Toni's Tale

[ToniTone]

Well I was right, my friend was very accepting. In a charmingly simple way I might add! ❤️ He has been very preoccupied with finding a roommate at his new place, me and him are like besties and he's been trying real hard to convince me (I've been reluctant about this bc I just want my own apartment while I'm transitioning). So the apartment thing dominated the conversation. So when I (very shyly and hesitantly) told him I'm trans, he kinda went blank for a second, and then resumed with "So what? We should still be roommate's anyway!" It's cute how blunt he is... I think I was more preoccupied with telling my bestie about my gender, while his mind is all geared on finding a roomie he knows and trusts fast, lol! 

 

Everytime I brought up the gender thing, he kinda just shrugged it off and said like "That's cool.""Nothing wrong with that...". He's kinda a simple guy like that. I totally felt validated by the vibe he gave. 

 

It's funny. Just like with my ma, I got nervous and hesitant, blushing and all. Then I just blurt it out. Akward silence. Me, thinking "Oh no, I scared away a good friend with my coming out..!"... and then he's all like "We should get an apartment!" all blunt! 

 

Well I'm really on the fence about the apartment thing. But I'm so glad my bestie here is accepting of me! ❤️

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

I'm kinda hanging on to titles again. Early on when I rediscovering my gender, I was between an identity as androgynous and az transfeminine. Or heck, hyphenate it as androgynous-fem (surely one can't hyphenate everything, can they!?)!

 

And I was using he/his and they/them pronouns, bc of how I present. And I kinda have this inexplicable ability to carry and direct a conversation in such a way that pronouns (mine particularly, but also other's) don't come up. Maybe I just don't notice it. I don't socialize much anyway. But I'm very conceincious of avoiding assuming my or other's genders when I do. It's rather easy to change your grammar in such a way that is simple, natural and doesn't necessitate gendered pronouns. 

 

Lately though, I've primarily assumed she/her pronouns. They/them still kinda "feels" like it matches how I present.  But she/her totally feels right for me internally. Although there is this discord between these two aspects, I've been deliberately telling friends and acqaintances I'm out to to use female pronouns. So we can get used to using them. And it feels so damn validating and right when they do!

 

You don't really hear your pronouns that much though, do ya..? They're mostly used when referring to someone who isn't present or active on the dialogue. Usually in direct conversation referring to you, people just say 'you'... Yeah, you! 

 

I'ma post this and take a brief (indefinite?): intermission, before I get into tha gender stuff... 

[ToniTone]

Transfeminine v Transgender Mtf? 

 

So lately, like with my pronouns, I've been fully embracing my identity as a woman... a trans woman. Or embracing the title anyway. Of course I still get called sir or gentleman by polite company who wouldn't know otherwise. 

 

In part out of simplicity. People aren't as familiar with the term transfeminine as they are with transgender. 

 

Btw, I personally never use the term transexual. To me it implies a sexual component to gender. That may not ne correct by definition. But I'm just referring to how the words appear

[tracy_j]

I have a tendency to get confused with the terms as they can mean slightly different things in the various countries and some are gender neutral and some gender specific. It sometimes literally means total gender confusion, at least to me. I imagine that the population in general has no idea of the specific meaning someone is trying to convey.

 

Tracy

[ToniTone]

Impromptu trail off?.. I'm all about tha! 

 

Yeah, word Tracy! And

don't get me wrong I'm not like super anxious or caught up with it. I don't really fuss over all these silly words. I know what I am now, even if I don't always have a language for it. 

 

So, I've been identifying as transfeminine. I would love to be 100% woman. But I don't feel like I will/be able to fully transition. I dunno, sometimes the fight against the nature of gender feels overwhelming.

 

My androgenic hair I keep plucking and plucking, but it never stops. Shaving is so much worse, I get 5 o'clock shadow before noon and ingrown, stubbly hairs. At least with plucking I get a little over a day in the clear. 

 

I'm about ready to try depilatory cream for my torso. My body hair is less dysphoric for me. It's finer and usually covered fashionably anyway. Of course there's always that brief leap to and from the shower. 

 

I don't have time or finances for hair removal. I feel like it's a privilege I can't afford. My health insurance and schedule might afford me like ten hours, which I'm told can cover like a 1x1 in" area of skin, and I have alot of real estate. If I do this, I'ma focus on the lip perimeter and/or moustache. By far the thickest, most painful to pluck, most dysphoric area of all. I hear electrolysis hurts the worst there too. My doctor says the might use laser on the white hairs there though. 

