Toni's Tale

[Lexi C]

Glad your life is moving in the right direction. You look so happy..Be  Proud, Be Save and Kick Ass

[ToniTone]

Thanks hun! ?

[SaraAW]

Wonderful news. Love the outfits. Thanks for continuing to share your journey. 
 

[ToniTone]

Thanks sugar!?

[ToniTone]

That was supposed to say "sug', but autocorrect lol!

[ToniTone]

6 1/2 months on hrt! There's a couple big developments to mention:

 

- Last night in the shower, I noticed my breasts are filling in quite well and recognizable as female breasts! They are solid A cups now. Round, perky and firm yet flubby. They are quite sore too. When I step oitside, the cold air makes them feel like they're burning. I can handle it though. I'm so giddy and excited!! 

 

-I started using the women's restrooms in public regularly. This is big for me. I was so anxious about this going into and early in my transition. Worried there might be conflict, not feeling I look passing enough. But in need of having to go, and feeling invalidated using men's rooms, I went for it. It seems trivial, but it gives me confidence and validation being able to now. 

 

-I (and my gf/transition sis) have been getting a lot of compliments, cat calls, flirting/hit on etc., notably from cishet men. And I've been get gendered properly. This makes up for the times I get misgendered. I'm finally getting cute enough to be noticed. I know this might be vain, but it makes me feel pretty... 

 

-My gf/transition sis got her breast augmentation (enlargement) yesterday. They look nice! She's very happy about them, and I'm happy for her... We celebrated over sushi, num! 

 

It's been a lovely day... 

~Toni ?

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, ToniTone said:

I (and my gf/transition sis) have been getting a lot of compliments, cat calls, flirting/hit on etc., notably from cishet men. And I've been get gendered properly.

You are starting to reap the benefits of the HRT.  Confidence and happiness built up quite a bit for me too during this point in my transition.  When cis guys start to notice, you know you're doing something right...I'm happy for you, Toni.  Enjoy it!

 

Susan R?

[ToniTone]

Thanks hun! 

 

Yeah, it feels totally validating and flattering! 

 

There's also the overly forward, unwanted attention from sleazier cishet men though. Still awkwardly validating, but obnoxious and gross. The things us women have to put up with, sigh...

 

~Toni

[Charlize]

Glad you are getting the validating if obnoxious attention from local guys.  I've enjoyed that as well from time to time but it severed as a warning to stay in safe places and travel with a friend unless i'm in a "female" world.  Shopping especially the grocery store give me a safe place.  Odd i once felt out of place but today it's home and comfy.

Enjoy safely!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[ToniTone]

Thanks Charlize! 

 

I'm pretty confident in my self-defense capabilities. Nevertheless, I am getting physically weaker, and I'd rather avoid necessitating it. So I tend to avoid risky areas and situations.

[ToniTone]

Cw/tw: hate speech, mention of violence..  

 

I posted this event that happened in the Victims of Hate Crimes and Violence section. I'm just posting the link here on my thread for my own timeline: 

 

[ToniTone]

If anyone feels obliged to comment on the thread last posted and the event about it, I feel it would be more appropriate in the thread (which is properly located in the Victims of Hate Crimes and Violence section) and not on this one. I don't want anything triggering in mention of violence on this general thread, thanks. 

[VickySGV]

Let a Mod or Admin know and we can move comments over there for you if they happen.

[ToniTone]

So I treated myself at the mall. Got an alpaca cloak for the winter and some catgirl ears for Halloween (and beyond, I'm probably gonna nerd out and wear them alot)... 

 

[ShawnaLeigh]

This is amazing.  I am glad I read into it.  I am still so excited that all the things I’ve dealt with my whole life is something someone has too and understands.  
For me it’s therapeutical to read and compare my story to others.  
Thank you. 

[ToniTone]

Thanks ShawnaLeigh! I've been keeping up on your coming out posts too. Im perpetually more or less single and haven't advice, but hope y'all can work it out and wish you the best! ?

[ToniTone]

So, 7 months transitioning on hrt! I don't have much to say this month. I love my job at Starbucks, it's a very comfortable and supportive environment. 

 

And my nips hurt, still filling in well. So exciting! 

 

~Toni ?

[Maid In Bedlam]

Hi Toni.

 

I dont think i have ever commented on your thread. But after the pictures and comments above. I think its about time i did.

 

 

 

Seven months! I can see Toni coming out in you.

 

Love the Ears to ? Very nice.

 

Transition can be made easy or seem hard so I am glad you have a Surportive work enviorment. So Yay to Starbucks.  It may not be everything but it goes a long way.

 

We all have a personal journey with its own ups and downs. Im happy for you that you seem to be on the up.

[ToniTone]

Thanks hun! ?

There's been challenges. But overall transition has been pretty kind and gentle to me so far. 

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

I'm thinking of changing my identity label from transgender woman to transfeminine-androgynous (transfem-androgyny for short), or some really long combination of the two. Still primarily she/her pronouns, but try to accept misgendering. I dunno...

 

Reason being I get misgendered a lot at work by customers and elsewhere. It's starting to get to me. I get really down, almost sad, when someone calls me sir.

