Scared To Make Transition

[Tessa]

I’m back at it again. If I have money I’m buying woman’s clothes and I jump into my fantasy life as Tessa Williams. I want to show the world who I really am but I am scared to do so. I’ve gotten pretty brave lately and under my men clothes I wore a bra and panties to work and even started walking like a woman. 

 

With th tax return I bought some bras, panties, nightgowns, and a mini skirt and a cute shirt.  I recently threw my other woman’s clothes away now only to replace them. 

 

The bravest I’ve been so far is to being dressed in woman’s clothes late at night when no one can see me.

 

I’m afraid no one will want me or love me in this condition. I like female things. I feel I will never know unless I try to transition but I’m afraid that will be to much for me.  

 

I know I’m not alone in my feelings but I do feel alone in my body. Like I’m not worthy of being either a woman or man. I try the man thing but I always come out feeling female. The majority of my wardrobe is male but I want more female items. 

 

I feel lost inside myself. I keep buying and throwing away these woman’s clothes. I just want to feel like me and not this mixed up emotional dysfunctional person! I want to not care what others think and move into who I am regardless of insult and ridicule. It’s eating me up inside. My dreams are of me being a woman but I was born with the wrong part. 

 

My job supports transition and the lgbt community. I want to dress and be me not a shadow of who I’m not. 

 

I want ant to be called beautiful and I want to be desired! I think we all want that right? Would I make a beautiful woman? Can I walk out of my man skin and let Tessa fully expose herself? Someday I hope to answer these questions. 

 

I know some transition and some do not But is it more in your mind than your body? Could I live as a man keeping Tessa locked inside? 

 

Love,

 

Tessa?‍?

Edited March 2, 2019 by Cyndee
fixed a few typos - C

[Cyndee]

Good morning Tessa, I will write a little about finding self acceptance, this is an initial hurdle that many of us face. Finding that acceptance that this is a part of you, a very important part of you, and speaking for myself, realizing it does not go away, it's part of you. Finding one's self acceptance sometimes can be difficult because of the perceived stigma, you shed this guilt, you turn and face your truth, it's truly liberating to be honest with yourself, think of the possibilities ?

 

You are not broken, you are beautiful, you are gifted with these feelings. There are no rules to being you, learn to listen to your internal compass, this will guide you, trust your instincts, and act accordingly. Transitioning socially / physically are really big steps, ones you don't have to make, unless you are truly ready. There are many interim steps that lead up to a transition, that can be done, such as working with a counselor, training your voice to sound more feminine, obtaining a wardrobe, study women you see in everyday life, what's she's wearing, how is she speaking, how is she gesturing ? Here on the Trans pulse forums we will always emphasize consulting with professionals before considering transition. Get with an objective outside person that is schooled in such things, work with them. We are happy to bounce things off of you here as well, but we are not professionals, only people that have experienced similar things. Enjoy your new clothes, it's part of you, throwing them away, would most likely lead to regret and a repeating cycle.

 

Hugs and acceptance.

 

Cyndee -

[Jani]

On 3/2/2019 at 8:32 AM, Cyndee said:

you shed this guilt, you turn and face your truth, it's truly liberating to be honest with yourself, think of the possibilities ?

Cyndee is right that there are no rules to being you.  But I will say you must come around to caring and loving yourself as you are.  After this all else gets easier.  

 

Hugs, Jani

[KymmieL]

Tessa,  As Cyndee has said. you are not alone in these feelings. I have those feelings. I am slowly over coming them. I currently have about 98% female wardrobe. All female underwear, all my jeans and shorts are female but one of each.

I am waiting on a medical review board on recommendations on the best HRT course for me. I have been working on my voice. I almost always walk like a girl. I work in a male dominated career, Auto parts sales.

 

My advice is to instead of throwing away your female cloths, throw away your male ones. Unless you advertise you are wearing female cloths no one will know. Even going to the Dr. they have seen everything. they don't care. I actually dress more feminine when I am going to the VA.

 

Find a counselor or therapist who specializes in transgender people. The best thing I ever did was come out to my counselor. It got me on my path to transitioning. Which takes weight off my mind. I am diagnosed with phobia, major depression, and PTSD.

 

Keep your chin up and don't worry about what others say. As long as it makes you happy that is ultimately what matters.

 

Kymmie

[VickySGV]

Until you can get hooked up with a therapist who deals with Gender issues, an if you still have a couple of bucks to spend, look up ---

 

How To Be You by Jeffrey Marsh.  

 

Jeffrey is a non-binary human person who is the producer of a number of Trans and Enby U-Tube and HBO productions by Trans and Queer people.  The book has some sections that are "Home work" chapters where you answer questions about yourself and why you are different from your assigned gender.  A therapist friend of mine just went out and bought a pile of them and will use them with their patients.

[Tessa]

I have a guy I hang out with who knows my desire to be female. He told me he wouldn’t feel embarrassed if I walked around in public with him dressed as a girl. The furthest I’ve gone is panties and bra under my clothes. Would I be brave enough to wear a cute dress and a total woman’s outfit. This is yet to be seen. It’s like I live my life in disguise and I’m not happy. First, according to the Bible I will go to hell for this but sometimes it feels like hell being a man. I stare at the mirror with my wig on and Tessa stares back at me. My view of Tessa is she is beautiful intelligent strong will woman. She’s locked in the mirror but mirrors can be broken right? I feel I’m a broken mirror that nobody wants to look at because who looks in a broken mirror? I dare her to come out and when she does I feel confident but also embarrassed and somewhat uncomfortable but that’s only because I’m worrying about what others think. It’s tough living in your 40,s, failed marriage, little money, and few friends. Some days it’s hard to just wake up. I have to say I’m beautiful and take a hot shower, fix my hair, and then tell myself that I matter and go to work. It’s easier on the days I see my kids. They are the light of my life. I’ve said enough for now. 

 

Love 

 

Tessa?‍?

[Jani]

Tessa, its all how you look at things.

9 hours ago, Tessa said:

First, according to the Bible I will go to hell for this but sometimes it feels like hell being a man.

I'm come to believe that life on Earth can be heaven or hell.  It all depends upon our outlook.  Even times when we are thrown into hard times we can rise above them by believing we can make our lives better.  

 

As to getting dressed to go out, try being a little androgynous, yet feminine.  It took quite some time for me to wear a dress or skirt because I don't see a lot of women wearing them.  My first few times were dressed in casual slacks and a colorful tops with coordinating flats.  I certainly didn't want to draw attention to myself and I didn't.  Go light on the makeup too.   You are beautiful! 

Jani