 

I'm not interested in srs at this time. I'm not too dysphoric about down there. I am. But sometimes on occasion I enjoy their function. I do get rather intrigued at times by the thought of an inversion. It has a lot of hair follicles too, it would probably be difficult. I am considering an orchidectomy. I'm in no rush though. Kinda like my little ladyballs. 

 

So, there's aspects of me that are a struggle to change. I don't know if I'll be able to pass as pretty woman. I accept that. I'm pretty confident though. Beuty is in the eye of the beholder. But embracing being woman? I'm ready for that. 

[Kirsten]

Electrolysis is unfortunately the only true permanent removal method. But every once in a while my girl plucks a hair after its zapped and the entire root comes out. It comes with a drop of blood and a week long scar. But it’s gone. So I’m sure if you’re plucking you’re getting a couple here and there. It’s just take like 100x longer I’d guess. But for the cost (mine is 60/ hour+) it’s well worth it. And the confidence is beyond anything monetary. 

 

As far as the labels, that’s all they are labels. Best not to worry. Unless it’s a thing for you. My wife gets seriously stuck on labels. Like the label of lesbian for her. But therapy helps. ??

 

As far as being “pretty” or even passable, that’s something for me at least that I didn’t know till after. Heck I still don’t think I pass, or that I am pretty, but I have gotten a LOT of interest from the opposite sex the last week or so. So I can only think that I pass now. ??‍♀️ I think we’re the last to know. And even if you think you’re unattractive, there’s lots of people out there that won’t think that. I tend to have a lot of black or Central America/Mexico/Brazilian men that seem interested. And honestly I’m liking the attention. Why not right?! #girlpower. 

 

Try not to worry about the future Toni. The future isn’t real. It’s just an idea or a thought of what may be. But we don’t know. So worry about today and see what tomorrow brings. 

 

In the wise words of whinnie the Pooh. 

 

What day is it? 

(CR) it’s today. 

Oh. My favorite day. 

(CR) mine too. 

Yesterday when it was tomorrow, it was too much day for me. 

 

So true. Live today. Not tomorrow. Let tomorrow tell you what will happen. You’ll be much better off. 

[ToniTone]

38 minutes ago, Kirsten said:

As far as being “pretty” or even passable, that’s something for me at least that I didn’t know till after. Heck I still don’t think I pass, or that I am pretty, but I have gotten a LOT of interest from the opposite sex the last week or so. So I can only think that I pass now. ??‍♀️ I think we’re the last to know. And even if you think you’re unattractive, there’s lots of people out there that won’t think that. I tend to have a lot of black or Central America/Mexico/Brazilian men that seem interested. And honestly I’m liking the attention. Why not right?! #girlpower. 

Thank you for all your kind words and support! 

 

Gotta love that feeling of being flirted with. It comes out of left field and feels so validating. I blush everytime it happens. 

 

I've heard that or some variation before (you perhaps). We are the last to know, huh! I think we're more conscience of ourselves than other are of us. Same for anyone I suppose. It's good to remember this and not let one's self image be skewed,

[ToniTone]

I had my first monthly follow up with my transgender clinic primary. I really enjoy talking with her. She's very friendly, eager to hear my stories, and more than willing to do whatever to help me. The clinic is quite reknowned in my area for helping transgender folk with the resources and medical care they need. 

 

I relapsed and got kicked out of my treatment yesterday. I started drinking again bc that industrial laundry job was so draining and painful, I was miserable. There and at the treatment. But my best friend, from treatment, stuck by my side the whole afternoon and evening. He made a bunch of calls and pulled a few strings, got me into a sober house last night. He truly is like my best friend ever ❤️

It's been a crazy past couple days. I was concerned I was gonna be an unemployed, homeless, drunk trans woman on the chilly rainy streets. 

 

But I am yet again in sober Christian male communal living. Living with a bunch of cishet dudes. Living as a cishet dude... There's alot of recruired programming, no time to find a full time job. I feel like I'm in this trap set up by the rehabilitation program complex, and at large, the socio-economic systems agenda... this is Hell for me. 

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

Ugh, I don't want to go back now. I don't want to pretend to be a dude, amongst a bunch of bros... 

 

My ma's been calling me her daughter and says she worries about her girl. It's cute and makes me giddy. Its great how supportive and accepting she is of this! 

