's. Recovery isn't a calm, gentile, quiet process.

I have an FTM, that has unrealistic beliefs (denial) about what it means to be a "male"  that isn't staying sober. She refuses to scream about anything. Thinks that is the sign of being a "bad male".

I have an in the closet either lesbian or bisexual women with grave emotional and mental disorders (like me) that is not staying sober because of her religion induced, (like some of mine) denial. I didn't get past my denial until I was willing to scream at "god". I have hope for her since she has started to scream at me asking me if I think I am "GOD" and when I loudly and firmly say "NO! I am just an alcoholic that is willing to scream at the "god" that was forced on me as a child and it is ok for you to do that too.". She says I am screaming. 

 

I have read several threads in this section that break my heart because the denial is being justified and reinforced by the other posters rather than pointed out.

 

When a child is darting into the street, do you whisper, "stop" to get their attention?

 

Sorry. I am old school AA. The book is my guide.

 

In the next section of my experience on getting sober, probably next week so people have time to digest this thread and maybe read the book,  I will tell the story of the old Marine Gunny Sargent that was missing a leg and how he gave me the instructions for how to get sober.

 

 

* Also words, in the BB. 

Respectfully Davi W-D

[VickySGV]

Davi -- I need to refer you to our Site and Forum Rules http://www.transgenderpulse.com/community-rules/

as far as post composition and actions by Admins or Moderators that even us other recovering Alcoholic / Addict members follow.  Your enthusiasm and obvious love of the program is showing for sure.  One of our Moderators runs several on-line recovery meetings, including one in our own Chat area.  I will let them introduce themselves in the interests of Anonymity if they wish to.  I have stated that I am an Alcoholic above and I hope you will look back and see some of my posts over the years.  Our rules here are very much like the Traditions of AA in that they give us a ground plan that all can communicate and enjoy under.

[Charlize]

    Welcome Davi.  My name is Charlize and i am an alcoholic.  I remember joining this forum some time ago.  I was fairly new in sobriety with 5 years but with the memory of seeing the "suggested steps" as being critical to living.  When i came here i felt the same way.  I tried to see the wisdom in the rules and eventually appreciated the environment where despite of differences between all the members there was a safety and chance to express oneself about issues long held in the closet.

     We do have a substance abuse meeting in the chatroom every Sunday at 9 eastern.  

There're also TGAA meetings on a list serve with audio, visual Zoom meetings run in a normal AA format 4 nights a week.  I especially enjoy that group where there is very long term sobriety as well as a few new comers who hopefully find some relief from the hell of addiction.

     I'm glad you have joined us here.  A great many trans folk have substance issues so the hand of AA reaching out is critical.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize