Toni's Tale

[ToniTone]

So, my transgender appointment yesterday went well (and uneventful). Pretty standard follow up stuff I suppose. Notably though, my doctor said she is pretty sure the tiny lump in my neck is just an inflammed lymph node. It doesn't/didn't feel like one. But it does seem like the swell is going down, and it feels tender now. So I'm kinda relieved. We'll keep an eye on it though. 

 

It was kind of a scare. Honestly, more than being scared it could be cancer and cost me my life ultimately, I was more worried it would compromise my hrt, and resign me to detransition from it. I've been so happy, for the most part/in regards to my gender and body, since I started transition. I'd hate to be put in a position where I'd have to turn back. This scare has given me more focus on quitting smoking. One way or another, it could cost me my life and it's quality. 

 

I'm going to check out an lgbtq sober house tomorrow after treatment. Some of the other transgender clients/friends live there. I think it'll be a good move for me. I can't wait to live in an accepting environment where I can openly be myself. First thing I'm gonna do is go shopping for some femme apparel and makeup! 

 

Sweet dreams ladies, gents and thudes ❤️

~Toni

[Ellora]

Just now, ToniTone said:

So, my transgender appointment yesterday went well (and uneventful). Pretty standard follow up stuff I suppose. Notably though, my doctor said she is pretty sure the tiny lump in my neck is just an inflammed lymph node. It doesn't/didn't feel like one. But it does seem like the swell is going down, and it feels tender now. So I'm kinda relieved. We'll keep an eye on it though. 

 

It was kind of a scare. Honestly, more than being scared it could be cancer and cost me my life ultimately, I was more worried it would compromise my hrt, and resign me to detransition from it. I've been so happy, for the most part/in regards to my gender and body, since I started transition. I'd hate to be put in a position where I'd have to turn back. This scare has given me more focus on quitting smoking. One way or another, it could cost me my life and it's quality. 

 

I'm going to check out an lgbtq sober house tomorrow after treatment. Some of the other transgender clients/friends live there. I think it'll be a good move for me. I can't wait to live in an accepting environment where I can openly be myself. First thing I'm gonna do is go shopping for some femme apparel and makeup! 

 

Sweet dreams ladies, gents and thudes ❤️

~Toni

Great News! And Promising News! Gratz on nothing bad. 

Oooo im jelly, I want to go shopping! I’m holding off to see where the HRT and Orchie take me. I’m really hoping to have an “excuse” to buy new bras ?. 

[ToniTone]

I moved into the lgbtq sober house today! It's great, I love it! Everyone here is so friendly and interesting. Each letter of the lgbtq spectrum is represented here. I finally don't feel so damn alone in my identity irl. It's a safe environment where I can be me. No more living with sexist, mysoginistic, homophobic, transphobic, sleazy incels. There's some gals here who can teach me how to be a lady proper. I can't wait to go shopping for some femmy clothes and some makeup, and practice my feminine voice. I'm so excited! ❤️

 

~Toni

[Jani]

Very nice.  I hope you do well there. 

[Ellora]

10 hours ago, ToniTone said:

I moved into the lgbtq sober house today! It's great, I love it! Everyone here is so friendly and interesting. Each letter of the lgbtq spectrum is represented here. I finally don't feel so damn alone in my identity irl. It's a safe environment where I can be me. No more living with sexist, mysoginistic, homophobic, transphobic, sleazy incels. There's some gals here who can teach me how to be a lady proper. I can't wait to go shopping for some femmy clothes and some makeup, and practice my feminine voice. I'm so excited! ❤️

 

~Toni

Yay!! Congratulations! Sounds like you will be having a great time being You! 

[Kirsten]

Awesome Toni! That will be so much better than where you’ve been! And transition takes another step forward! ???????

[ToniTone]

Thanks y'all! It is better here, totally gonna help me move forward. 

 

I'm really happy here right now, and with my life in general right now. That said, outside of here, socially my life is kinda troubling me. For one, I miss drinking. I miss the night life and the drinking buddies. I had/have a romantic attachment to alcohol. I get bored and don't know what to do with myself anymore. But without the sober house network, I'd be a miserable homeless drunk right now. And I wouldn't be here where I can be me amongst these lovely ladies and learn how to be a woman. 