[ToniTone]

I'm melancholy and I need water :.;

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

I went shopping today! After this crazy past week, I just had to treat myself. Here's some of the girly, therapeutic things I bought: 

 

-Nair lotion (I did a post about it in the MtF Hair Removal section)

-an herbal sleep aid (girl needs her beauty sleep)

-a woman's multi-vitamin (need that +vit d)

-a pretty, green leather sketchbook to draw girly things in, journal, write poetry or whatever (it folds up, kinda feels like I'm carrying a hand purse)

-a few string cheeses and a bar of dark chocolate that I totally smashed... 

and

-salad stuff: spinach, arugula, chard, schezuan sauce, basil, sunflower seeds and flaked parmesan regiano (trying to eat healthier and do some light 2:1 intermittent fasting, get into my summer bod)

 

Girl's gotta take care of herself ❤️

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

So the sober house I'm at now has two different outpatient treatment programs they refer to and recquire. I was asking a guy there about the two locations. He said (cw: transphobia) "... don't go to that one though. It's weird. There's alot of boys who think they are girls and girls who think they are boys" and then something about gtfo y'all got d's, or whatever. I just scoffed... 

 

But in my head I was like "Alright, let's check it out!" Who knows, maybe they can help me find a trans friendly residence.

[VickySGV]

41 minutes ago, ToniTone said:

don't go to that one though. It's weird.

 

Some people's advice about what NOT to do often turns out to be our best advice if we do just the opposite. 

[ToniTone]

So I googled and made some calls. There are a few lgbtq trans friendly sober houses around after all! I gave my contact info to the house manager line. 

 

I'm excited! I might finally have a chance to live in an environment where I can be out and open, and not constantly exposed to incels and transphobia. This could help me be able to freely embrace my femininity openly, and help keep me sober. 

[ToniTone]

I feel like transitioning is almost a privilege, if not a luxury. With state health insurance, I can afford hrt, primary and therapy. Probably voice lessons, maybe some permanent hair removal (awaiting a consult). 

 

I am still for now living in an all male sober house, assuming the facade. I'm not too dysphoric in this moment though. I'm sitting alone on the couch watching Star Trek, the fresh evening spring breeze blowing in the window. The dudes are elsewhere, I have the room to myself and I'm here expressing this stream of thoughts to y'all. I'm just grateful to be back on track with my sobriety and have a place to stay. Yet I'm hopeful I can get into one of these trans friendly houses and finally feel able to live as me openly. 

 

If it wasn't for the sober house network, I'd be homeless again. I've known a few homeless transwoman. It's rough. Dirty and tired, body hair and beard and not made up bc there's no place or time to groom, always on the move bc cops kick them out of every camp... As much as I lament having to hide about having to hide amongst cishets, I'm blessed for what I do have, and my heart goes out to all our sisters suffering on the streets, sigh... :.;

 

We all have struggles, nobody knows the whole story. But we can still feel empathy... Despite feeling like poor trash, like I can never reach my goals in life, like I'm forever struggling against the tide. Like transition is a luxury I can't afford... I'm not giving up without a fight! I might never truly be happy &/or truly a woman. But I was and will never be a happy man, there is no going back now! I will Nair and pluck my hair forever if I must, I will not stop!

 

I'm quite content with where I'm at and the direction I'm going. And I'm strong in my convictions. 

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

I came out publicly on my page on my social media account last night. 

 

It was a brief "I'm transgender, here are my pronouns" blunt statement. Followed by a three paragraphish synopsis of my trans story, which I've already hashed out in detail here. I might copy paste it to the Coming Out letters thread. 

 

I haven't checked fb yet. But last night I immediately got a slew of love and support from many of my friends, who I knew would be accepting. I finally did this since I moved out of cishet male christian treatment. It feels good to finally (more or less) be fully out! 

 

❤️ Stay Lovely y'all!

~Toni

[ToniTone]

I had this dream last night. It's a recurring dream. I was in a street, and I was losing. Getting beat, badly. All my punches and kicks were ineffective, like my extremities were soft as pillows. Interestingly I was shoken awake being knocked out in the dream simultaneous to a thunder storm irl before dawn. 

 

This is a recurring dream for me. I used to be in Muay Thai and been in many fights on the streets. There's like this preoccupation with struggle. 

 

What was different this time though was I distinctly recall being a woman in this dream, and it was a central theme in it. Fighting/getting beat by a man. 