 

I wear a 'She/Her' pronouns pin, do my eye and lip makeup, wear pretty jewellery, dress as fem as my dress code will allow. I'm on feminizing hrt, growing breasts. And I still get mostly "sir'd". 

 

I feel so defeated... 

 

~Toni

[ToniTone]

Cw: dysphoria, vague description of hair removal injuries... 

 

I'm posting this in my journal thread, maybe I'll learn from this painful experience and be more careful... 

 

I haven't Nair'd my body hair away in over a month, maybe two. But I've been anxiety plucking. So I hopped in the shower and spontaneously decided to Nair it all away. 

 

Also, it seems like Nair doesn't work as well as it used to for me. I need to leave it on longer then I used to and lately Ive been getting more burns from it. But tonight's burns are the worst I had yet. 

 

I tried to avoid my nipples and my shenis, but the goop seeped down to those areas. I didn't notice it got on the glans shenis, which has a painful chafe under the ridge now. I tried wiping it off my nips, but it still burned. My teets actually cracked open and bled. I also have light burns everywhere. Rinsing off in the shower was a shock. 

 

I sat in the tub after with the shower running, and cried for like an hour. Partly because of the seering pain all over, but also the intense dysphoria over my body hair and the amab body overall. 

 

I can't afford permanent removal at this time, or the time it takes. Which is a shame. It's a shame I even need to at all.

 

I despair so much having been born in a male body. The body hair perpetually grows in thickly as a reminder, and it never stops. It's so uncomfortable, physically and emotionally.  It takes so much effort and pain to remove it, for just a brief moment of smooth (albeit injured) skin and the relief from my anxiety about it. 

_____________________________

And like I mentioned in my last post, I get misgendered a lot, most notably by customers at work. It's making me so depressed. I can't figure out what I need to do to emasculate my appearance each day within my capability. Full makeover maybe, but I don't like wearing a bunch of foundation, I don't have the time for it and I like to let my skin breathe. I already heavily decorate my eyes and lips. Anyway, I don't think it would really make a difference. My Adam Apple is huge, and my neck, chest and shoulders are thick. 

 

Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this, transitioning. I knew there was going to issues with dysphoria, but there always were. And I'm growing breasts now. I'm so happy about that. But I feel like I'm past the point of no return, and I'm in the thick of it. Not that I want to detransition. I love my transition, I love the changes in me! But I kinda miss the conveniences of cis gender. I'm stuck with these transgender issues. I'm just so down, all the work I'm putting in, I still get misgendered, and I just want to be acknowledged as the woman that I am.

 

Anyway, I'm in so much pain, and depressed. I feel so defeated...

 

~Toni

[SaraAW]

Oh, I feel for you Toni. My body hair drives me crazy too. My wife has asked me not to shave and it hurts.
 

I’m not out socially yet, but I dread the misgendering. I think at the end of the day, you need to do what keeps you going. The old saying about sticks and stones is so untrue, words sometimes cut deeper than a knife. 

 

Im so sorry you ended up with the chemical burns, they are awful to deal with. Did you recently change depilatories?

 

We all know that you’re a beautiful woman, inside and out hon. I wish I could do or say more to help, but all I’ve got is a great big virtual hug and I hope that you’re feeling better soon. Keep coming here to vent or for support. 

Hang in there Toni. 

*HUGS*

[Charlize]

Toni, i'm sorry to read about your feelings and your experiences.  I think we all face similar issues and even if we pass perfectly we still can experience thoughts that somehow we are wrong in our bodies.   I know those thoughts and experiences as well from time to time but fortunately the pain from them seems to slip away.  As far as the hair issues go i've found that very slowly it has become much less of an issue.  My arm hair can bug me so i shave that on occasion but overall i find slower or no growth.

Transition is certainly a mixed blessing.

 If it helps, you are not alone in both being happy for the journey and upset about it at the same time.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[ToniTone]

Thank you Sara and Charlize! ?

 

I don't think most of them mean to misgender, think they're just trying to be polite with that "Thank you sir". But it hurts, bc I'm trying to present. Some customers do gender me properly, and that feels good! I think like a lot of things we tend to focus on the negative though. 

 

I've been using the same depilatory, standard Nair with cocoa butter. It used to work real well, soothing even. But lately not so much. I wonder if hrt is making my skin softer/more sensitive. 

 

I'm sorry your wife won't let you do your hair removal routine. I hope in time she'll understand. 

 

A number of my cis female friends have been showing me their leg hair to try to comfort me, lol... 

 

It's nice to have y'all support and comradery in this ?

 

~Toni

[Susan R]

On 11/12/2019 at 8:50 PM, ToniTone said:

Anyway, I'm in so much pain, and depressed. I feel so defeated...

Toni, I feel for you.  I had a similar experience with Nair early in my transition and I will never likely use that product again.  I literally burned my ass with that stuff.  It's a long story but I had a hard time sitting for a few weeks without pain.

 

It does get easier in time as Charlize correctly points out.  Hair does thin out a bit after awhile and with it the dysphoria with that issue sometimes moves to the back burner.  I wish you the best.

 

Susan R?