Feel confused about my gender and my body

[¿Andrea!]

Since I was a child I had a dreadful sensation with my body and my identity.

I felt that something didn’t match, but I’ve always thought it was because my homosexuality.

For some yers, in which I’ve explored first relationship with others men, I was quite fine.

But then this sensations continue to make my life hard to live.

I always had a really bad relationship with my <male genitals> and my body, up to anorexia.

I wanted to disappear, to erase my body to feel I was really existing and I was no wrong.

I have hidden this part of my life for a long time. I have worked a lot, do do do just not to think about this.

 

But then I started go abroad for work, and knew a lot of inspiring people,

and I have taken courage to face this part of me.

 

But I’m super confused now.

When people ask me if I am male or female or If I have to cross it in a survey I’m blocked,

and I really don’t know how to answer.

In a continuum in which the outmost point are “male” and “female”.

I fell myself exactly in the middle of this continuum,

and I want my body to reflect this sensation, this me.

 

I don’t want to be female, I want to be male and female at the same time,

cause I feel like this, a man with a vagina.

 

I’m totally new with this kind of thought, and I really want to talk with

someone who had the same or similar doubt.

I’m going crazy and I want to do something,

I can’t take waking up all the days in a body i don’t feel my anymore.

 

Could somebody help me or want to discuss about it?

 

Thanks in advance for your time and words

Edited May 1, 2019 by VickySGV
slang word for male genitals replaced

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums.  You are not going crazy for this place, in fact those questions are one reason we are here.  Gender Dysphoria is very real and can be survivable, and if met with medical care on the physical and mental levels, can actually lead to a different but mostly pleasant life.  The topic has been discussed here in maybe 1/3 of 600K posts to read and join in the discussions about. Feel free to ask specific questions as they come up.  One thing that will help is t see if you can get help from a Behavioral Health therapist who deals with Gender Dysphoria and who can help you decide where you belong on the Trans Spectrum and what the best steps to deal with your individual situation are.

[michelle_kitten]

Hey Andrea,

 

Welcome to the Forums.  While I pretty much feel like a girl inside, and am a guy outside, I totally understand the confusion.  For me, I stopped trying to hide and suppress my feelings and have started to get them out and allow myself to feel them.  Like you, the gender dysphoria makes me want to change very quickly, but I've committed to taking my journey slow and learning as much as I can as I go.  I am glad I have.  While I've been looking outside myself for information, I've discovered parts of myself I didn't know existed.  I've grown as a person.  My view of who and what I am is changing as I go through this journey.

 

One big thing that has helped is my therapist.  It feels so free to talk with someone who won't judge you and just get all of what you have been hiding out in the open.  I really recommend finding a professional to help you.

 

You have made it this far in life feeling like you do.  You're going to be okay, and probably even better than just okay.  For me, sometimes the emotions make me feel like I am going to explode, but I am still all inside my body.  You've started the journey by deciding to stop hiding how you feel and to start talking to others.  That is such a big step.