 

Another thing is there's so many people at my outpatient treatment. But I'm so shy and socially akward, I'm just kinda a wall flower. I don't feel like a guy or relate at all to them, but I don't feel like one of the girls either. I kinda yearn to be a little more social, and to be accepted by them. But I don't want to akwardly impose myself into a social circle. And I don't want to just be accepted out of ettiquette for being trans. 

 

And I still get gendered as male, even by accident by some of the lgbtq folk. I don't make a big deal about it, or refer to it as misgendering, because I know I still present as male. I just kinda resigned to that reality for now.

 

I dunno if this makes sense, I'm having a hard time elaborating. Maybe after I get myself some girlier clothes and makeup going, these social dynamics and how I feel about them will change. 

 

Sigh... 

~Toni

[Ellora]

Just now, ToniTone said:

Thanks y'all! It is better here, totally gonna help me move forward. 

 

I'm really happy here right now, and with my life in general right now. That said, outside of here, socially my life is kinda troubling me. For one, I miss drinking. I miss the night life and the drinking buddies. I had/have a romantic attachment to alcohol. I get bored and don't know what to do with myself anymore. But without the sober house network, I'd be a miserable homeless drunk right now. And I wouldn't be here where I can be me amongst these lovely ladies and learn how to be a woman. 

 

Another thing is there's so many people at my outpatient treatment. But I'm so shy and socially akward, I'm just kinda a wall flower. I don't feel like a guy or relate at all to them, but I don't feel like one of the girls either. I kinda yearn to be a little more social, and to be accepted by them. But I don't want to akwardly impose myself into a social circle. And I don't want to just be accepted out of ettiquette for being trans. 

 

And I still get gendered as male, even by accident by some of the lgbtq folk. I don't make a big deal about it, or refer to it as misgendering, because I know I still present as male. I just kinda resigned to that reality for now.

 

I dunno if this makes sense, I'm having a hard time elaborating. Maybe after I get myself some girlier clothes and makeup going, these social dynamics and how I feel about them will change. 

 

Sigh... 

~Toni

If youre happy, be happy and enjoy every moment. Congratulations on being sober. Day by Day, the stronger you get. 

 

Hang out and be yourself. If you dont feel like jumping in, dont. If youre feeling awkward, then others are as well. Im sure it took a while for everyone to find their groove.

 

It will all get better in time. If you present as male, that might be throwing mixed signals. Im sure it will get better once they see you, as you want to be seen.

 

Dress as you want to be seen, that will probably help, at least until they get to know you. I know I would be dressing the i want to if given a chance, well i do it here, but I would elsewhere if I could.

 

Life should get better, especially now that you have the chance!

[Kirsten]

8 hours ago, ToniTone said:

. I don't feel like a guy or relate at all to them, but I don't feel like one of the girls either. I kinda yearn to be a little more social, and to be accepted by them. But I don't want to akwardly impose myself into a social circle. And I don't want to just be accepted out of ettiquette for being trans. 

I felt like this too. Heck I still do at times. Even with my close girlfriends. And I would even if I looked like a supermodel. It’s a mental block you’ll have to figure out how to get past. 

Ellora said it perfect. You do you. You act like you. Talk like you dress like you. BE you!! The rest will figure itself out. Yesterday I had a nephews birthday to go to. It was at a ninja gym. I spent half the time talking with the girls and the other half running around like an overgrown child in a jungle gym. Nobody thinks anything positive or negative about that. It’s just me. And it continued at the cookout after. I sat with the girls and talked kids, men, and all the rest all night. But when the time came to beat all the guys in cornhole, (it’s a yard game with bean bags not a creepy kink thing. Lmao) I was up and ready to go. 6-0 btw! 

Mph and I was misgendered accidentally 20 plus times yesterday. All accidental. But you know it just happens. Correct politely and move on. That’s all. Just a simple “it’s she” or “it’s her” and back to the convo. 

