Not Sure What to Say...

[LotsOQs026]

I feel as though I’m in a pirate movie where the protagonist is at the end of the plank with a sword poking their back, limit options, and time is running out.  Looking back toward the deck of the ship are all the options that are “no more” and looking over the narrow edge of that piece of wood I’m standing on are all the terrifying unknowns.  I can’t go back; but for the life of me I cannot will myself to move forward.

 

I’m so grateful for those that have gone before me and are swimming in the sea below that say “the water is fine...sure there are sea creatures...sure you may struggle to stay afloat sometimes...but the “maybe’s” down here sure as hell beat the “absolutes” that will happen if you stay up there.” 

 

So enough with the visuals- I can’t figure out how to have this conversation with my family that I’m gender neutral (leaning toward FtM) and that I’m planning on having my breasts removed.  I don’t think they will understand anything about what I’m going through (if past behavior is an indication of what to expect of future behavior).  Do I sit down to dinner with them and wait until the dessert arrives?  Or discuss it while we have our salads?  Do we talk about it over Christmas?  Memorial Day?  Will that “ruin” the holiday or make it better?  I just don’t want to make a big deal about it, you know?  Rather I just want to say to them, “ so this is what’s happening...”  but our family has a history of never discussing anything after the initial conversation so I’ll be laying in bed with drain ports coming from either side of my chest before we are talking about gender again if I let it go that easily!  This feels like a lot of responsibility.

 

I don’t know that I have a question so much as unmanageable anxiety around coming out to them about what my needs are and the fact that they simply won’t meet those needs...

[ToniTone]

Hi and welcome! I'm sure someone here has more experience and a better answer than I. Have you sought a therapist to discuss these things with? You sound like you have your convictions about it anyway.

 

I don't know if I'd recommend a holiday or special occasion to discuss it. There's generally enough anxiety about the climate of such events. And while I'm not recommending rushing the talk, the next family gathering style holiday is a ways away (at least in america anyway). 

 

I dunno your family dynamic, but if they're not the type to talk it all out at once, maybe that's kinda a good thing? You can just get it off your chest and flesh it out later (inadvertently made pun unintended)... 

[Bananarama]

Hi LotsO,

 

Rather than hammering out a specific timeline, just wait until you feel the time is right. You'll surely be asked many questions, so try and have at least a general idea of how you might answer beforehand. It's perfectly fine to not have all or even part of the answers ready, but the ones you might feel most important is what brought you to the place you're at now. This should be easy enough to formulate so that you're clear and to the point.

 

You needn't offer details about surgeries. That is something left for another time. The last thing you want is to overwhelm those you're coming out to. Even if they ask, tell them you're unsure. This isn't just something you're just jumping into, and the people that you come out to should be made aware of this.

 

Above all else, have patience with those you come out to. If the question seems daft or even insensitive, don't react, take a moment, and then address their concerns with unwavering resolve. This is your life, your body and your mind. Protect it, but only share the information that you feel comfortable sharing at that moment.

 

In my experience, and also that of an LGBT peer counselor, the easiest method of coming out is to start with someone you trust 100%. This could be a sibling or perhaps your best friend. Once through this, they can act as your advocate and ally when coming out to another, then another, and so on.

 

Make a list of those that are most important to you and work from from top to bottom (it's far easier than springing a bag full of news to an entire room of family or friends at once).

 

You might find that those who don't get things straight away will need extra patience when explaining things. As always, patience, patience, patience. ?

 

 

FWIW, my partner is trans male, and although I'm out to everyone, he is not and still needs to come out to his family, friends and colleagues. For me it's like coming out twice, but I'm a very strong person and I'll stand by him throughout. His family shouldn't be a problem, nor many of his friends, but some of his work colleagues may pose a challenge. We'll just see how things go.

 

At any rate, I wish you all the best, but above all, don't sweat details straight off. ?

 

Hugs, peace and much love,

MJ