It could happen sooner than I thought

[heyim_finn]

So I've had a lot of thoughts come to me recently after having two names really resonate with me. I feel more like myself with them, and if I can forget about my euphoria at home it's even better. But the amount of thinking I've done about being able to come out and transition are insane. I know I can order my binder this summer, with me being able to get a job in a little more than a month, and I can start wearing more baggy "men's style ish" shirts because I've told my mom about my top dysphoria, and how I'm uncomfortable in form fitting clothing. She understood that part but doesn't want me to be masculine I think just put of fear. But soon I will be able to buy my own clothes and choose what I wear and how I present. I've been thinking that maybe by the end of junior year I can dress how I want and be able to come out at school to almost everyone, and (sadly) I know I don't have to worry about a slip in front of my parents because they don't allow my friends over anymore. The only thing that could get me is marching band, but normally no one calls me in front of them, they are pretty despised because they've left me bawling in the middle of games that I can't even perform. But at the end of my senior year, I plan on having enough saved up that I could get a shared apartment with one of my friends, or possibly move in with one of them for a little. Then I can come out to my parents.I

And as soon as I can save up the money for it, I can see a gender therapist without my parents knowing. I can get help for now u too I can get my "ok" for T. That's really what I've been holding on to. One of my friends is trans, and He just got his slip for T, he starts in a little more than 2 months. So I know that there's hope and I'll be comfortable in my own body eventually. But it's so hard just waiting.

I know that I'm going to be forced to wear a bikini for this summer and it might just ruin me, but I'll see if I can find a way to make it slightly better.

It's really just a game of holding on and trusting myself for the time being. But it sure hurts like hell. 

[heyim_finn]

And then it all comes crashing down when my mom refuses to call my nominate mate by their preferred name and pronouns. I may think that they came out at a time that makes them look like they want attention, but I will not disrespect them and invalidate them like that. Just like I wouldn't want that, so I won't do it to anyone else on purpose. 

So the answer to what I thought was no, I'll never be able to come out to them. Even if I do, they will never accept me and I can't hang around them after I transition bc they will always call me by my headband and pronouns. What a great "accepting, loving" family. They only love the daughter they think they have.

[illisson]

Your whole situation sounds so painful and frustrating, Finn. I'm so sorry that your family is the opposite of supportive, and that you can't begin taking steps toward transition yet. And just the thought of being forced to wear a bikini made me nauseous; I can't imagine how much worse it is for you. Is there any way you can insist on board shorts and a shirt? Whenever I was dragged out of the shade and dunked into bodies of water, that's what I wore (with a tank-top style bathing top under the shirt to flatten my chest some). But then, my mom didn't insist on controlling what I wore.

 

It's still possible that your parents will come around, even if it takes them a while. A lot of initially-resistant families do, especially once their kids have moved out of the house and "proven" themselves responsible human beings who can make their own decisions about their lives. And in extreme cases, plenty of LGBT+ kids have given their parents an ultimatum--respect me or I'm going to kick you out of my life--and the severity of that ultimatum was what made the parents realize how serious their child is about their gender identity (or sexuality). I hope your family comes around without that kind of threat, of course, but it's a threat that's helped a lot of LGBT+ people get their disrespectful families to accept them as they are.

 

On a personal note, my mother had a screaming, crying, curse-filled temper tantrum in a busy restaurant--where we were celebrating my birthday, to make it even worse--when she learned that my then-boyfriend (now husband) and his family all called me by my chosen male name. That was nine years ago. She's stubbornly called me by my birth name until about two months ago, when she very awkwardly used my male name for the first time. I never took the ultimatum route, for various reasons, but I also never expected her to call me the right name. I'm genuinely shocked that she's using it now, even if it did take her almost a decade to do so.

 

So there's hope, even if it feels like it's a long way off--and even if it actually is a long way off. Like you said, it's just a matter of holding on and trusting yourself. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.