 

This all takes time. You’re trying to learn who you are right now. So don’t beat yourself up. Be you. Be proud of you. And be confident that you are awesome! Cause you are!! 

[Charlize]

I'm glad you have found such a welcoming sober environment.  I am an alcoholic and also understand that feeling of loosing my best friend(booze).  Between being new to sobriety, a new environment and transition for are going through major changes.  If it helps please take a look at the Alcohol Abuse forum here.  There is a link there to some great Zoom meetings as well as the Chat meeting tonight(Sunday) at 9 eastern.  I have found AA meetings with other trans folks are great.

In the meantime please don't hesitate to PM me if i can help.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[ToniTone]

15 hours ago, Kirsten said:

But when the time came to beat all the guys in cornhole, (it’s a yard game with bean bags not a creepy kink thing. Lmao)

*laughs like Beavis & Butthead*

Heheh, you said bean bag... xp

 

Thanks gals! I'm having a great time at this house. I'm just being girlier and being me. We're becoming good friends here. They use my pronouns (she/her) and treat me like one of the gals, it's so validating and I love it! 

 

And thanks Charlize. I'm staying strong, the cravings are gone for now. I'm just happy to be where I'm at, and doing just fine without alcohol. I'll keep the chat or you in mind as part of my sober network if I ever need to reach out. 

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

I've been on hrt for 2 3/4 months now. But I'm already so much weaker then I was before, I cannot deny it. I don't think it's the diuretic effect of the spiro. I drink plenty of water, I've been pretty good about that. I'm in pretty good shape otherwise. I've just simply lost some of my upper body strength. The moving job is getting more difficult... 

 

My best friend and co-worker, who has been (at least superficially) supportive of me, keeps giving me 'purple nurples'. And it HURTS LIKE HELL! It feels so violating and gross, and maybe a little kinky too (damn I'm a hot mess <.<). I slapped him a few times for it, shot daggers at him and grimaced at him to stop! I think it's like a dude thing (purple nurples). But he knows I'm transitioning. He makes light hearted jokes about how I'ma get some big tiddys and how I'm turning so bit'y... 

 

What really bothers me though is he's turning into sucj a sleaze. He keeps making raunchy jokes. Gawking at and catcalling women on the street. Totally lusting, thoughts of using too. I fear he's taking a turn to the dark side... 

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

Thing is, I just left the all male sober house in part to get away from that kind of mysoginy. That lewd view and sexual objectification of women just disgusts me. Men are grosss... 

[Charlize]

Don't get abused Toni.  That kind of behavior is not acceptable even if it is thought to be light hearted.  I remember getting pinched shortly after going full time by an old male friend.  I turned and landed a non lady like punch on his shoulder followed by a demand that he keep his hands to himself.  We remained friends but he was a bit more respectful afterwards.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ellora]

22 minutes ago, ToniTone said:

My best friend and co-worker, who has been (at least superficially) supportive of me, keeps giving me 'purple nurples'. And it HURTS LIKE HELL! It feels so violating and gross, and maybe a little kinky too (damn I'm a hot mess <.<). I slapped him a few times for it, shot daggers at him and grimaced at him to stop! I think it's like a dude thing (purple nurples). But he knows I'm transitioning. He makes light hearted jokes about how I'ma get some big tiddys and how I'm turning so bit'y... 

 

What really bothers me though is he's turning into sucj a sleaze. He keeps making raunchy jokes. Gawking at and catcalling women on the street. Totally lusting, thoughts of using too. I fear he's taking a turn to the dark side... 

 

~Toni

Did he give you “purple nurples “ before or after you told him about your transitioning? If it was afterwards, you are telling him to stop, and he is getting worse, it sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with him before it gets Really bad. Along the lines of you’re getting sexually assaulted bad. Seriously. 

[Ellora]

Just now, Charlize said:

Don't get abused Toni.  That kind of behavior is not acceptable even if it is thought to be light hearted.  I remember getting pinched shortly after going full time by an old male friend.  I turned and landed a non lady like punch on his shoulder followed by a demand that he keep his hands to himself.  We remained friends but he was a bit more respectful afterwards.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Bravo Charlize, Bravo! 

