Not comfortable coming out?

[Cat28]

A lot of the posts I've read over the past few days, it seems most people (if not all) are quite comfortable with who they are. Even posts I've read by the younger folk - they seem to know who they are and be very accepting of themselves. Just wondering if it took anyone time to come to terms with who you are/who you know you are meant to be? 

 

My partner is struggling and I imagine this discovery about themselves has hit like a tonne of bricks after being surpressed for so long. I don't know what I am meant to say or do to help them through this. They will be seeking professional help ASAP, but in the mean time I want to help as much as possible. Should I ask relevant questions, stay silent and wait for them to talk or try to take their mind off it completely?

[Cyndee]

Hi Cat, yes it took me several decades of denial / suppression and dealing with GD (gender dysphoria) to finally arrive at where I am now, hindsight is quite clear looking back 10 years. I lived within the boundaries of "accepted hetro normal" lifestyle, discovering later it was essentially making me ill. This process takes time, and some cases lot's of time to arrive at "self acceptance". I think it's great you are asking what you can do to support and asking questions here. Let your loved go at their own pace, there is no hurry here, no timelines, only finding a place of peace with one's self. Going slow is the mantra...

 

Hugs

 

Cyndee -

[SugarMagnolia]

I was 49 and had tried everything else I could, but never found anything that made me feel whole just things that distracted. When I decided finally I did a lot of research on my own before telling anyone else. Looking back there was still an awful lot I didn't know, but it was important to me to understand possible paths and consider them. 

What helped me when I did come out was just knowing that people supported me, weren't going to run away and still loved me. It's hard to help someone because so much of what's important is to try things out and see if they feel right. And that's not something that anyone else can help with too much. One very helpful thing my wife did was to give me some of her hand me downs (we're similar sizes) and make room in the closet for them. Having a space for a part of identity that I'd hidden for so long was really meaningful. I guess it was really just feeling supported in exploring and knowing that I wouldn't be laughed at. Sounds silly, I know, but those are the fears we have to overcome for some things.

Thank you for looking for ways to affirm your partner!

[Cat28]

1 hour ago, SugarMagnolia said:

One very helpful thing my wife did was to give me some of her hand me downs (we're similar sizes) and make room in the closet for them. Having a space for a part of identity that I'd hidden for so long was really meaningful.

I'm not a very feminine person myself - I don't wear dresses, skirts or make-up... But I've bought my partner some lace underwear, just waiting on it to arrive as I purchased it online. I hope this will be helpful for them.

[SugarMagnolia]

17 hours ago, Cat28 said:

I'm not a very feminine person myself - I don't wear dresses, skirts or make-up... But I've bought my partner some lace underwear, just waiting on it to arrive as I purchased it online. I hope this will be helpful for them.

That's exactly how my wife is! She told me she was sorry that she couldn't be more help with makeup, clothes, etc. What's funny though is the stuff that ultimately ended up being the most useful was just basic wardrobe pieces like t-shirts, sweaters, etc. When we begin exploring our own styles we tend to get wrapped up in the fun stuff, but really it's the stuff you wear around the house or running errands that are the most used. And it turned out I'm not particularly interested in super femme stuff anyway, just things that fit well, are comfortable and make me feel good about myself. 

Supporting them by buying something like underwear is great. Every gesture shows you care. ❤️

[SaraOlivia]

Hi Cat,

Speaking from my own life experiences, I knew I was different at age four, maybe five.  It took me until I was fifty to find the courage and accept my reality that I needed to live my life as a female.  It is an incredibly scary realization that you are about to turn life as you know it upside down.  Your partner has likely discovered that she was transgender a long time ago.  That, however, is not the same as accepting that knowledge about yourself, in fact, many of us have gone to great length to prove to ourselves and our loved ones that we can be the men or women that society expects us to be.  I fully expected to take the knowledge I had about being transgender to my grave.  The plan had always been to live my life as the biological male I was born to be.  In my case, and perhaps in your partners case the pain becomes unbearable and what we intended to bury forever we discover becomes something that we need to deal with whether we want to or not.  What is likely going through your partner's mind right now is a huge worry about how you will feel about her coming out to you. Will you still love her, will she lose you, what will happen to your relationship?  Those were the questions that I most struggled with after coming out to my wife.  Additionally in my situation were similar questions about my children.  What am I doing to them?  How can they ever be proud of a dad who  has become a girl?  Questions like that.  

 

My suggestion to you is to look into your own heart and find the answers to some of these questions.  And if you are able to, put some of these concerns that your partner has to rest.  Knowing that she will not lose you from her life is probably the biggest gift you could ever give her in this situation.  Beyond that, ask her if she has a female name, I am assuming she is MTF and not gender-fluid.  Its amazing how wonderful it is to be addressed by your real name and with the correct pronouns.  That would be another huge gift to her. 

 

Finally keep the channels of communication open.  Once she opens up you may find that the flood gates open and this subject is all she wants to talk about.  At nauseum at times - as was suggested to me by my wife more than once.  But as she sorts out all her feelings and finds a new equilibrium life will return to normal.  Well perhaps not  to the old normal - you will probably find that you have a much happier partner.  Hopefully that happiness will translate to a much stronger and happier relationship for the two of you.