 

I wasn't all to shaken up about it. Interestingly, more motably, I felt validated by being physically weaker/more feminine than my opponent. 

 

I accept whatever challenges may come. I live my whole life with a fighting spirit. I like to think I carry this fighting spirit into my transition... 

 

Love ❤️ Peace

~Toni

[Charlize]

Hopefully you will soon have peaceful dreams where fighting as a woman isn't necessary.  For me acceptance was at least as important as the fight to transition.  I have had to, and still sometimes need to , stand up for myself.  That being said the journey is easier for me if i try to relax and go with the flow.  

Enjoy!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[ToniTone]

2 hours ago, Charlize said:

That being said the journey is easier for me if i try to relax and go with the flow.  

Enjoy! 

 

Yes! I am enjoying it so far. I wish I could be out more. But I am being patient with my transition, letting the hrt take it's course. I'm trying to be patient in other areas of my life as well and see it all as one big part of the whole. 

 

~Toni

[Bananarama]

Hi Toni,

 

Your must be a terrifying experience! As Charlize said, hopefully soon you'll be able to shake these dreams and sleep peacefully at night. Best wishes!

 

Hugs, peace and much love,

MJ

[ToniTone]

DysphoriUGH! 

 

I feel like I'm at war with my androgenic face/body hair. I spent like three hours plucking my face alone and there's still stubble on my neck area. I aggressively Nair'd all my abdomenal hair away. Maybe I'm on my "man period"... 

 

It's causing a lot of anxiety and apprehension. Depression even, like, I've been feeling hopeless that I'll never pass or be able to look feminine enough. Perhaps like most body dysphoria/dysmorphia, this is my skewed view, and I need to open up my perception of myself. I can get my skin to appear glaborous enough, but whenever I graze the light stubble it triggers my anxiety, and I know I'm gonna have to bust out my tweezers and go to war again. Electrolysis/laser consult is next week, but even if my insurance is approved, it's still gonna be a long slow process. I'll never give up my androgenic hair removal efforts, it's so core to my anxiety I have to eliminate it! 

 

I so wish to be a woman. But I see overwhelming obstacles to achieving that. I may have to learn to be content with being transfeminine. Identitying as a woman, but one with a few subtle (on a good day) intrinsic male qualities. Like, super femme androgyny. And you know..? I think I'm ok with that... 

 

My ma has been calling me her daughter. It's so cute! She's totally accepted my identity and taken to it, yep! I'm her cute, hairy little girl.. *vague sigh* ❤️

.

Hairy and restless

~Toni

[Kirsten]

Idk how true it is or not, but yesterday I was talking to my electrologist about plucking and she said it’s one of the worst things you can do. It actually creates thicker more stubborn hair. 

I asked because I see so many people say they’re plucking and I was thinking of doing the same. But after hearing that I say no way. I don’t need thicker or stronger beard hairs. Lol. Something to think about. Maybe do some research on it too. 

[ToniTone]

I read often that plucking makes the hair finer. This is the assumption I had gone by for over 12 years now. There must be something to that though. Perhaps the articles I read were referring to female vellous hair. My beard is by far the worst. 

 

I just can't stand the stubble after shaving. Even if it's close, it still goes 5 o'clock shadow before noon. 

 

I think it's finally under control and relaxed today anyway. Have a good day and y'all! 

 

❤️

~Toni

[Ellora]

46 minutes ago, Kirsten said:

Idk how true it is or not, but yesterday I was talking to my electrologist about plucking and she said it’s one of the worst things you can do. It actually creates thicker more stubborn hair. 

I asked because I see so many people say they’re plucking and I was thinking of doing the same. But after hearing that I say no way. I don’t need thicker or stronger beard hairs. Lol. Something to think about. Maybe do some research on it too. 

“

Tweezing is not likely to influence or cause diameter changes to hair texture,” says Cunnane Phillips. “Hormonal variables and genetic predisposition are much more likely to be at play.””

That has been the general consensus after looking quickly on Google. I’m sure the person was saying it, to help their own employment status.  

 

[Ellora]

I’ve been epilating ( on most of my body hair below my neckline) , which is like a bunch of small tweezers doing some mad mother plucking, ?. All the areas that I epilate, have slowed the growth, made the hair thinner and sparse. I wish I could epilate on my face, but it hurts more than it’s worth .

I tweeze my facial hairs and some areas on my body, and around my nipples, and they do not grow back thicker. They either stay the same, grow back more slowly, or not at all.