[Kirsten]

That’s a rough position to be in. I have some typical guy friends. They tease me as well. One of them was pretty annoying. Here’s the short version. 

Hes already one of those macho male dink’s. He kept asking me to see my boobs (he does this to all women not just me) but one day he grabbed my ass and I flipped. Turned around and grabbed his unit and twisted that worm right up to his belly and told him next time I’ll take it with me. That was in February super bowl Sunday. Hasn’t made a comment since. He actually looks a bit scared of me. Lol. 

I am pretty “ballzy” to say the least. (Lmao ballzy! ??? idk I’m weird. ??‍♀️) but a simple move like that could take care of all your woes. At least as far a a “friend” is considered. Prolly not smart for a stranger. 

First and only time I ever grabbed a guys piece was that day. It was liberating though. I think I may have liked that a little too much. 

[Ellora]

Just now, Kirsten said:

That’s a rough position to be in. I have some typical guy friends. They tease me as well. One of them was pretty annoying. Here’s the short version. 

Hes already one of those macho male dink’s. He kept asking me to see my boobs (he does this to all women not just me) but one day he grabbed my ass and I flipped. Turned around and grabbed his unit and twisted that worm right up to his belly and told him next time I’ll take it with me. That was in February super bowl Sunday. Hasn’t made a comment since. He actually looks a bit scared of me. Lol. 

I am pretty “ballzy” to say the least. (Lmao ballzy! ??? idk I’m weird. ??‍♀️) but a simple move like that could take care of all your woes. At least as far a a “friend” is considered. Prolly not smart for a stranger. 

First and only time I ever grabbed a guys piece was that day. It was liberating though. I think I may have liked that a little too much. 

@ToniToneProbably not a good idea to try that at work, you could get in more trouble that it is worth, it’s great that it helped you tho  @Kirsten . 

Abusers will keep abusing until they are stopped, and it can get worse, especially if they think they can get away with it. 

[Kirsten]

Yeah definitely reserved for a close relationship. Unless you don’t mind a fight. Lol. As I said this was a very long time friend. 

But Ellora is 100% correct. Nip it in the bud ASAP or it will get worse. Boundaries need to be set early and sometimes often. 

[RACHEL GIA]

Sounds like sexual harrassment to me no matter how you frame it.

[Ellora]

Just now, RACHEL GIA said:

Sounds like sexual harrassment to me no matter how you frame it.

This ^^^

[Ellora]

Just now, Kirsten said:

Yeah definitely reserved for a close relationship. Unless you don’t mind a fight. Lol. As I said this was a very long time friend. 

But Ellora is 100% correct. Nip it in the bud ASAP or it will get worse. Boundaries need to be set early and sometimes often. 

If a close friend did this to me, they would probably never do that to me again after I handled it either, ?. I may have lost some muscle tone, but not enough yet. Plus, I used to be in law enforcement, and other jobs along that line, so I know how to handle physical situations, ?. 

[Kirsten]

But remember, this is her best friend. I’d  have a hard time saying my bestie was sexually harassing me. It’s just not like that. Or it wouldn’t be with my close friends. It would be in poor taste and it would be wrong. And it would need to be stopped. But I really doubt it’s anything like that. It’s just an uneducated close friend trying to bridge this new thing with what he sees as humor. In any other situation I’m with y’all. But not with a best friend. That just seems like a bit of a stretch. Idk.

[ToniTone]

No, think he's just a goof. But I'm kinda wondering if he's not taking my transness seriously. Like, I think he's supportive and a good friend. I don't really talk much about it with him. I dunno. 

 

Lil Kirsten, now THAT'S rad!

I am getting more aggressive about saying no, with my fists even. It really p's me off! 

 

Thanks for your thoughts girls! ❤️

 

I mostly brought it up as an anectdote to my transition. My nips are getting sore in the back. I keep bumping my breasts on stuff at work and it huuurrrtsss... :.;

 

~Toni

[Ellora]

I totally understand the best friend thing, but if the boss or hr gets wind of this in the wrong context. People could fired or worse. Outside of work, it’s up to you how you deal with your friends. ?